Weird colleague - would you say something?

[dillydal]

I'm relatively new in my organisation, in the first couple of months. I was waiting for a lift to go home, as was a man I'd never met. Suddenly, he reached into my bag and rummaged around. At the bottom of my bag was a bag of coffee which he pulled out, in the process pulling out some tampons, a box of sertraline and athletes foot cream that I'd got from Boots on my lunch break. As we got into the lift, he then started throwing the coffee between his hands like you would do if you're teasing a child and kept repeatedly saying quite close to my face "you're not having it back". At this point, I was really uncomfortable and said quite tersely, you shouldn't go in someone's bag. I think he realised he'd crossed a line and quickly gave it me bag. I found it really odd and feel it's worth flagging to my manager just even for a quiet word about conduct but not sure I'm making a big issue. That said, he made me feel really uncomfortable and is allowed to just forgot. Would you flag quietly with your line manager?

Very strange. You’re not in the wrong here. Flag it. Surely there will be cctv in lift?

What the - are you sure he even worked there??

How bizarre!! So you’d had no conversation and he just started looking through your Boots bag? I think I would’ve also been stunned but would probably have asked him to stop touching my tampons so he realised he was invading my privacy (and because I don’t want people’s mitts on my tampons)

What? No! This warrants a proper complaint, not this wet response!

No ... Why are men like this?!

How depressingly typical for posters to jump on the OP for not reacting perfectly in the moment 🙄

I’d definitely raise it OP, I’d bet you’re not the first person he’s been inappropriate with.

100% go to your boss or HR. This is unacceptable and in a lift, you cannot walk away. It’s totally unacceptable and not your fault. He needs a disciplinary warning.

Would you flag quietly with your line manager?

No. I’d very firmly and formally raise this with my line manager and let them know that I expected something to be done about it. It sounds so completely insane that it would be too far fetched to be a made up story (not that I am in any way suggesting that you have made it up). I cannot imagine what made this absolute twat think that it was a good idea, or that anyone would think it was a joke, but he needs to have a massive bollocking and be put back in his box.

Do you know who he is or what department he works in? How big is your organisation? Would you recognise him again? How long ago did this happen (just thinking of cctv). Have you seen him since?

Yeah this is really outrageous behaviour on your colleagues part. I'd be loudly telling the whole office what a nut job he is and pressing your manager to go and talk to someone about it.

I would report that to HR.

Ignore the posters saying "why did you let him", i can well understand how baffling such behaviour would be in the moment.

But in any sane workplace is this a disciplinary offence. Don't "quietly report it", report it all guns blazing.

I'd mention it I think. Just say something strange happened and it made you feel uncomfortable.

This is beyond weird. It sounds like someone with mental health issues.

Some horrible replies on here. It's completely normal to freeze in a stressful situation especially alone with a strange male, it's a natural response. Its a bit victim blamey to say the OP 'let' him do this. It's very easy to say what you would do (shout, pull away etc) but in the moment the OP probably felt completely taken by surprise - scared and freaked out. I'm pretty sure I would have been

You don't need to justify your reaction at all and there is no need for you to list what was in the bag.
Even if the bag had been completely empty he had no business doing that, maybe he thinks he's funny but its completely inappropriate, especially as he does't know you.
Its hard to know what to advise because I think you should speak to your manager and they will hopefully say they will have a word with the man and make sure he apologises and does't do anything like that again. However, there is a strong possibility that you will get the "thats just Bob, its what hes like" and you will be branded a fun sponge. Completely wrong but be prepared for it

I think you went into freeze mode and then decided everything was fine, in order to protect yourself.

But it's not fine, and now you can tell someone what happened...and the impact on you. It sounds very intrusive and frightening, and because you were alone you have sort of kept it a horrible secret.

Time to reveal all, you are totally innocent and this was an assault, to be clinical about it.

You sound like an understanding person, and yes the guy could have mental health issues, but that doesn't mean you have to minimise how you feel about it.

Only this morning I was reading an article about how a massive % of women say that they would react with anger to sexual harassment, and call it out/shout, scream, raise attention... but experiments show that when it actually happens to them a massive % actually freeze/smile/pacify, and experience fear rather than anger.

Very disappointing to then almost immediately have it proved by reading this thread and these responses.

"I'd raise hell/kick him in the balls/ he wouldn't know what had hit him! What's wrong with women these days!" If this is your response you should be absolutely ashamed. You're exactly the kind of people who would let off a rapist because the victim didn't fight back hard enough, and you're presumably eligible to serve on juries. Terrifying.

Bloody hell, of course you should raise it. He's fucking nuts. That's not a clumsy attempt at banter, it's really weird, invasive and intimidating behaviour. He's a cunt and it needs dealing with.

I'd definitely report to either LM or HR. I'd also expect the lift to have cctv and ask them to review it so they can see how outrageously he behaved and it's not able to be played down by him somehow.

If that happened to me I think my immediate thought would be he's going for my wallet - and I can see why being stuck in a small space like a lift you'd not go full 'what the fucking fuck, fuck off!'

Even my DP doesn't go in my handbag - in fact, that's pretty standard for all the men in my life with their partners. If someone says can you get the X it's in my bag, they would all bring the whole bag to it's owner. To ransack a strangers handbag is completely bizarre!

I'd want him to get a massive massive bollocking, frankly. He thoroughly deserves it.

Instead of formally reporting it you could ask your manager or colleagues if he's someone you should avoid as he made you very uncomfortable.

How does he generally behave in work?
Have you discussed it with any of your colleagues? I would have 💯reported this when it happened.

Yeah let's blame op for her reaction, not the tosser who rummaged in her bag

Totally bizzare behaviour and yes absolutely report it. I would report to a manager initially not HR though. Your manager can get advice from HR on what to do next. Whether he was joking around or not, it’s not about what he thought was acceptable. He needs at minimum a reminder of what is and is not acceptable. if it isn’t reported his behaviour might escalate

I can understand not doing anything while he was rummaging around in the bag. I don't always react quickly when someone's behaviour is so outside of normal as I'm standing there being shocked mostly.

I'd raise hell/kick him in the balls/ he wouldn't know what had hit him! What's wrong with women these days!" If this is your response you should be absolutely ashamed. You're exactly the kind of people who would let off a rapist because the victim didn't fight back hard enough, and you're presumably eligible to serve on juries. Terrifying.

Quite.

What a total lunatic!

Please raise this with HR straight away op.

He had no right to do that to you, the prick.