Weird colleague - would you say something?

[dillydal]

I'm relatively new in my organisation, in the first couple of months. I was waiting for a lift to go home, as was a man I'd never met. Suddenly, he reached into my bag and rummaged around. At the bottom of my bag was a bag of coffee which he pulled out, in the process pulling out some tampons, a box of sertraline and athletes foot cream that I'd got from Boots on my lunch break. As we got into the lift, he then started throwing the coffee between his hands like you would do if you're teasing a child and kept repeatedly saying quite close to my face "you're not having it back". At this point, I was really uncomfortable and said quite tersely, you shouldn't go in someone's bag. I think he realised he'd crossed a line and quickly gave it me bag. I found it really odd and feel it's worth flagging to my manager just even for a quiet word about conduct but not sure I'm making a big issue. That said, he made me feel really uncomfortable and is allowed to just forgot. Would you flag quietly with your line manager?

No, I definitely wouldn't "flag it quietly". I'd report him and tell my manager that if he wasn't immediately sacked I'd be taking the matter up with ACAS or whatever external authority would listen. This behaviour is outrageous. I suspect the man concerned is actually dangerous. You need to report it, in an official complaint against this individual, and not let it go.

I know every other poster seems to think they'd hammer the guy as soon as he put his hand anywhere near the bag, but unfortunately we're not all like that.

I would have done the same as the OP. I would freeze up and not know how to respond because it's such a weird thing to do.

Speak with your manager, but I would mention it in a casual way and ask if he's always that odd. I imagine they will pull him up on it. Hopefully it's just a (very bizarre) one off. What a weirdo.

Wonder if he thought he was being flirty or something?! Weird.

Victim blaming 🤮

A man you'd never met started to paw in your bag?

If you can identify him I'd loudly flag it with my manager, never mind quietly.

Men are more powerful the women, the freeze response is one of a few normal responses in a strange situation like this. His behaviour is his, not your, responsibility.

I would be worried about someone who lacked boundaries to this extent so i would tell someone.

Totally unacceptable and weird behaviour.

However, a similar thing happened to me when I was in a new job and I did speak to a senior colleague in confidence about it who then told the persons manager (when I specifically asked not to) who then told the person to apologise to me.

I got the impression they found it slightly amusing but also recognised it was inappropriate - it was kinda like ‘oh that’s ‘John’ for you!’.

John didn’t apologise, instead he told other members of staff that I was a stuck up snitch who couldn’t take a joke 🤣

He was also the ‘class clown’ and a line manager of a few folk who from then on in shunned me as apparently I didn’t have a sense of humour.

It was only months later I found out the person I had spoken to had broken my confidence.

My point is maybe don’t at say anything - just keep out the dickheads way 🤣

If he was challenged as to the incident in guessing his version might be very different from yours 🤣

This.
If this was on the street it would be assault and theft and clearly a police matter.
There is likely cctv in the lift?
There is no way I would be playing this down at all.
He sounds completely unhinged.
Tell your boss and HR now.

Why not?
You can’t get angry with someone just because they take something from your bag. That would be totally unMN.

REPORT REPORT REPORT
Bet he wouldn't have done this to a man.

Ignore posters who are saying why didn't you to anything at the time. You froze because its odd behaviour. I would have froze to.

What he is doing is testing your boundaries. We have tenant neighbours who cut the hedge in our garden at weekend because they like things neat. I challenged him and he came at me with macho bs. It was clear they were testing boundaries, not for the first time, because his partner said "We weren't doing things to wind you up" indicating exactly that.

He is a playground bully who has got away with it lots. Speaking out does make things awkward for you as you wont know yet where loyalties lie within the company. I hate this because you are the victim here and you have been placed in a difficult position. Fwiw, this man is a weirdo, bullying creep to be avoided at all costs.

Hopefully it’s on cctv. What an utter prick. Definitely report.

WTF is wrong with people 100% flag it I'd say he's known for this behaviour!!

This is terrible advice, I’m sorry this happened to you, but not saying anything is what allows people to keep doing stuff like this and their enablers to keep enabling them.
If someone wants to shun you because you don’t toe the line, so what? Fuck em.
As for just keeping out of his way, when I was a kid I was badly bullied and my parents’ only suggestion was to ‘just keep out of their way’. I can remember thinking how was I supposed to do that when obviously we were always in the school building together, and they used to approach me and grab my bag, throw and kick it around, snatch away my books, approach me in the yard and try to make me fight them etc.
Useless advice.

Mention it to your manager incase of any further weird behaviour.
Does he have problems or simple!

There are several reactions to intimidation, freeze is one of them.

Don't blame women for men's poor behaviour

It’s quite common to freeze in situations like this, no need to be snarky and make op feel worse.

If this was a good friend I’d take it in good humour but an unknown colleague, that’s really odd

I would have froze to likely, I just don't like the "should I complain or not and I will do it quietly"! Of course you should complain.

Absolutely complain! If there's a next time, don't stand there like a lemon.

OP, why might you think this is not a big issue?
Do you think this behaviour would ever be OK?
I am not blaming you or your response at all, but now you've had time to think about it, surely you must know that this is not OK.

Have you not taken in any of the comments on people criticising/blaming the OP for her response?
Freezing is a very common and basically involuntary response to this kind of 'attack' (which is what our lizard brain perceives it as).
Back off.

Wow… Victim Blamiing Anonymous. This site is getting worse and worse.