To be annoyed at SIL-to-be?

[CableCar]

My brother and I are your average siblings. We get along, see each other a couple of times a year, chat about the important things, always celebrate birthdays with gifts to one another etc.

My brother is getting married and my SIL-to-be has no interest in involving my family in the wedding. Neither me nor my DC (primary aged children) have been asked to be part of the bridal party, which is a bit of a shame for my DC as they're little and would make cute flower girls / page boy etc, but it's not my wedding, so that's fair enough.

However I just found out that I haven't been invited to her hen party, which is at a spa. Now I personally think that as sister of the groom it is etiquette to invite me... I am a bit offended as I'd have hoped to have come along to her hen party to celebrate - she will be my SIL after all! If this is how their wedding is going I am starting to feel like she doesn't value me, nor care for my brother's family. My mum hasn't been invited either. AIBU? All the hen weekends I have EVER been on have always included the close family on both sides of the wedding party, not just the bride.

It bothers me as it makes me think she doesn't particularly care for me!

YANBU - it's a bit rude to not invite you

YABU - it's her hen do, let her do as she pleases

Having read your updates, maybe they’re taking a more hands off approach to IL relationships than you.

or might not be that bothered in maintaining the relationship outside of surface level comms on bday and Christmas

i do get your feeling in the hen do, most people I know might not necessarily invite but would ask their brother to check in SIL wanted to be invited or not.

i wouldn’t get bogged down in the politics of it right now as weddings can be very fraught with family emotions.

As you say their wedding is not about you.

I forgive you for initially being offended as weddings and hen dos these days typically have a lot of people being involved in the hen / bridal party and SIL would automatically assume to be involved - so I get why it would seem odd.

I think before the wedding industry took over weddings, hen dos and bridesmaids were those very close to the bride?

So if you’re not super close possibly she’s keeping the wedding quite traditional / basic?

Her wedding, her choice.

It's rude yes... I see trouble ahead OP. so sorry you've been treated like this.

Just wow! Everyone is ploughing into the OP in a really horrible fashion.
I've been married 30+ years and I invited my SIL and my MIL to my hen do.
I'll admit mine was a sedate do with just a meal and drinks and none of the raucous behaviour of brides nowadays.
I also had all my friends and my mum there too
What's wrong with inviting family to be?
My SIL was also one of my bridesmaids!

I only see her once or twice a year but we are pretty close and message a lot!

I'm on your side OP!

I see hen do's as a day/night out with your closet friends and family. Having people there that you don't really know or like creates a weird vibe.

I see a hen party as a farewell from friends, marking the end of single life. My hen was me and my two best friends. It didn’t occur to me to invite my mum and sisters, let alone my MIL and SIL. Equally, I wasn’t invited to the hen parties of my brother’s wife, or my husband’s sister. I’m very close to both of them, but we don’t have the same kind of relationship as we do with our mates.

Leave it alone.

If I or my parents didn't arrange things with my sister, we'd never see her. It's not malicious, she just exists in her own bubble and doesn't think to ask other people to do stuff.

She loves getting together. Just doesn't occur to her to organise.

Maybe OP still wants a relationship with her own brother despite your best efforts to persuade her not to have one.

You made a point. Now leave her be.

It’s pretty common to invite mum and mil and sils to hen dos where I am. Haven’t been to one without that. Didn’t realise that made us mad and badshit crazy etc. If you’ve just experienced that I can see why you’d think you’d been snubbed but as you can see from others here it’s not common around the country.

YANBU and it’s happened to me, very similar circumstances but I decided that my brother is way too important to me to do anything other than feel a bit quietly sad and get over it. I don’t mean that nastily! It’s okay to feel a bit sad not to be included in any way. But also, try to remember that your sibling and their happiness is the priority.

First time I hear it is etiquette to invite your SIL on to the hen do automatically…

I'd be disappointed too OP, especially about your DC not being included in the wedding. Maybe they're not having any bridesmaids/ flowers girls? But if it is one of those big traditional type of weddings, I'd be really disappointed with my DB for not wanting to include his nieces on his big day.

Some people are just inconsiderate. My sil is like yours - any plans I make I need to make them, as she will never prioritise either me or my family if left to her devices. It’s especially worse because DNs love me but are autistic and she lies to them that I don’t want to see them — I often get awful phonecalls from them begging to see me or DS or DSD.

We had a joint hen and stag do and just invited friends. Each to their own
We had requests from parents re ‘ can their dds be flower girls they’d love to dress up’, no I’m afraid not. I just had one witness, dh had his best man, we had a friend play an ice trumpet for my ‘entry’ 😆 and some friends in a band play other music. Dh asked a few friends on the day to tell people where to sit.
Kept it casual, very little fuss. That’s our choice. Just as your SIL and your brother have theirs.

Everyone does things differently.
Try not to take it personally or dwell on it. These things can fester and ruin your opinion of someone who could become a great new addition to the family.

People really care about this trivia? I find it hard to understand. The bro & sister-in-law are not close (which is fine, of course). Just rock up to the wedding, be polite and otherwise concentrate on the important things in life.

who said there was anything WRONG with inviting in-laws?

The point is that the bride-to-be can invite whoever she wants, and can have the kind of hen do she wants. She can include the grand-mothers to a spa day, or she can have a fun week in Ibiza, who cares.

What is WRONG is having expectations and calling her rude for doing her own thing and organising a different kind of party than the one you had.

You only see your brother twice a year but want to go on his fiancée’s hen do? Would you even know anyone?
I couldn’t imagine anything worse….

I didn't even consider asking my MIL, SIL or adult nieces to my hen do and we managed to not fall out over it! Why would I? A hen do is for the bride's close circle and my then fiancée's family didn't & still don't come under this category however fond I am of them all.

I never thought of inviting my MIL or SIL to my hen do but then I didn’t invite any of my family either - it was just mates.

I don't think that's necessarily a problem. My friend invited her SIL (fiance's brother's wife) to her hen do (a meal and show) and her SIL didn't know anyone. She was very welcoming and made an effort to get to know everyone. Everyone loved her.

Sounds like OP would make an effort to get to know everyone too.

The hen do should be a relaxed event with her closest friends.

it would be odd if you weren’t invited to an engagement party or a bridal shower. Those events don’t always happen, but if they do, they are a bit more formal and the invites are wider.

why don’t you and your mother invite her to a nice lunch. Have your own little celebration with her to welcome her to the family.

I can see both sides of this. My MIL to be is desperate for me to ask DP’s niece to be a bridesmaid but I’ve only met her a handful of times and I really just want my daughter and my two nieces plus a friend or two which is already a lot. DP said that’s absolutely fine but I know his mum will lose her shit. I think people should be able to do what they like…