To be annoyed at SIL-to-be?

[CableCar]

My brother and I are your average siblings. We get along, see each other a couple of times a year, chat about the important things, always celebrate birthdays with gifts to one another etc.

My brother is getting married and my SIL-to-be has no interest in involving my family in the wedding. Neither me nor my DC (primary aged children) have been asked to be part of the bridal party, which is a bit of a shame for my DC as they're little and would make cute flower girls / page boy etc, but it's not my wedding, so that's fair enough.

However I just found out that I haven't been invited to her hen party, which is at a spa. Now I personally think that as sister of the groom it is etiquette to invite me... I am a bit offended as I'd have hoped to have come along to her hen party to celebrate - she will be my SIL after all! If this is how their wedding is going I am starting to feel like she doesn't value me, nor care for my brother's family. My mum hasn't been invited either. AIBU? All the hen weekends I have EVER been on have always included the close family on both sides of the wedding party, not just the bride.

It bothers me as it makes me think she doesn't particularly care for me!

YANBU - it's a bit rude to not invite you

YABU - it's her hen do, let her do as she pleases

Enjoy the wedding op. I think each wedding and hen do is different, some want a big do including in laws, others want it to be more intimate. Think of the hen as being her way of saying goodbye to her old life before joining your family. Don't be offended about your little ones not being part of the bridal party, and remember that your side is on the groom's. There is a lot of pressure for the bride to have the responsibility being inclusive with sils, mils etc on the hen do, where as the groom gets to get pissed with the boys, and for the bride of taking on the little ones from both sides of the family as "attendants" on the actual day, whereas the groom gets to rock up with his friends.

I’m sure it happens if they are close. My friend has brought her cousin along to nights out in the past but they are close. It doesn’t sound as if the OP is remotely close to FSIL

If you only see your DB a couple of times a year I can see why she didn't invite you to her hen party.m But that doesn't mean I agree with her decision. But you wouldn't kñow anybody. Maybe she just thought you wouldn't want to come. Flower girls and bridesmaids more often come from the bride's side of the family. I don't think it would be wise to make an issue of this.

Why would she invite you to her hen? You barely have a relationship with your own brother and zero relationship with her.

OP... Previous poster made an EXCELLENT point about your sister in law probably making and enjoying jokes about your brother (her husband to be's) PENIS. Absolutely neither you nor your mother would want to hear these, would you?

It's a different relationship entirely - friend and sister/mother in law - they are not comparable, not unless the friendship existed before the in-law bit.

I think yabu.

I wouldn't have expected your DC to be bridesmaids as bridesmaids are usually from the bride's side.

Same for the hen.

I think it’s strange and poor form on your SIL to be’s part @CableCar. Myself and my Mum were invited to the Hen dos for both of my DBs future wives when they were getting married.

For mine in 2019, I got married abroad with only a small number of immediate family and best friends, which meant we had a hen do meal in Rhodes a few days before the wedding. This included my Mum, the gfs of both of my DH’s half brothers and his Dad’s gf. His Mum (my MIL) would have been there too, but was sadly too poorly to travel after a stem cell transplant.

In order to accommodate a few friendship groups and their availability (and honestly not at my insistence), I also had two UK dos - one a meal and drinks in Manchester which included an invite to DM, MIL (DM didn’t make it as she “didn’t want to cramp our style 😂” and given her health issues MIL was definitely not able to make it but it was still important to me that she knew she was being considered), my SILs from my DBs and gfs of my DHs 2 half bros (sadly the latter two couldn’t make it). We also had a local meal for a small group who weren’t available for the Manchester do but really wanted the opportunity to do something to celebrate with me.

For a spa day, I would definitely have expected an invite for you and your Mum - it’s not like there’ll be jelly shots, penis straws and a stripper.

Yes it’s your SIL’s wedding and her hen do so ultimately her choice as to who is included and how she does it, but surely if there’s no previous issues with relationships, you want to embrace the fact you’re bringing two families together. It’s sad, but I think nowadays too many people are so focused on the wedding, they forget there is (hopefully) a lifetime of a marriage that follows…..

You're not explaining. You're hammering home a fact that OP has already acknowledged in what seems like a vindictive manner.

You responded to OP saying she will continue to organise get togethers with her family. Not to anything about her SIL. Her SIL may not want a relationship. But if OP wants one with her brother she can maintain it.

Blimey, I didn’t even consider inviting my in laws. Didn’t even know that was a thing, It wasn’t a slur on them.

Same! Nor did I go to hers. Didn't think it was rude. We invited our friends. I value her as much as the next person but not in any particular way just because I married her brother. It's pointless taking offence where none was intended. Let her enjoy her hen night and go to a spa with your own friends.

Flash backs to my mil insisting on helping unpack boxes in our bedroom when we moved and I was pregnant. Promptly finding out all the outfits and toys 😂 she ran out there fast looking at the floor.

I mumbled something to my mum about shouldn’t be going though boxes/suitcases in a couple bedroom and laughed.

Mil stuck to unpacking the kitchen after that

To me, bridesmaids etc are the brides choice, from her own friends and family, and her hen night is also with her own friends and family. Is your brother inviting her Dad to his stag do, and choosing his best man from her family? It's not about you.

Initially I thought you were talking about outfits and toys for the baby... then realised!

Ha, your mother-in-law won't be unpacking anything of yours ever again, will she? Result!

This! And I have never been to a hen do where in laws were invited either - and I have been to a LOT of hen dos.

Wonder if this is a regional custom thing?

I mean it did do a trick I hadn’t even thought of because she’s such a snoop.

I hadn’t even thought she would open anything in there she was just carrying stuff upstairs as I was like 8 months pregnant.

Still makes me giggle now tho. Crack jokes to dh about leaving dildos out 😂

I have only been to two hen dos in the UK that weren’t entirely friends of the bride. Some times groom’s sisters have been there but only because they were already good friends with the bride.

I don’t think your expectation to be invited as the groom’s sister is as widely accepted a norm as you do. You’re setting yourself up for a poor relationship with her if you take offence at this. Surely now we’re in the 2020s your DB can have female members on his side of the wedding party if you really want to be included in the wedding? One of your kids could be ring bearer?

Since you don’t see each other that often, if you want to get to know her your DB can arrange a few get togethers. But given how often you see your brother it doesn’t sound like you’re ever likely to be close to his wife. Do you really need forced intimacy rather than just being friendly and welcoming the few times a year that you will see each other?

YABU. I think it is CF to be resentful that your children won't be pages/flowergirls, and I have never heard of this 'rule' that the hen's inlaws have to be invited. If they are close, fine, but otherwise not. I vote that you are looking for offense, and if you continue down this road then you will sour your relationship with your brother. Don't be that person.

I invited MIL and SIL's to my hen do. It wouldn't have occurred to me not to. My SIL"s also invited me to their hen do. I had known them all for a number of years but I still would have invited them. Luckily none of them tend to judge others for drinking so I didn't have that worry.

If I wasn't that friendly with her I wouldn't want to go. If your relationship isn't on solid ground ( as it seems) a wild night out fuelled with alcohol isn't going to help in any way.

Let your friendship with her grow naturally. Don't force the issue. If you end up at loggerheads with her you will lose the thing you value most, your relationship with your brother. (Speaking from experience)

I didn’t and wouldn’t invite my SIL to my hen. She’s not a friend. She’s my SIL. I do not want her with all my best friends that have known me for years regaling stories from school, uni and girls holidays.

She’s nice enough and we get along fine, but she is not my friend.

It's a long time since I had a hen do but it was just me a few friends. The stories I read about in Mumsnet, about hen dos, bring me out in a cold sweat! When my dil married my son she invited my adult daughters to her hen do. She didn't invite me or her mum and that's absolutely fine . I didn't ask my in laws or sil to be in my wedding but it wasn't because there was any maliciousness on my part. Don't hold your expectations against her. Unrealistic expectations can cause us a lot of pain. Feeling pain can't always be avoided. Think of some ways you can invest in the relationship going forward

Hear hear.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

It's not particularly friendly of her.

Saying that, I only had my friends at hen do. But my hen do was a weekend away with male and female friends. It was just not appropriate to invite MIL/ SIL along.

Saying ALL that, I don't like SIL and MIL. SIL became one of my bridesmaids at MIL insistence.

I think if a SIL/DIL likes her in law family and is wanting a bond, she'd organise a high tea or something separately with them. I don't like mine that much, so I didn't.

You're not being unreasonable to want to have that kind of treatment. It's not unusual, it's the norm. Unless there's an issue, like in my case.

Is there an issue ?

Every hen do I’ve ever been to has been friends only. Not even the brides mum has been at it! Why on earth would a bride to be want her MIL there?!