To ask when you knew you had to split

[WishIwasmumsy]

I had my husband back after a trial separation, we told the kids he was looking after grandparents house so never actually told them we were splitting. Since having him back I am regretting my decision, nothing has changed. He is still so lazy and goes out all the time. Last week he went to 2 gigs and was rough the following days and tonight he has just asked if he can go to one as he has been offered tickets. This will mean he will not come home from work, I think this time I am even more unhappy than last time. We don't talk anymore, I just go to bed as I am tired or just avoiding him. Our kids ae 6 and 3 and I just want what is best for them.

I am on my laptop

His own thread? He’s about to walk into some very experienced posters who won’t take his shit.

Time for you to change your passwords.
Having gone, and come back, he is not going to want to go again - he knows where he is well off.
I think you will feel massive relief if you can get rid of him again.
What is your living set up? Can you get rid, if you wish?

Let’s wait for his thread as he will be destroyed

I have found it

He sent you videos? Omg. He's repulsive and aggressive.

Of course, none of us are perfect. I bet you're annoying sometimes. But this man is repulsive. Your description of him makes my skin crawl.

Blocking your way... then elbowing like a petulant toddler. Get away from this loser.

YourTaupeStork · Today 09:57
Hi
So I'm here maybe controversially, my partner is on here and swears by pretty much anything she reads on here so I'm here for support and to hopefully share my pov and if I get the answers she needs as I'm struggling to explain my point. I dont want it to be biased so im going to stick to facts.

• We have 2 children (3 and 6)
• I work Mon-Fri 8-6 (this includes having to be at work for 8 and I leave at 6)
• She works Sun-Tue from home 7.30-4 on a Sunday and 9-5.30 Mon/Tue
• I play sport and attend once a week (sometimes not at all) this is at 9.30pm for an hour
• I hold a season ticket to sport and attend around 70% of games a season. This would be on a Saturday usually as I cannot attend on Sundays as she works and this is during the season timings of September - April.
• I go out once a week with a friend for an hour and bring home a takeaway
• I struggle with tiredness which is currently being looked into at the doctors
• I fund all household Bills
• I take the children to school/Nursery on a Monday and Tuesday
• I pick one child up from School/Nursery on a Monday and Tuesday in order to support as after school clubs end at 5.30/6pm
• I start work late on Monday and Tuesday and Finish work early to support with the above
• Wed/Thur/Fri School and Nursery runs are done by my Partner as She is off work
• I finish work early on a Friday in order to take my daughter to Basketball club (this differs and has been other clubs on other days but this is the current one)
• On Wed and Thur sometimes I have to work late but I cannot pre-emt this to advise , I already feel I take enough liberties at work on other days so I feel it's not a big ask from work if sometimes i over run. I do say sometimes but this probably happens more often than not, so probably most times. However there are also other times I finish early on these days too.
• I put the kids to bed/do bedtime every night apart from Thursday
• The house is never tidy
• I tidy up around the house sporadically, so it's not an everyday thing but I will actively tidy up when things are getting too on top and this is usually late evenings.
• I go out with either my friends or work friends roughly once a month maybe 10 times a year (this is usually a full day out and not just an evening or night thing)
• She does the washing and prepares kids clothes and uniform
• She is usually in bed at 8pm
• She will be drunk daily through the week after having at least a bottle of wine a night because this is what the day with the kids drives her to do
• Sunday is a day for me and the kids and we go out for the day every week as she works from home
• She rarely goes out with friends although this is encouraged by me, this only happens maybe 3 times a year

Everything above is right now as It has been a struggle for a while so here is what I've changed and how things used to be;

• Used to train twice a week for my sport which is now once a week
• Used to attend all season ticket games which I have cut down and also take a child along with me from time to time
• Never did any school runs
• Worked late most nights
• This meant I couldnt always support with bedtime

I took on board that she was overran with the kids and home life and needed to change things which I have, however these are the problems raised

• I dont help round the house
• I am never around
• I am a sh*t dad
• I always work late
• All I care about is my job
• I never help with washing
• We only have sex once a month(if that) and that's usually only ever a "quickie"
• All I care about is sex
• I have been told to stop touching and being affectionate toward her (which I have)
• Who gets the clothes ready (not me)

I have tried to make this as factual as possible whilst relaying some of my own opinions in parts, however I want the responses (if there is any to be honest and from their opinion) I sometimes feel the past (because it admittedly has been worse) accounts for too much of her opinions or frustrations.

I want to know others points of view so that maybe this can form a basis of how I can approach it with her as I currently am struggling to be able to put my own points across, or maybe I am wrong and I need to change more. I love this woman but feel it's at a point where i am resigned to the relationship failing because i feel i have put a lot of effort in to change things to make it better but not getting anything in return.

I know this has been long but thanks for your time

Taupe Stork is obviously in a awful marriage.
Poor put upon man.
I think he should leave immediately. Get his wife to pack a bag, so that he does not forget anything and need to come back, and get the hell out of there.
Run, Taupe Stork, run, and don't go back.

My exh was never fully invested in family life but I couldn't see it, I just brushed it off and put it down to his personality. We were together 15 yrs and I always ended up taking charge because I couldn't trust him to do anything. Picking up the kids he was late, for instance, parents evening he was late etc etc. It pissed me off because as soon as his mates called he was off or prioritising football you name it. At his sisters wedding he didn't even buy me a drink or dance with me, at his best mates wedding I hardly saw him after I did all the running around for them. It was my fault I had no boundaries but I had had enough.
I moved out and put the house on the market. He was shocked! Of course he was, his chief arsewiper was leaving him. This was 10 yrs ago. He's now getting remarried and has a son. I don't think about him and his daughter sees him in her own light. It was hard in the beginning but maybe we are all happier now. I'm not perfect but it wasn't the teamwork it should have been.

That's me spending the rest of the day looking for;

AUBU for coercing my partner into sex

Why shouldn't my partner can raise the kids while I drink and go to gigs?

My relationship is braking down, will this improve if I change nothing and continue as I am?

Please someone post a link if you spot it

Relationship Trouble | Mumsnet

He shouts in your face, shoves, elbows and sends you grotty videos...

How are you not wanting sex with this man?

Oh that's horrific he probably thought the trial seperating was a holiday and he had a "sex drought". Nobody is entitled to sex not 1 person doesn't matter if you are married, sending videos is abuse he had learned nothing.

If he is now online posting then perhaps you need to log off .and sort it out once and for all.

Is the alcohol part of what he writes true OP?

I do like a wine yes, I do not drink every night though, and now I have seen he see's it as an issue I will stop as I didn't realise it was an issue. I am not drunk every night.

Yes he is saying she's drunk most of the time but the dual posting is just to get posters to "take sides". This marraige sounds toxic.

Yes, I am really upset that he has created a post. I think I am going to leave mumsnet now

Don't leave name change and don't post anything about him.

That's exactly what he wants.

@WishIwasmumsy when did the changes happen. He seems to be saying a year ago ?

Honestly even with his posts. It's still the same answer. He needs to leave your better on your own .

Or maybe he is better off with the kids as I am constantly drunk? im literally heartbroke

This is just awful. I know everyone is able to use Mumsnet etc but him starting a thread on here feels very manipulative and an attempt to isolate @WishIwasmumsy from any support network.

Don’t leave - name change and change your password so he can’t access it.

It sounds like an awful relationship, put yourself and the children first.

Name change OP and continue on here, you need the support. Regardless of what he posts the relationship is toxic and needs to end for both your sakes. He needs to leave today x

I'm taking his post with a pinch of salt. I struggle to believe if you were drunk every day he wouldn't have spoken to you about this. I could be wrong. His post is very woe is me and weirdly enough he's not mentioned the videos.

Regardless of whose post we believe the most of, neither of you are happy so my answer remains the same in that I think you should split

He has just said it isnt true that he physically hurt me, that might be a bit extreme as I tried to walk past him on the stairs, without saying excuse me and he elbowed my leg. He is lying about the sex stuff, I asked him this morning if we had sex more he automatically clean up/help more and he said yes. He has sent 3 videos in the past 24 hours of what lack of sex does to a man. When he says I asked him to stop showing me affection, I wanted him to stop smacking my bum every time I bent down. I think what he has posted this morning is something I cannot forgive him for.