To ask when you knew you had to split

[WishIwasmumsy]

I had my husband back after a trial separation, we told the kids he was looking after grandparents house so never actually told them we were splitting. Since having him back I am regretting my decision, nothing has changed. He is still so lazy and goes out all the time. Last week he went to 2 gigs and was rough the following days and tonight he has just asked if he can go to one as he has been offered tickets. This will mean he will not come home from work, I think this time I am even more unhappy than last time. We don't talk anymore, I just go to bed as I am tired or just avoiding him. Our kids ae 6 and 3 and I just want what is best for them.

He doesn't want to change. He won't. He is arguing with you to weaken your resolve and to fuck with your head. Stop engaging and listening. You know it isn't working. You must know that nobody wants sex with a lazy twat, and it doesn't matter what he does or doesn't think about you (or pretend to think).

Can you forget the "whose fault is it we're in this situation" scale? It doesn't matter at all. The only thing that matters is no one is happy and you both cope with it in in unhealthy and potentially abusive ways.

What can be done now?

He's trying to coerce you into sex (which is rape if he succeeds). He's manipulating you and trying to emotionally blackmail you. Classic abuser behaviour, including all the barely veiled suicide threats. Get rid of him immediately, he's foul.

When I got tired of the contempt he displayed toward me, and he was regularly emotionally abusive to me in front of the DC.

I didn't want my DC (boy and girl) growing up learning that as an example of how men should treat women.

So I left him. Biggest shock of his life as he never ever thought I would do it. And I know it burns him that I'm doing even better now than I was when we were together, and I was doing pretty well then too.

This morning was the same old, he got up 5 minutes before he needed to leave for work, didnt help with the kids. Then walked past me and said that wasn't an elbow by the way (I know it wasnt)

I have just stopped letting it bother me and I am much happier for it

Treat it as "this to shall pass" and start making that happen.

Life is too short to be miserable OP, I let my situation linger on for far too many years.

Do you not think people jump too quickly to say a relationship is abusive, I dont mean physical but more emotional abuse.

I think the opposite actually.

I think occasionally lashing out in a temper or whatever is probably pretty normal as long as genuine apologies and contrition and forgiveness can happen.

Regular abuse of this type tends to creep up on you as it starts with just small things and then they start to become more frequent and more negative but by that point you have probably lost a lot of your self esteem and self worth. When one person holds power over the other by manipulation and persuasion and just general put downs, it's no longer a partnership and it's abusive.

We eventually split up over a cumulation of a few big blowout on top of the regular stuff. Ex believes he's a good person and feels that me telling him he is abusive is completely wrong and insinuated that since I experienced child SA, it's a bit much to be accusing him. He thinks I'm off my head. I'm not but I don't care because in the end he's gone.

The final straw for me was being woken up at 4 in the morning and being accussed of destroying/hiding something of his even though to this day I have no clue what he is talking about. I was told I was nasty and vindictive. He then offered to go to couples therapy. I told him to fuck off. At thus point I was having some health issues and he knew I was struggling to sleep but still chose to wake me up.

I put a note of what he said to me in my phone so whenever I relented or felt sorry for him I'd look at it and remind me. He has also said horrible things about our DC to me (mainly because I'm a shite parent apparently 🙄) it's hard as I can never tell them as they are allowed to love him and believe that they are loved. To be fair I think he does love them but he has no proper relationship with them. His loss.

I dont know, I suppose I am just wondering what makes you think what is happening to me is emotional abuse. I am sorry you went through that xx

It is so clear to most of us here but fair enough you're in the weeds...so think of it this way. Does it matter if he's abusive? Happy people don't have substance misuse problems and certainly not around small children. This marriage doesn't work for you and you're way of coping doesn't either.

Have a think about how he makes you feel OP, you said you are scared of him but not physically so you are scared of what he is saying to you and how he acts towards you etc. He criticises your parenting in front of the children. You are drinki8ng to shut out how unhappy he makes you feel.

Does that sound like someone who loves you and has your best interests at heart?

Does he support you and have your back or does he say things that make you feel bad about yourself?

I dont have a substance misuse problem, it was massively blown out of proportion, I would have a bottle of wine 4 days a week which I have now stopped and feel much better for, hopefully lose some weight too! haha

Are you genuinely suggesting this is funny? I'm expressing concern for you and for your children. You seem to the only one on the thread who isn't worried.

I suspect the abusive man has switched up his manipulation and emotional abuse, making the OP feel guilty, and she’s backtracking as a result. Very sad.

I hope you someday see this man for the piece of abusive shit he is @WishIwasmumsy.

Omg this is enough in itself to go solo.

Yes 100%

So sad for all concerned.

No I do not think this is funny. I suppose I am in denial about what is actually happening. He told me yesterday that everybody that he speaks to says that I am very lucky to have him. He is either delusional or is letting on that he does WAY more than he does. I do think people will believe him over me (not my friends and family of course as they have witnessed it) he comes across as such a caring quiet guy and am more opinionated and mouthy so to speak, however, I do struggle with self esteem. I honestly do not have a substance abuse problem, I was enjoying wine a little too much and recognised it and pulled back. I was not drunk on a daily basis at all, letting him think that he has anything on me has made me want to stop drinking altogether but my family and friends seem to think there is no need.

OP he has controlled you and your very thoughts for years now.

Initiate the duck protocol and leave him. You and the children deserve much better.

He's a cruel, manipulative POS.

The thing is he said he has put up with abuse from me for years, I asked him why he didnt leave me and he said the good times outweighed the bad?

I just cant believe that he was such a nice, quiet person in the beginning.

Bah. They usually are, to start with.
I read his thread the other day and it is obvious what a cunt he is.

Make plans and get shot of him. Who cares what he says about you? You've split up at least once in the past. Do it again and make it permanent this time.

No one has said you are lucky to have him. He is massively projecting as he knows he's the lucky one. Call his bluff. He's not worth living a shitty life for. And if he was he wouldn't make your life shit....

It actually doesn't matter a jot if he or anyone else thinks you are lucky to have him. He clearly is not good for you regardless.

Ex said to me "I think I am a nicer person than you think I am" I just said "good". It doesn't matter to me anymore how he feels about himself. I know different.

Are there worse people in the world? Undoubtedly, but does that mean I have to waste the rest of my life with someone who really doesn't care about me regardless of how much he thinks he does?

You and your children deserve better.

Well you have a full house for DARVO now.

Deny
Attack
Reverse
Victom (&)
Offerer

He's started off by saying he does more and all the problems are in your head. When that didn't work he went into attack with the elbow, shouting and blaming you for everything. Saying he has put up with abuse from you is the next stage of reverse victim. Don't buy it.