To be annoyed at SIL-to-be?

[CableCar]

My brother and I are your average siblings. We get along, see each other a couple of times a year, chat about the important things, always celebrate birthdays with gifts to one another etc.

My brother is getting married and my SIL-to-be has no interest in involving my family in the wedding. Neither me nor my DC (primary aged children) have been asked to be part of the bridal party, which is a bit of a shame for my DC as they're little and would make cute flower girls / page boy etc, but it's not my wedding, so that's fair enough.

However I just found out that I haven't been invited to her hen party, which is at a spa. Now I personally think that as sister of the groom it is etiquette to invite me... I am a bit offended as I'd have hoped to have come along to her hen party to celebrate - she will be my SIL after all! If this is how their wedding is going I am starting to feel like she doesn't value me, nor care for my brother's family. My mum hasn't been invited either. AIBU? All the hen weekends I have EVER been on have always included the close family on both sides of the wedding party, not just the bride.

It bothers me as it makes me think she doesn't particularly care for me!

YANBU - it's a bit rude to not invite you

YABU - it's her hen do, let her do as she pleases

Do you live some distance ? Though she’s not trying to avoid you all as she gets on with your mum.

You have a brother issue not a sil issue. Though I’d place bets on the fact he doesn’t see your relationship having any issues 😅

It's a really good way to build a relationship with your future in laws though.

I invited both my SILs to my hen. We even went out a couple of weeks before just the three of us. I invited my MIL but she didn't come.

My DH's brothers had a child each at the time we got married. Our nephew we got a little suit and our niece was a flower girl (she was tiny, toddling) with a pretty little dress and a flower wand. She stole the show. Wouldn't have even occurred to me to not have her.

They're going to be your family. Why wouldn't you treat them as such?

Blimey - I have never been do a hen do where any in-laws are invited. It is meant to be the hen and her friends. It also feels presumptuous for adults to expect to be in a bridal party.

If your kids are little and you want them to be flower girls etc., why don't you and your mum invite your SIL to be out for afternoon tea and tell her you'd like to get to know her more. If it goes well you may be able to ask whether she is considering flower girls and if that can be your children.

I'm with you on this one OP. Is your SIL-to-be a control freak?

I had this in my family a few years back. All the females on the groom's side were totally ignored, not invited to anything. The groom's mother was not allowed to have any input into the wedding arrangements, in fact, we weren't even allowed to know the colour scheme or any of the details about the wedding before we turned up on the day. The bride, her sister and their mother arranged everything and all the bridesmaids, ushers, etc etc were from the bride's family.

After they were married it became very clear that the bride was a total control freak. She stopped her husband from seeing his family, stopped him from socialising with friends, she even controlled what he was allowed to eat and drink. Obviously he was spineless for allowing it to happen and now, years later, they are divorced and he can finally see how toxic and manipulating she was.
I hope things turn out better for your DB.

I guess I just quite want us all to get along and was (evidently naïvely) thinking she'd want to be close, and tbh it had irked me that she didn't invite me as I was of the opinion that we get along well, despite distance being a factor.

You barely know your sister-in-law, so I wouldn't think it's a surprise that you're not invited. As for your mother, I can't imagine inviting your future mother-in-law to your hen. Yuck.

This! This was my thought path. I'm not an ogre like some have suggested. Genuinely want to grow the relationship that I thought was going well so far! 😘

My SIL to be invited me to her hen do - we do see eachother a lot as couples (me, my DH, brother and SIL to be as a four) but I was a little surprised as I wasn't expecting it.

Why would you invite your in laws or have them as part of the bridal party? I think that's more unusual tbh, YABU

I'd be upset at not being invited to hen do, it would be an opportunity to 'formally' acknowledge that you are going to be family and the spa would be an ideal venue (relaxed and chilled out). I can understand why you would want your children to be bridesmaid/pageboy etc; they are your brother's niece and nephew after all. Very tricky situation and as hard as it is, I think you just have to swallow it. I know several of my friends whose family relationships on the male side are strained(especially re paternal ILs) .
PS, I have yet to know of a wedding that hasn't caused upset to someone

GrimGrimGrim
I'm with you on this one OP. Is your SIL-to-be a control freak?

WHY is it ALWAYS the woman who is being blamed? Just why?
Brother apparently not bothered much about family relationship, everybody is happy, but now he is getting married, his future wife invites her MIL to pick her dress, and STILL somehow you blame her?

Seriously?

Awwww 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

I also agree that if you want to be more involved in the wedding, be annoyed with your brother. He's the one not involving you, not SIL. You're not her family side, why are both family sides her responsibility?

For my wedding, my husband's sister and my brother's fiancee were both bridesmaids and invited to the Hen do, although husband's sister couldn't make it. My husband's sister's son was a page boy, and his older daughter (my step) was flower girl.

For my brother's wedding, last weekend, both my Mum and I were invited to the Hen, I went, Mum didn't. I was a bridesmaid, my daughter was flower girl.

It's not obligatory but it's a way to help show you want a harmonious and happy relationship with your in laws. I can't see why you wouldn't want to do that considering it's a very easy thing to do and makes people feel included.

All this bride's side/groom's side stuff is weird, the whole point is you are joining families.

@evencloser. you are right to pick me up on that. I got carried away and did not mean to use the word fling in that sense. Just that people like to be silly and maybe dont want their in-laws to witness it.

i am full of embarrassment.

Sorry you've had this realisation, OP. It's also sad when you realise you make much more effort than family members. You sound like a lovely and welcoming SIL.

I think I would take a step back and let them invite you next time. If DB asks why you haven't visited, tell him it's his turn to arrange something.

Having read through this chain it just seems to me that you are assuming a closeness that does not exist in reality - you have only met this woman a handful of times. If that was me, I wouldn't consider you close.

Even if you have been invited to another SIL's hen do, it is not the norm to invite your in-laws as many have commented. You are sounding somewhat demanding.

We tend to go and stay with them for a couple of long weekends and then we also celebrate every Christmas together in addition to that as a whole family... So maybe see them 6-8 days a year, plus various facetime and WhatsApp chats.

I didn't literally mean 2 days a year.

Still much much more than zero visits her brother arranges.