Weird colleague - would you say something?

[dillydal]

I'm relatively new in my organisation, in the first couple of months. I was waiting for a lift to go home, as was a man I'd never met. Suddenly, he reached into my bag and rummaged around. At the bottom of my bag was a bag of coffee which he pulled out, in the process pulling out some tampons, a box of sertraline and athletes foot cream that I'd got from Boots on my lunch break. As we got into the lift, he then started throwing the coffee between his hands like you would do if you're teasing a child and kept repeatedly saying quite close to my face "you're not having it back". At this point, I was really uncomfortable and said quite tersely, you shouldn't go in someone's bag. I think he realised he'd crossed a line and quickly gave it me bag. I found it really odd and feel it's worth flagging to my manager just even for a quiet word about conduct but not sure I'm making a big issue. That said, he made me feel really uncomfortable and is allowed to just forgot. Would you flag quietly with your line manager?

Seriously odd behaviour!

I am so sorry OP, that sounds awful.

While not that kind of behaviour, I have worked with a guy who is weird and rude and has no boundaries in work convos, and whenever a new person is in on say, a meeting or a call, even (especially?) if they are senior to him, he makes a point of showing everyone how he is. I interpret it as a kind of steamroller over boundaries; a way to establish that “this is how I am so get used to it”.

Funnily enough, we had a very high proportion of women staff, including senior managers, and he didn’t act like this to anywhere the same degree with male colleagues!

Shock, disbelief and fear?

Hi @dillydal what happened? Did you report the weirdo? Hope all is ok.

I'd flag it LOUDLY with my manager. Not to cane you but really you should have reported it ASAP because stuff like CCTV would be more likely to be available. Some places only keep it for so long.

My God that's a very basic social boundary he broke there. There's something not right with him. Report.

I’d report it, his weird behaviour could escalate or he could pick someone more vulnerable next time who doesn’t cope as well as you have

I work in HR. We would definitely want to know about this. What he did was totally unacceptable.

@DrinkFeckArseBrick Exactly. And it's difficult to know with a weirdo like that if he might have done something even weirder or scarier if she'd slapped him or shouted at him as others have suggested she should have done. He sounds like an arrogant tosspot who has never grown up and thinks this is some kind of cute way of flirting or asserting his machismo. I feel for you, OP, and I agree with others that you should report him. Makes me wonder how many other staff members he irritates and freaks out on a daily basis.

Oh 100% you report it, even if you choose not to take it further, it's still best that a manager knows there was an incident incase of anything else further down the line. I had a colleague wave a broken hanger in my face, he literally described it after as 'just a silly joke' but I lost my shit with him. Men make me angry and uncomfortable anyway, but men being in my face? In my space? And then fobbing it off as a joke? He's lucky I didn't punch him. I went straight to my managers, granted they just fobbed it off too (both women, I was surprised they did, especially knowing why I don't like men), but at least I told them, I said I didn't want to take it further at this stage because I'd already basically handled him myself. If he chooses to behave that way again, it will be a full report and they'll have to deal with it because they're aware of a previous incident.
So yes, even if it's just an 'I'm informing you this has happened' chat with your manager, definitely do it to cover yourself incase of future issues.

As we got into the lift, he then started throwing the coffee between his hands like you would do if you're teasing a child and kept repeatedly saying quite close to my face "you're not having it back". At this point, I was really uncomfortable and said quite tersely, you shouldn't go in someone's bag. I think he realised he'd crossed a line and quickly gave it me bag.

I know MN is easily triggered by anyone suggesting a man's behaviour could be due to ND instead just being an arsehole human being by default. But based on this reaction, I think a reasonable (and non creepy) explanation is that he has some level of neurodivergence. It sounds heavily like masking behaviour and copying something that he did once before or witnessed someone else do.

DH is on the spectrum but high-masking enough to hold down a job. He has a tendency to repeat actions or phrases or jokes that worked socially once before but not always in the correct social context. I strongly suspect this colleague did the same thing with an item in someone's bag, possibly a close relative or child/teen, and tossed it around which elicited a positive response at the time. So in his mind, he registered this exact pattern of behaviour as something which is fun or potentially ice breaking.

What went completely wrong here was not recognising the social context and that reaching into a female colleague's bag is absolutely not acceptable. He was mortified when you told him. DH wouldn't go as far as reaching into a stranger's bag but he's said things in front of people we barely know that were really off the mark. I know he was just repeating something he heard a friend say in an entirely different social context, or a rude joke he made to closer friends that was met with a positive response. He's obviously mortified when told afterwards that it was inappropriate.

The problem is that even if ND was an explanation, it doesn't excuse inappropriate behaviour. So you are within your rights to report it to your manager. Just know that it doesn't necessarily mean he's a creep or pervert or bully. I think it was a very misguided but well-meaning attempt to be sociable and he is probably well aware that he's perceived as "weird" by others.

Definitely report it, I'd be amazed if he isn't already known for his inappropriate behaviour. Your organisation, if half decent, will address the matter appropriately: if they don't or they brush it off, then you will have a useful heads up early on of the kind of people you're working for.

I have no idea whether this thread is on the level, but incidents like this absolutely do happen in the workplace, pubs, trains, the street, because some people have no idea of boundaries and some men think they are jolly funny chaps and that women are there to amuse them. I'm not sure how so many posters have managed to avoid either experiencing or witnessing anything like it. Probably less common nowadays though as less socially acceptable.

When you read some of the comments on here, it’s not difficult to see why women have problems coming forward with issues of abuse and assault.

You what? This was before you got in the lift and then you quietly and calmly GOT IN THE LIFT with this man? This is beyond weird, it’s bullying/harrassment. I would have been stood there saying and then shouting what the hell do you think you’re doing? Calling attention to it so you could get help?! I would not have then gotten in a lift with a man exhibiting attack behaviour?!

I am female, not sure if you are OP but I’d 100% be reporting.

Agreed - waiting for round 2 enables this behaviour!?!0

Wow I'm disagreeing with basically everyone. I wouldn't report it. What do you want HR to DO?

Next time I was at his desk I'd ostentatiously rummage through his bag and waltz off with something from there, probably shoving it down my front.

But this is probably why I'm self-employed....

Two wrongs don’t make a right…. I wouldn’t be behaving the same horrendous way.
if it’s happened before or it happens again then eventually HR will fire him! People like this can’t keep getting away with their abhorrent actions!

The only thing I'd ever get from my wife's handbag is hepatitis 👜

Hi OP - I'm assuming you're not a 6'5 hulking male? Because I doubt he would do this to a large, strong man. He's a bully. I hate men like him.

I am not surprised you were just shock frozen and didnt do or say anything as it happened.

I'd want HR to know that I was going to report this man to the police for common assault.

Do you often get reports of weird behaviour like this? It sounds so strange

Sounds like a scene from League of Gentlemen