To ask when you knew you had to split

[WishIwasmumsy]

I had my husband back after a trial separation, we told the kids he was looking after grandparents house so never actually told them we were splitting. Since having him back I am regretting my decision, nothing has changed. He is still so lazy and goes out all the time. Last week he went to 2 gigs and was rough the following days and tonight he has just asked if he can go to one as he has been offered tickets. This will mean he will not come home from work, I think this time I am even more unhappy than last time. We don't talk anymore, I just go to bed as I am tired or just avoiding him. Our kids ae 6 and 3 and I just want what is best for them.

He is just a dick, He was sat at the top of the stairs with his head in his arms because apparently I will not listen, I tried to get past him and he said I shoved him out the way and shouted at me, I didnt. I dont want to be forced to have sex with somebody, all the videos he is showing, the woman is rolling over and accepting being the one that is in the wrong. I really do not think I am wrong

The videos would make me want to leave him even more!

He is trying to make me think that he is right. I am not perfect but I am not accepting full responsibility for this, he is saying it is all my fault.

I absolutely agree!

Yep, totally agree. To be fair it was the day he got the keys and he just wanted to go in and clean and by this point I just wanted him gone so if lending him stuff hastened that process then all good.

Clearly we have magic self cleaning floors in my house.

He actually wanted to gradually move in over a two week period despite the fact it was now effectively and legally my house that I now had to pay a mortgage on.

He's been away since Monday but still has stuff to collect and according to DS (who went up to help him build a wardrobe yesterday) he's coming today to collect it.

He's bemused about how long it takes to sort stuff like insurance etc and did admit he regrets bowing out of doing that stuff as now he's 60 and doesn't know how to do it anymore. But again, that's all about him and not an apology for leaving it all to me previously.

I'm loving him not being here, kitchen is how I left it the night before etc and it's so lovely and peaceful.

I just allowed myself to get sucked into doing it all. We used to have arguments and I would say I felt like a single parent but I think for a long time it had eaten at my self esteem and lost myself in the busyness and let it all lie.

Op, do you feel you are safe? Some of his behaviour is really concerning but obvs none if us are in your situation or know him.

I feel like a segment of my former self. I am so teary and keep questioning if it is me.

It's also amazing how every time he has popped down (not since Tuesday) he has needed to have a pee. He's still like a fucking dog needing to mark his territory!

I do feel scared of him and like he could turn, he has never hurt me but as I tried to get past he elbowed my leg and it hurt. I just dont know, he has to be right all the time.

It's not you OP. I know that feeling. I still feel guilty about stuff even though I know it's him not me. You are a strong woman who can do this. Life will be better without the constant stress of trying to work out his mood.

He might not be beating you up, but it's still a form of abuse.

@WishIwasmumsy
Tell him to leave now.

He's torturing you sending you nonsense.

Can you get someone to come round to support you?

I am not worried he will hurt me, not really, he has got angry on occasions and either shoved me out of the way or pointed in my face. He is just sat there now very quiet. This is the first time I have retaliated and shouted back and now I feel like the guilty one. I usually just walk a way as I dont think it is right infront of the kids, they are so happy and innocent.

You should never ever be made to feel like that. He is abusive. If he has made you feel that way plus you said you do feel scared of him. You can't live like that. There is nothing positive about the relationship. Your worth so much more . Get rid of him. Life will be much better and you will feel better in yourself.

he elbowed my leg and it hurt

He has hurt you. I too used to minimalise these small hurts. But they build, slowly and insiduously.

It's time to look after yourself and your children OP

I do question myself because I have always been the one to be goby and voice my opinion. I suppose in the beginning he was so quiet and timid and literally did everything for me. What has changed? what if it is all down to me?

You are miserable with him. You can be happy without him. Even if it were your fault (it isn't), you're allowed to end it.

To be honest, in the long run it will be better for him too if you split properly. You can't give him what he wants and you shouldn't feel guilty about that. What he wants isn't reasonable and not up to you to provide.

It's meant to be a partnership not a dictatorship.

Ex said to me that we used to work well together and that we should have been able to make it work. I agree but it takes 2 to tango and I take the blame for allowing him to get away with things and then feeling resentment.

I don’t think you’re wrong at all!

He keeps sending me videos of what happens to men when they are deprived of sex.

What the shit did I just read?

He has just seen that I have put a post on mumsnet and he is creating one himself. He will not tell me his name, but this is what he is sat there doing apparently

When I gave him a second chance, after months of him pleading and promising to change. I took him back and everything went straight back to crap. There was no honeymoon period or him being on his best behaviour for while, nothing. He was back to the same B/S within a week. I realised then that he had so little respect for me and our son that he couldn't even be bothered to pretend that he was going to change. I got rid and there was no third chance, even though he tried.

Good, we'll be ready for him!!

We aren't married.... but I knew I had to end it when I had to eat two dinners because I lied to be away from him.
I went into town with friends and had some food with them I lied and told him I wasn't going because I honestly wanted a break from him. Then he called and told he was headed to the bar to so I had to lie and say I had also just arrived to see a couple of friends also.
He said we should have dinner.... so I had to stay and eat another meal! The waitress was looking at me like I was insane .......
Ended it about a week later and yes I told him haha

How has he seen your post? Does he monitor your phone or something?