To be annoyed at SIL-to-be?

[CableCar]

My brother and I are your average siblings. We get along, see each other a couple of times a year, chat about the important things, always celebrate birthdays with gifts to one another etc.

My brother is getting married and my SIL-to-be has no interest in involving my family in the wedding. Neither me nor my DC (primary aged children) have been asked to be part of the bridal party, which is a bit of a shame for my DC as they're little and would make cute flower girls / page boy etc, but it's not my wedding, so that's fair enough.

However I just found out that I haven't been invited to her hen party, which is at a spa. Now I personally think that as sister of the groom it is etiquette to invite me... I am a bit offended as I'd have hoped to have come along to her hen party to celebrate - she will be my SIL after all! If this is how their wedding is going I am starting to feel like she doesn't value me, nor care for my brother's family. My mum hasn't been invited either. AIBU? All the hen weekends I have EVER been on have always included the close family on both sides of the wedding party, not just the bride.

It bothers me as it makes me think she doesn't particularly care for me!

YANBU - it's a bit rude to not invite you

YABU - it's her hen do, let her do as she pleases

I wouldn't have wanted my in-laws at my hen - it's time to have fun, relax and not overthink that you're being judged. By the sounds of it, you're not that close, so why would you be invited? Also, it's your brother's fault that your DC aren't included - if he wanted them included, he would have said. You can't blame your SIL to be for that one.

I said "a couple of times a year" ... By 'times' I meant occasions. Each occasion is a few days, not 1 x 24h period.

That's the point. She's about to be her SIL, it would be normal (imo) to want to make an effort to get to know her. A spa weekend with the bride's friends is a perfect way for OP to get to know the bride better and vice versa. It seems from this thread that quite a few people think that that's unnecessary, which is sad. Your in-laws have the potential to be your support system, your children will be cousins, why would you not want to know them as well as possible?

Yes... But they don't decline us visiting! They are happy for us to come and see them. We stay in a hotel locally as they never want us to stay at their house. And they never accept invites to ours😕 I've always been very 'glass half full' about our relationship. I am now feeling a bit flat... Like IABU to have only just clocked the lack of reciprocating just today. But I wholly appreciate that IABU to expect to be treated like I'm close to him/them, when evidently I'm not considered close it seems? Thinking out loud here!
😯🤔

I didn’t invite mil or sil on my hen do either. I like them both but only see them a couple of times a year. I invited my close friends and family and it wouldn’t have crossed my mind to invite them along, I just wouldn’t have been as relaxed with them there.

It seems a big assumption that not inviting someone on your hen do means you don't want to get to know them. I don't know anyone who invited inlaws on their hen-do. It is quite normal for it to be just your friends.

I also agree with the posters who say it is up to her brother not the SIL to include women on his side of the family in the wedding.

Finally, not everyone wants a super close relationship with their partner's family - maybe it will develop and maybe it won't. I don't think you can force these things. The SIL to be seems to get on with her husband's mother fine if she took her wedding dress shopping.

I think the meal the day after the wedding is a much better time for all that!
I do realise many people don't have one, but there was a gathering organised the following day at pretty much every wedding I went to.

It's a much more casual and relax affair, after the excitement of the wedding.

At my own hen and my friends hen, I would not have wanted to have my in-laws, it was a fun time, full of private jokes and reminiscing things that were none of my in-law's business - stories including my own DH, but nothing his mum or sisters needed to know 😂

So they don’t want you in their home to stay.. fair enough. They don’t actually invite you… you invite yourself…. They don’t want to visit your home…

Honestly op I’m surprised it’s taken to this thread for you to realise your brother really isn’t that fussed and as such his fiancée has taken his lead on how involved you are to be in the wedding/their lives.

I voted YABU but my views are more nuanced.

Just because ALL the hens you've ever been to took a certain form, that doesn't mean hers has to. Lots of people would not want their mum or their MIL there. If her mum is coming I can sort of see this but if not YABVU.

I don't think you're unreasonable for hoping for an invitation yourself and I do think it's a little weird she didn't ask you. I can't imagine not including my sister in law in something like that, especially as it's a spa day and I'd be upset too. Something overseas she may worry you'd feel pressured to attend, costs, kids at home etc. But not a spa day where also with treatments etc it's not high pressure if you don't know other people.

But -

All the hen weekends I have EVER been on have always included the close family on both sides of the wedding party, not just the bride.

Honestly, I'm getting a pushy vibe from you OP.

It's also a huge exaggeration to say these two things in isolation mean she doesn't value me, nor care for my brother's family.

Tone it down OP.

I didn't invite my mum or my MIL to my hen do. I didn't have a SIL at the time, but when my brother got married 4 years later I didn't go to my SIL-to-be's hen do. And my brother and DH didn't go to each other's stag dos, nor did my dad or FIL. They're for friends, not family, in my opinion.

I would not invite my DM or my MIL to be to my hen do. It's for friends in my opinion.

This with bells on.

YABU to be pissed of at SIL-to-be

It sounds like your brother isn't that interested in having a relationship with you for whatever reason so I think it is unreasonable to expect a marriage to magically fix that. Not all sibling are close as adults and it doesn't sound like you are at all. If you care that much try talking to your brother and seeing why.

My SIL isn't coming to my hen and recently had a bit of a hissy fit and decided whe wasn't coming to our wedding. It made me have even less respect for her that she would upset her brother because we aren't close and I am only having close friends at my hen. My own mum isn't even coming.

I am going to leave now as my post is being picked apart in a way I didn't expect...such is the Mumsnet way, that I didn't quite realise that I would have to explicitly justify exactly how/when/where I see my brother to the days/hours etc. I was just interested to know whether IABU to be irked that I'm not invited to the spa with my SIL, when I thought we all got along well, were excited to become family etc. I have established that actually I've probably been a little presumptuous about the closeness of our relationship.
I won't stop arranging to meet up with my brother and his future-wife, God knows what life will be like when our DP are old and we need to collaborate about DPs care! I am a caring and kind person and just disappointed that the family culture wasn't the same as I've experienced at my own and other weddings etc. As I said - in my circle hen parties have always been inclusive - that's just my experience. I get that not everyone's experiences are like that. I can fully empathise that my SIL wants just close friends at her hen party if that's the way she's looking at it. Fair enough. I want her to be happy!

In all honesty it doesn't sound like you have a huge amount to do with your future SIL if you only see each other a couple of times a year.

Yes, it may be customary to invite the groom's family to the hen do (heck, my now SIL actually organised mine!), but if they don't know you particularly well, then I can understand why they wouldn't invite you.

Better to not be invited, than go and either you feel awkward because you don't know anyone, or her to feel awkward because she feels like she has to spend time with you, rather than her friends, because she knows you don't know anyone IYSWIM. It's her wedding and her hen do.

If you had said you were really close and see each other regularly, I'd say YANBU, but on the basis that you're not, I don't think she's done anything wrong.

The same goes for bridal party inclusion of your DC.

Wouldn't have invited MIL or SIL to my hen if you paid me.

Your SiL to be will be taking her lead in terms of contact with you from your brother. You said you didn't see him much before they got together so why would you expect it to change? It's not the woman's job to initiate or facilitate his visits with his family. So it's him not extending you the invitation to come and see them, nothing to do with her. If you want a closer relationship with her you need to work on the one with your brother too. Though sounds as if he's happy enough as it is.

I didn't have a hen party (they weren't very common in my social circle) but if I had it wouldn't have occurred to me to invite MiL or the 2 new SiL's. I don't think I've ever been to a full on hen party that worked like that. In fact my mother & siblings only met all my new in-laws the day of the wedding as my family lived 7-9+ hours drive away and there was never any reason they might have met before.

I won't stop arranging to meet up with my brother and his future-wife

Why go to the expense of travel costs and hotel costs to see people who make zero effort with you?

You'd be better off spending that money on your own family.