Weird colleague - would you say something?

[dillydal]

I'm relatively new in my organisation, in the first couple of months. I was waiting for a lift to go home, as was a man I'd never met. Suddenly, he reached into my bag and rummaged around. At the bottom of my bag was a bag of coffee which he pulled out, in the process pulling out some tampons, a box of sertraline and athletes foot cream that I'd got from Boots on my lunch break. As we got into the lift, he then started throwing the coffee between his hands like you would do if you're teasing a child and kept repeatedly saying quite close to my face "you're not having it back". At this point, I was really uncomfortable and said quite tersely, you shouldn't go in someone's bag. I think he realised he'd crossed a line and quickly gave it me bag. I found it really odd and feel it's worth flagging to my manager just even for a quiet word about conduct but not sure I'm making a big issue. That said, he made me feel really uncomfortable and is allowed to just forgot. Would you flag quietly with your line manager?

OP I think you have done all you need to. Sounds like he mis judged the situation and he will likely think twice before approaching you in humour if that's what it was??? If anything else happens then take it further but it sounds like you handled it assertively and professionally.

See, to me, as a man, I think saying nothing and having to change your own behaviour to fit in just enables and encourages this behaviour. I stick with my first thought: you need to report it, formally, officially and in writing. If the response from management is also not appropriate, I think it needs to be taken further.

I agree with the previous posters who have said that you should tell HR about this incident, @dillydal. I can't imagine what was going through this man's head when he did this, but he needs to be told, in no uncertain terms, that this sort of behaviour was not acceptable back in nursery school, and is definitely not acceptable in the workplace!

I would tell my manager ASAP and make it clear you find this behaviour unacceptable.
I would also tell the most gossipy person I work with so that it gets around.
He sounds a total freak and what he did was 100% unacceptable.

All the people asking why she just stood there have never said no to a man who responded with violence.

Raise it with HIS manager.

Tell everyone what he did and how uncomfortable it made you - especially the women you work with!

I Posted upthread I got punched when I robustly challenged my violator .

Another thing you could do, if you feel you need support in discussing this, is get your union involved if you are in one.

@CreamStick - your story is terrible - you were so badly let down by the college!

This man clearly enjoys breaching boundaries and that kind of behaviour always escalates. I'd report it right away.

This was many years ago before the internet . The country the guy came from women were classed as second class citizens and what a man said went . He was spoken to about attitudes being different to women in the UK but as he was saving the college ££££ they were reluctant to kick him out . He did apologise to me but I suspect only because he was urged to do things could be smoothed over and swept under a rug . I can remember my Dad being furious and was all for going and thumping him . I managed to talk him down as I wanted to complete the course. He would not get away with hitting a woman today .

Arsehole. Report him. That’s deliberate intimidation.

Your colleague behaved entirely inappropriately.

I completely understand that you were stunned into silence and frankly, it is also quite scary because you don’t know him and you don’t know what he would do next.

Do not downplay it or suggest that you just want to share it with your manager with no outcome, as someone wrongly suggests to you. Your manager isn’t your teenage friend. Tell your manager in a matter of fact. ‘I’m new, I don’t know if this is a joke, neither do I know this persons personality, but I was stunned into silence when he went rifling through my bag without permission. He tossed around my feminine hygiene products and medication, and that is very inappropriate and disconcerting.

The reaction of your manager and HR will tell you a lot about the rest of the organisation/ the culture.

I went back to read. Awful. I'm so sorry that was your experience.

@NothingVenturedAndAllThat

My mistake was to confront him I should have gone straight over his head and gone to the police .

Very weird and inappropriate I'd report asap.

Why are people asking why the OP let this happen? It’s not her fault that someone
else is weird. We all
think we will react a certain way but the reality is very different.

the question i have is why do you have a random coffee bean 🫘 in your bag 😝 how did it get there? What’s the story there?

Not only would I raise it with HR, I would also be telling anyone who would listen about the rude man who thought it was okay to go rummaging in my bag - how odd!

What a weirdo 🤨

Freeze is a normal response to bonkers intimidating behaviour.

This should be raised with HR. This guy is chosing to shit where he eats.

Complaint should be as follows.

On (Date and Time) I entered the lift with XX.

He reached into my back and touched my private property including some personal items.

He removed a cup and used to engage with me in an intimidating manner. He tossed the cup around and said "insert quote"

I responded with "quote" and he returned the cup.

After the incident I felt insert feelings here

Rinse and repeat everytime he does it.

Good grief! If someone I didn't know started rummaging around in my bag I'd say 'What the fuck do you think you're doing?!' and slap their hand away. Definitely report it.

Report it, he's prob done something like this to others.

Yes, this! Easier said than done, OP, since you're new, but you did nothing wrong and his behaviour was at best inappropriate (though I would say violating and threatening).

Report it. Please. You won’t be the first. He’ll have done other stuff to other people. The more people reporting this kind of behaviour, the better.