To ask when you knew you had to split

[WishIwasmumsy]

I had my husband back after a trial separation, we told the kids he was looking after grandparents house so never actually told them we were splitting. Since having him back I am regretting my decision, nothing has changed. He is still so lazy and goes out all the time. Last week he went to 2 gigs and was rough the following days and tonight he has just asked if he can go to one as he has been offered tickets. This will mean he will not come home from work, I think this time I am even more unhappy than last time. We don't talk anymore, I just go to bed as I am tired or just avoiding him. Our kids ae 6 and 3 and I just want what is best for them.

Even on my working days, I get up, get the kids dressed, give them their breakfast whilst he watches videos on his phone in bed. He says he has got up but I honestly dont remember when he did. Maybe I have a memory issue or something or probably because I am constantly drunk.

I know I need to cut down on wine, that is my main focus, I do think I will be a lot happier on my own and regardless of how unhappy I have been, I should not drink wine to take that away. That is my first step.

Doing the best for your children is not staying in a relationship that makes you miserable. It's setting an example about what is acceptable and showing them that it's ok to advocate for yourself and make yourself happy so you, in turn, can be a better parent. He is taking no accountability so show him the door and do things on your own terms. It's not easy but do it for you, your children are watching you, lead them well. Much love to you x

He is also not addressing the sex thing. He seems to answer everything else but that.

@Pumpkinpie1
I actively encourage her to go out and do things because I agree with you, she went to Belfast a couple of weekends ago and i was over the moon because its healthy to have your own time and she knows she can have that whenever she wants
I dont think the household tasks should be done by her and I havent blamed anyone
I'm not here to defend myself which is why I have only written facts

This doesnt work for what I wanted to attempt to achieve when theres clearly another post that people are referring to thanks to those that have responded based on what I've said

He says he was happy for me to go to Belfast with my friends but the night before he told me hoped my plane would crash?

Had this myself with the sex, these men don't see that their behaviour makes them completely repulsive and the last thing we want to do is have sex with them!

End it, nothing will improve, a man who thinks sex from his wife is his right and sulks about it is disgusting

I do understand that men need affection, of course I do, but here are my daily tasks:

Get up with the kids every morning
Make their breakfast
Take them to school/nursery
go to work
pick them up from school/nursery
Make their tea
Wonder what time he is coming home as I never know
bath them
get their clothes ready for the following day
open wine usually between making tea (which I am aware has to absolutely stop, I am not in denial about this)

Is this actually true though? I know you said your not drunk every night. But are you drunk often?

I have read his thread. What a horrible little fucker he is. He has invaded your space and deliberately posted to try to bring you down - that is not the action of someone who loves you. Kick his nasty arse to the kerb, you will be happier without this manipulative sex pest in your life. Stay strong.

I wouldnt say so no, I drink too much wine I know that and I know it needs to stop, it has been on my mind for a while and know I need to cut it out.

@WishIwasmumsy how where things for you when you separated for a bit. ?

Why don’t you both go back to “I love this woman” then discuss how it’s displayed?

Things felt a lot more manageable as he always said I needed to drop my expectations and then I would never feel let down. I dropped all expectations and felt more at ease. I am not innocent in this and I need to point out that he has never physically hurt me, other than the incident this morning and smacking my bum so hard it left a handprint, the odd finger pointing in face and swearing etc.

@WishIwasmumsy

What happens to a man when he doesn't have sex?!?!

I always thought it was nothing.....

Apparently if we had sex more he would help around the house

@BigBoysDontCry

Can't your children take on some of the chores?

I think we both have different opinions of what love is. The resentment started when we had our first baby. He was working until 10pm some nights and I was overwhelmed and getting up in the night every night with our baby. I was so alone and he ended up leaving when she was 6 weeks old and I massively struggled with it. In that time he was going out with friends and enjoying his life whilst I would be at home with out DD, sometimes holding her with tears falling on her head. I found out I was pregnant again when she was 9 months old and I decided to terminate the pregnancy due to the state our relationship was in. This had a massive negative impact on my mental health and when our son was born 2 yeas later I had massive PND issues in relation to the abortion. I had a lot of guilt and went to the Dr to get help. I was then put on antidepressants and massively improved. I just want to add that I did not drink at all for years whilst pregnant/breastfeeding. It has only been recently that I have started reaching out for wine as a way to relax in an evening. I have been questioning this for a while and know it is wrong and I need to do something about it.

So sounds like you've always had an unequal relationship one way or another. Does it matter who's fault it is? It's not working so time to part ways, putting the kids at the centre of your discussions.

It almost feels like he's brain washing you. And gas lighting.

Since he knows about this thread. Has he told you to say he has not hurt you .

He told you to drop expections. So you would not feel let down... that's fucked up.

It's not exactly the same as your situation but with my ex I felt like a slave to the house, and a slave to him. He made me feel like I had no value. When I finally ended the relationship for good . It felt a massive weight lifted. Everything feels much better without him around.

I hope you are able to end the relationship for you.

Yes, they already have and it wasn't much to be honest. I've also got them doing more. I sort of stopped getting them to do things as whilst I think they should do things for themselves, I didnt think it was fair getting them to clear up after their dad and also didn't want ex doing even less. Boys have always looked after their own bedrooms, changed their own beds, done their laundry etc

Most of the time it will just be me and eldest. He's autistic and works part time but we've agreed to have a proper rota and he'll happily follow it. We have DS2 home for a few weeks and it's already clear that they can manage to fill the dishwasher and wipe down the worktops without being asked.

Ds1 has been doing the grass and weeds for a few months.

Take photos and videos of that sort of thing to remind yourself when you are wavering.

I'm worried for you.
Are you safe at the moment?
Bearing in mind he knows about this thread and has started his own?

He’s an abusive dick who is trying to take away your support. You were right when you said that he just has to win, that is why he has posted on mumsnet, he is just trying to win. He can get ti fuck. Asshole.

So like a trade off ? No thank you it's his house too so part of the stuff that needs doing is his!

“I go out once a week with a friend for an hour and bring home a takeaway”
yet
“Last week he went to 2 gigs…and has just asked…”
The truth needs to be ascertained here.

I pick one child up from School/Nursery on a Monday and Tuesday in order to support as after school clubs end at 5.30/6pm
WTAF? You’re an equal parent, not a supporting act, Taupe.

I wouldnt call what he did this morning assault. I should have said excuse me instead of just trying to get past

I think he's told you to backtrack.
He doesn't like being outed as a domestic abuser but we can see him.
Don't worry. A better life is ahead, when you've split up.