To ask when you knew you had to split

[WishIwasmumsy]

I had my husband back after a trial separation, we told the kids he was looking after grandparents house so never actually told them we were splitting. Since having him back I am regretting my decision, nothing has changed. He is still so lazy and goes out all the time. Last week he went to 2 gigs and was rough the following days and tonight he has just asked if he can go to one as he has been offered tickets. This will mean he will not come home from work, I think this time I am even more unhappy than last time. We don't talk anymore, I just go to bed as I am tired or just avoiding him. Our kids ae 6 and 3 and I just want what is best for them.

In a gentle way, OP, you are minimising his abusive behaviour. He elbowed you to hurt you. Would his behaviour be acceptable towards a stranger? What about towards your children? You know it wouldn’t be and it is acceptable towards you either. How would he react if you had done that to him. You need to get away from him.

It feels safer to appease an abuser so that they don't hurt you again.
We understand.

So the other thread has been deleted.

I could give you and him a whole load of advice and sympathy, but I don't think it would help.

He is at heart a "traditional" man or a "misogynist", depending on which way you look at it. Deep down, he believes it is a woman's job to care for the house and children, and provide sex. Anything he does around the house is "helping you", not stepping up of his own volition to do what he perceives to be his natural responsibility.
He also believes that because he earns more, that makes up for the lack of parenting and housework on his part. And that his long hours are perfectly acceptable.
And on top of that he doesn't see anything wrong with the amount of time he spends on his sports, or time he spends away from the family doing his own thing.
He thinks if you went out with friends or hobbies for the same amount of time, it would all be fine. I don't believe for one second that he realises how much you do, and if you were out as much as him then that stuff just wouldn't get done, as he wouldn't do it. Then the children would suffer, living in a dirty house, or with no clean uniform ready, or no clothes that fit as they have outgrown them, or crap convenience food, or toys all lost and broken as no-one made sure they were tidied carefully, etc. etc.

In short, divorce him.
When he is gone, you will find it easier to cut out the wine, and start re-building yourself and your life.

He did something that many people would have divorced him for. I stayed. Then he said something that was so unforgivable it was all over. When you know you know.

Staying with their father when you feel like this is NOT what is best for them.

He's trying to prepare you for forceful sex.

I thought that too. if the videos are from YouTube then please report the videos to. Arsehole incel men are obviously using these videos to control women into getting sex. And what actually does happen to men in these videos who don't get sex? oh let's guess, their testicals probably explode.
Definitely LTB op.

I'm sure you'll feel the need to drink less once you get this twat out.

I already feel somewhat relief. I think it is over now, I dont feel the need to drink wine, think I just got into a habit. I am so glad I have realised that it couldnt carry on. I mentioned it to partner and he said yes but it doesnt affect my parenting, it absolutely does and they mean the world to me.

Oh right - so him not being a lazy slob who needs picking up after is your reward for having sex? Well, aren’t you the lucky one?! He needs to give his head a wobble. Helping around the house is his obligation as a fellow adult. He’s using it as a way of getting more sex and it’s pathetic. God, no wonder you’re sick of him and don’t want to have sex with him.

The relationship is over.

Did MN ban him @WishIwasmumsy or just delete his thread?

What I mean is, is he still reading this?

I hope @WishIwasmumsy is safe

I am ok :), not even been tempted to have a wine either :)

Is he still with you ?

Im not sure, he can probably still see my posts but I am going to stay off Mumsnet for a while I think. Today has taught me a lot.

He is here, I have ask him what he thinks we should do and he said he doesnt want to sound abusive, I just said making a suggestion is not abuse. He also said there are worse men than him around I am fully aware of that. I just need to work out what I am going to do and start to love myself again as I have completely lost myself the past few months. I had a good chat with my mum earlier which was nice. I dont like reaching out to friends as they have enough to deal with. Once I have made a final decision I will lean on them for support.

Thank you all ladies for your advice, really appreciate it x

You don't have to stay of MN if you don't want to. You can easy change names to . You can even use it Just a bit of company if you wanted to. . Obviously your choice though . Just make sure its your choice though and no one else's . 💐

If he doesn't want to sound abusive then don't BE abusive.

The fact there are worse men is a shitty argument. Doesn't make him prince fucking charming. Just makes him another abusive controlling dick.

He has gone out to watch the footie haha

You’re joking?

He’s awful. I’m really sorry for you, OP. You sound so resigned.

Did he make broken promises before he left ?

You could use the time to pack his case and leave it on the door step.

I hope one day you get the courage to kick him out for good.

He just kept saying that I have created a bad picture of him and repeating how abusive he is. I told him that every I said was the truth, I think maybe he is shocked himself looking back. I dont know.

Stop worrying about what is going on in his stupid head and think about what you are going to do.

Bah.
All these tossers are the same - hate accepting/ admitting they're abusive.

Ignore him. And make plans to end things. You deserve so much better and so do your children.