Weird colleague - would you say something?

[dillydal]

I'm relatively new in my organisation, in the first couple of months. I was waiting for a lift to go home, as was a man I'd never met. Suddenly, he reached into my bag and rummaged around. At the bottom of my bag was a bag of coffee which he pulled out, in the process pulling out some tampons, a box of sertraline and athletes foot cream that I'd got from Boots on my lunch break. As we got into the lift, he then started throwing the coffee between his hands like you would do if you're teasing a child and kept repeatedly saying quite close to my face "you're not having it back". At this point, I was really uncomfortable and said quite tersely, you shouldn't go in someone's bag. I think he realised he'd crossed a line and quickly gave it me bag. I found it really odd and feel it's worth flagging to my manager just even for a quiet word about conduct but not sure I'm making a big issue. That said, he made me feel really uncomfortable and is allowed to just forgot. Would you flag quietly with your line manager?

You must report this to your manager and HR.

This is not normal behaviour at all and the fact he chose to act up in the lift where no-one else could see indicates that it was planned and that it’s highly likely that he’s done other inappropriate things towards women in the past.

Men get away with this sort of behaviour because no-one tries to stop them. I’m not blaming you OP for not acting in the moment. Clearly you were shocked and stunned into doing nothing.

I had a man grab and squeeze my boob when I was in my twenties and I did nothing as I was so shocked and very upset afterwards. However, when something similar happened a few years later, I actually punched him hard in the face as my automatic reaction. He got a broken nose and my hand hurt a bit but I felt really good. 😊

I wouldn't be 'quiet' when I raised it with my line manager OP! But yes, you definitely need to make management aware and the individual in question needs to be told, in no uncertain terms that his behaviour was unacceptable.

The 'class clown' has already started taking the piss out of you, if you don't stop it now it'll only get worse. And if, as a result of him receiving a bollocking for his behaviour, he does get worse, then you report it every single time.

WTAF? This is totally not acceptable. He's trying to intimidate you as the new person. I'm old and would have told him to F off and would have gone to my manager but if this happened to my young DDs, they would have been scared and I'm not sure how they would have reacted. Medication is confidential as well and he invaded your privacy. What a shit.

But why?

Why as women are we encouraging someone to meekly/quietly/not make a fuss about something that should be reported? It makes me despair.

I’d do more than flag it. I’d raise a bloody big complaint. What he did was harassment. Technically it was assault actually.

Men get away with this shit because women don't formally complain and downplay it in their head as not serious. It really is - previous posters are right it's assault. Plus he'll keep doing it with no one to call him out on it. You can be absolutely sure he's NEVER do that to a man as he knows he'd get thumped.

Please lay a formal complaint to your manager/HR (and don't let them persuade you to let it go, should they try).

PS: I work in HR and would absolutely take this seriously.

Men get away with this shit because women don't formally complain and downplay it in their head as not serious.

Exactly. Because we’re all taught to ‘be kind’. Put up and shut up in other words. Don’t make a fuss.

Yes raise it.

What odd behaviour.

Forget the line manager. Straight to HR, and raise merry hell.

I don't think I'd report it formally but would just tell several colleagues what he did and what a fucking weirdo he seems to be. He certainly wouldn't be getting away with anything as his reputation would be buggered.

Why wouldn't you want to achieve anything with your report?

I would want him to be given a warning, as a minimum. It's bullying and intrusive behaviour, completely inappropriate in a workplace - and I can guarantee he wouldn't have done it if OP had been a man. Because a man would have been likely to punch him for it.

Yes. It took me a long time to realise that while I am absolutely the kind of person who calls this shit out on the spot, that's not actually "normal". I used to be one of those women who would say, "why didn't you do anything?" but I'm a lot more understanding now because I better understand the fear factor combined with the years of social conditioning.

Perfectly normal reaction, has happened to me a couple of times. The whole time-slowing-down-whilst-your-brain-tries-to-come-up-with-a-sensible-explanation-or-any-explanation-at-all experience.

Yes, I absolutely would be talking to my manager about this. Your weird colleague most likely has form for pulling this kind of shit. Do not let it pass; he'll feel emboldened to do it to you again / do it to other people if you do.

Many years ago when I was a student another student kept going to my bag and helping himself to my equipment. I asked to not to help himself and to ask me if he wanted anything . He kept doing it and eventually I lost my temper and yelled at him to stop and he punched me . I reported him but as he was a fee paying student from another country nothing was done as the college was saving ££££ by him paying for his place . He never did it again . If it happened again I would not have reacted like I did but would have reported him a lot sooner . If he died it again report him . This is a privacy and boundary violation. He's probably testing your boundaries.

Some.men get off on violating women's boundaries. Report it so when the pattern emerges it can been seen as documented.

Because getting involved in disciplinary proceedings can be stressful and she is new on the job. Who knows if he has allies who will make her life difficult.

A lot can be achieved by gossip spreading that he's a weirdo with less risk to her.

But (as many PP have shown) a large part of that gossip is likely to be people blaming her, or at the very least excusing the man.

Can you ask other colleagues if he's known for strange behaviour. I have worked with some very odd but clever, eccentric people. Some are OK (as in weird but safe) and some are not. I would be looking for some other opinions. Going through your bag was extremely bizarre, were you holding it? I would immediately have assumed he was a thief, after my purse, and may well have hit him.

That’s awful op I would have froze too because it’s such weird and intrusive behaviour. I would report it. He sounds unhinged!!!!

Does the man work for the company? Have you come across him since? Behaviour sounds unbelievably weird.

There's no opinion that I can imagine someone giving me that would make me think his behaviour was OK.
And I wouldn't give a shiny shite how clever he was. It's not acceptable for an adult responsible enough to have and hold down a job to behave like that, full stop.

Yep that happened

I would raise it. Putting his hand in your bag is so out of line, behaving like that in an enclosed lift is intimidating. He is a lot worse than weird.

She already said she felt uncomfortable - how are you seeing her as the problem here, and not him?!