To be annoyed at SIL-to-be?

[CableCar]

My brother and I are your average siblings. We get along, see each other a couple of times a year, chat about the important things, always celebrate birthdays with gifts to one another etc.

My brother is getting married and my SIL-to-be has no interest in involving my family in the wedding. Neither me nor my DC (primary aged children) have been asked to be part of the bridal party, which is a bit of a shame for my DC as they're little and would make cute flower girls / page boy etc, but it's not my wedding, so that's fair enough.

However I just found out that I haven't been invited to her hen party, which is at a spa. Now I personally think that as sister of the groom it is etiquette to invite me... I am a bit offended as I'd have hoped to have come along to her hen party to celebrate - she will be my SIL after all! If this is how their wedding is going I am starting to feel like she doesn't value me, nor care for my brother's family. My mum hasn't been invited either. AIBU? All the hen weekends I have EVER been on have always included the close family on both sides of the wedding party, not just the bride.

It bothers me as it makes me think she doesn't particularly care for me!

YANBU - it's a bit rude to not invite you

YABU - it's her hen do, let her do as she pleases

I wouldn't expect an invite from someone I barely knew.

😂 I am back!

I think it’s a shame that she didn’t invite you, and it’s a mistake on her part. BUT- I would try to look past this and gently get to know her over time. I would really try not to hold it against her and keep an open mind generally. When I think back to when I was getting married, I made a lot of mistakes and was a bit oblivious. I’m grateful that many of the lovely people in my life looked past that and I’ve developed a really strong relationship with my husband’s family as a result.

Yeah the hen and stag are for that persons friends and maybe family. Not future I laws so I wouldn’t find that weird. It’s more the norm not to invite than it is.

Again your children being part of the wedding why is the Sil blamed? It’s your brothers wedding too.. his nephews/nieces.

Bur as you’ve concluded the relationship is clearly more invested from one side than the other.

My sil wanted a close relationship and all the cousins to be little best buddies. Her own brother cnba and honestly I’m just not that into her and her children to give them any headspace apart from when actually mentioned or infront of me.

I thought a hen do was for the bride and her close friends? If you only meet up with your brother a couple of times a year I'm assuming his fiancee hardly knows you.

I wouldn't expect to be invited (or wish to go) on a hen do where I barely knew the bride and didn't know anyone else at all.

My mum and her get along super well. She took my mum with her to pick her wedding dress as she really wanted her there!

Would the grooms family usually be part of the bridal party, surely that's for the brides family/ friends.

Maybe she doesn't care about you. She's marrying your brother, not you!

Well that’s nice and shows that she does care. She obviously just wants a nice day out with friends, presumably who go way back. Stop picking on her, it makes you sound really self-involved. And I’m sure YOU think your kids would be cute in the wedding party. She might not do.

Ditto. We go and visit twice a year because for me I feel it's important to actually see them, because my brother doesn't ever visit me (never ever had done in all my adult life) and if I didn't make the effort to go, we'd never see them ... I'm realising that this afternoon.... And answering my own question about how much my brother / SIL probably actually want to bother knowing us ... 😕

Genuinely had never thought about it much tbh and how all the effort comes from my part!

The groom's sisters/mothers weren't at any of the hen parties I've ever been on.

Everyone does this stuff differently. Plenty of women don't have their own mum or sister at their hen do, let alone their in-laws. Ultimately, you only see your brother twice a year so you don't really know his fiancee very well at all and there's no reason you should be invited to the hen do.

I also think that it's perfectly reasonable that your kids wouldn't be bridesmaids/pageboys. It's completely normal for a bride to have adult bridesmaids/attendants only. I actually can't remember the last time I went to a wedding where there were flower girls or page boys unless the bride's own siblings were still kids.

You are YABU

but without knowing the dynamic in your family, it's impossible to comment further.

Maybe you are in completely different stage of your life, you have young children, maybe they didn't want to settle and do boring family things too soon. Maybe your brother has described you as the favorite child, maybe they are just busy.

I would just chill a bit, be pleasant and see how it goes.

Did you see more of your brother before he met her, or do you actually expect more suddenly?

I think it depends on the hen do itself. If it's just a full blown night out, drink yourselves stupid sort of event, probably just the bride's core friends. If it's a bit less of that, then yes, I'd expect a wider group. In my circle of friends from South Africa, it's pretty common to do something during the day that would be a bit more open and then either on that night or another night, more of a knees up sort of event without the mums/sisters in law etc. sometimes the sisters in law might be invited out of politeness but would equally politely decline, or just come for a drink before "other plans".

The never travelling to you or making the effort is more of an issue. But also, not entirely weird. There's often one family member (and I'm talking about your brother here more) who either always invites to theirs or only ever goes to someone else's.

If you’d really like the chance to celebrate, maybe organise something for your side of the family (obviously with the bride’s permission). I didn’t have anyone from my husband’s side at my hen do, but they organised an afternoon tea for me and all the female relatives on his side, which was actually really lovely and meant they all got to be involved. It also meant I didn’t have to do the horribly awkward mixing of two separate groups at my actual hen (which was just friends - my poor mum didn’t get to go to either event which I probably should have done something about at the time, but hindsight is 20-20 🥴).

Obviously it’s 100% optional and non-traditional, but an option as you say you’d like the chance to celebrate together.

Fair play to you coming back to this thread, I think that’s very good given the feedback. I think you should book a nice dinner or drinks for the same day as the hen and go out and have some fun with your OH or some friends.

Yeah well there’s your answer. Your brother clearly doesn’t give much of a toss about your relationship so why on earth should she? If my DP was low contact with a family member I’d not feel it was my place to muscle in and increase the contact.

I didn't invite my MIL (nor my mum) to my hen do. My DSis wasn't there either as she lived abroad. I maybe would have invited my mum had my DSis been able to come.

There would be no way I would invite my MIL.

If my DH had sisters, I probably would have invited them IF we had been friends but it doesn't sound like you are. If you're only seeing your DB twice a year how can you have a relationship with SIL to be?

My idea of the Hen and Stag parties are for the couple to have a last fling before the wedding. I can’t imagine asking any in-laws unless you were really close..

I would step back, accept your brother is entering a new phase in his life which does not include you. You will save yourself a lot of heartbreak this way.