To ask when you knew you had to split

WishIwasmumsy · 2024-06-21T13:11:01+00:00

I had my husband back after a trial separation, we told the kids he was looking after grandparents house so never actually told them we were splitting. Since having him back I am regretting my decision, nothing has changed. He is still so lazy and goes out all the time. Last week he went to 2 gigs and was rough the following days and tonight he has just asked if he can go to one as he has been offered tickets. This will mean he will not come home from work, I think this time I am even more unhappy than last time. We don't talk anymore, I just go to bed as I am tired or just avoiding him. Our kids ae 6 and 3 and I just want what is best for them.

PivotPivotmakingmargaritas · 21/06/2024 14:19

Ask him to leave again don’t wait any longer … I’ve found being a solo parent hard.. so hard but I’m not angry that it always falls on me as I know it will so I’m not picking up someone else’s slack !!!

My nail in the coffin was when I asked for help putting DD to bed at night as night after night I put her to bed while he watched sport and drank beer yet the bills were 50/50 in a house I mostly owned!!! … when I asked him for help he said … “what you can’t put your DD to bed …. Do you need to see someone!!!!””

Lost all remaining respect then and there. I feel bad for my DD she’s stuck with a lousy dad but at least she has/ will have ( just starting the process) a happier mum

Original poster

WishIwasmumsy · 21/06/2024 14:24

I cant stop crying at the minute but deep down I know what to do. He plays great with them but that is about it. He says he does do the stuff required and it is just in my head. He doesn't, I deal with literally everything.

OP posts:

countcalculia · 21/06/2024 15:03

Get rid of him before he gets his feet under the table!

Original poster

WishIwasmumsy · 21/06/2024 16:29

He keeps saying that he has asked me to change some things, he said I am not affectionate towards him, I cant be because of the way I feel towards him. Every night I make tea, the least he could do is clear up after. I am sick of coming down in the morning to a load of shit where he has been sat, beer bottles etc, it is just digusting.

OP posts:

imfae · 21/06/2024 18:33

When I realised he was continuing with the behaviour that had caused me a lot of pain .
I think you realise that although it will be tough on your own parenting , you will at least know where you stand and not constantly be let down by your partner .

It isn't easy but ultimately you cannot make someone else change their behaviour if they do not want to .

I have said this on other threads and read other people posting the same thing ;

This isn't on you . You have tried your best and put your family first and even after a trial separation he has not changed . To be the best parent you can be for your children , you need to look after your own health and well-being .

Take care of yourself and I hope that you are able to get support from friends and family .

Daleksatemyshed · 21/06/2024 18:50

You gave him a second chance Op but he doesn't appreciate it, he thinks it's business as usual. Since he feels no need to change what's the point?

Oceancolorseen · 21/06/2024 18:54

Bin him

FlyingontheGround · 21/06/2024 19:05

He wasn’t taking much responsibility for our family financially or otherwise which was bothering me but I was full of indecision, I realised to wasn’t getting any better so I knew I was going to have to make the decision. Then one night he was shouting, ranting and raving at me and the kids when something just snapped, I decided enough was enough and we left.

SOxon · 21/06/2024 19:07

he sounds like one of the Young Ones, living like a student,
with no responsibility, accountability or maturity - save yourself
(and your little ones of course) good luck

SauvignonBlonk · 21/06/2024 19:31

Mine was a useless selfish lump, crisp bags and beer bottles by the telly…off to the gym, motorbike lessons, flying lessons etc. He then got violent. Game over.
They don’t change OP. A happier life is in your future (without the resentment and disappointments)…get rid of him.

Nosierosi · 21/06/2024 19:32

This won’t improve. You aren’t wrong for wanting to end things and you are going to be showing your children that it’s not acceptable to behave this way/be expected to tolerate this. Ask yourself would you want your children to have the same relationship you do? Often children learn the blueprint of what relationships look like from their parents.
it was that which did it for me. I’d don’t everything to make it work, but my energy wasn’t matched. I didn’t want my children to see what we had and think that was what love was.
it’s hard as a single parent but easier than feeling resentful all the time.

big hugs. I’m 3 years down the line, almost divorced after 2 and half years of proceedings and have never regretted leaving my husband.

Wordsmithery · 21/06/2024 19:43

What's best for your kids is you being happy. So get rid of him. You won't regret it.

Thepeopleversuswork · 21/06/2024 19:50

This is a no brainer. He hasn’t heard what you have said at all. His behaviour is actually insulting to you in the light of what’s happened.

Being a single parent isn’t a walk in the park but I promise (from personal experience) it will be millions of times better than this. Get rid asap. You won’t look back and you’ll be building a better future for your children.

Original poster

WishIwasmumsy · 23/06/2024 07:17

Thepeopleversuswork · 21/06/2024 19:50

This is a no brainer. He hasn’t heard what you have said at all. His behaviour is actually insulting to you in the light of what’s happened.

Being a single parent isn’t a walk in the park but I promise (from personal experience) it will be millions of times better than this. Get rid asap. You won’t look back and you’ll be building a better future for your children.

He was so horrible to me yesterday, I just ended up crying. His excuse was I do not give him what he wants (sex), it has been 4 days!. He keeps sending me videos of what happens to men when they are deprived of sex.

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Original poster

WishIwasmumsy · 23/06/2024 07:21

The thing is, the more he acts so desperate, the more it drives me away.

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BigBoysDontCry · 23/06/2024 08:08

It took me more than 20 years to wake up and deal with this OP.

In the end the resentment about all the small stuff killed it. He wasn't quite as lazy as your guy (cleared up after dinner but never properly) and didn't go out as much. But in the end, I was the biggest contributor by far financially, in the housework, with DC etc etc. Whilst he hogged more of the resources, taking over the living room, leaving all his stuff out etc.

And yet it was him suggesting that I needed to see a counsellor because I wasn't affectionate enough to him and didn't want sex.

I wish I'd done this years ago. He moved out last week, coming back today to hopefully get the last of his stuff. I've bought him out, DC are young adults who still need supported financially, I now have the chores he did added to mine (not much) and the thing I'm most pleased about is that he'll have to think about what to have for his dinner from now on instead of me doing the thinking, shopping and cooking. I mean I'll still be doing that but at least he will too.

As an illustration, he asked whether we had a mop and bucket he could borrow to do the floors in his new place. Should he not know and also know where it's kept? It's a spray mop and I had to show him how it works. I mean we've only lived in this house for 20 years, why should he know?

Kick him out and be happier.

Original poster

WishIwasmumsy · 23/06/2024 08:25

BigBoysDontCry · 23/06/2024 08:08

It took me more than 20 years to wake up and deal with this OP.

In the end the resentment about all the small stuff killed it. He wasn't quite as lazy as your guy (cleared up after dinner but never properly) and didn't go out as much. But in the end, I was the biggest contributor by far financially, in the housework, with DC etc etc. Whilst he hogged more of the resources, taking over the living room, leaving all his stuff out etc.

And yet it was him suggesting that I needed to see a counsellor because I wasn't affectionate enough to him and didn't want sex.

I wish I'd done this years ago. He moved out last week, coming back today to hopefully get the last of his stuff. I've bought him out, DC are young adults who still need supported financially, I now have the chores he did added to mine (not much) and the thing I'm most pleased about is that he'll have to think about what to have for his dinner from now on instead of me doing the thinking, shopping and cooking. I mean I'll still be doing that but at least he will too.

As an illustration, he asked whether we had a mop and bucket he could borrow to do the floors in his new place. Should he not know and also know where it's kept? It's a spray mop and I had to show him how it works. I mean we've only lived in this house for 20 years, why should he know?

Kick him out and be happier.

Yes, he is saying that it is me that has to change, he says if he had sex more then he would automatically become more helpful? what'?

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 23/06/2024 08:28

Resentment has set in, you need to end it. Write down all the things he does/doesn’t do, so you can read it every time you have a wobble and think about having him back. Don’t have him back, move forward into your new life.

Comingupriver · 23/06/2024 08:31

OP, you don’t need permission or anyone to understand. You have one single life in this world and you deserve to spend it being happy. It sounds as though you have tried harder than most. I’d make a plan to move on with your life and choose happy.

BigBoysDontCry · 23/06/2024 08:38

Ah yes, sex as a bargaining tool and sulking when it doesn't happen. Mine is choosing to believe that it's completely down to me being abused as a child that is causing this issue. It's not.

He says that shouldn't stop me being affectionate and enjoying a cuddle. It doesn't.

The problem is that I resent and dislike him leaving everything to me and a cuddle is never just a cuddle, it always leads to sex and it's okay as a woman in her 50s to just not always feel like it.

I ended up blowing up at him one day, while seperated but still living together, for leaving shit stains in the toilet. I reminded him that it wasn't my job to clean up after his shit when we were together and it certainly wasn't my job when we were separated.

Original poster

WishIwasmumsy · 23/06/2024 08:42

BigBoysDontCry · 23/06/2024 08:38

Ah yes, sex as a bargaining tool and sulking when it doesn't happen. Mine is choosing to believe that it's completely down to me being abused as a child that is causing this issue. It's not.

He says that shouldn't stop me being affectionate and enjoying a cuddle. It doesn't.

The problem is that I resent and dislike him leaving everything to me and a cuddle is never just a cuddle, it always leads to sex and it's okay as a woman in her 50s to just not always feel like it.

I ended up blowing up at him one day, while seperated but still living together, for leaving shit stains in the toilet. I reminded him that it wasn't my job to clean up after his shit when we were together and it certainly wasn't my job when we were separated.

He said he has try to change, he hasn't, so now it is down to me to give him sex and he will help me out more? I just think that is revolting?

OP posts:

BigBoysDontCry · 23/06/2024 08:43

It is revolting. You are entirely correct. He's shown you who he is, believe him.

Original poster

WishIwasmumsy · 23/06/2024 08:54

BigBoysDontCry · 23/06/2024 08:43

It is revolting. You are entirely correct. He's shown you who he is, believe him.

he just sent me a video of how a man will destroy himself but he destroys the relationship. The woman in it is putting all the blame on her self for not listening etc.

OP posts:

BigBoysDontCry · 23/06/2024 08:57

Wtf?

Lurkingandlearning · 23/06/2024 09:09

As an illustration, he asked whether we had a mop and bucket he could borrow to do the floors in his new place. Should he not know and also know where it's kept? It's a spray mop and I had to show him how it works. I mean we've only lived in this house for 20 years, why should he know? @BigBoysDontCry

No criticism or rudeness intended @BigBoysDontCry but when I read that part of your post I thought, that’s ridiculous- why didn’t she tell him to go and buy his own because he is going to need to wash floors regularly at his new home.

I think I know why and if I’m right this is something to bear in mind. The longer you stay with men like this the more of their selfish nonsense becomes normal to you. Small things are normalised and are replaced by bigger things until they are accepted and so it goes on.

OP just tell him to go and live his single life in a home of his own.