Boyfriend wants me to put his car under my car insurance

[CrossingBoundaries007]

Sorry for the log post. First for the backstory I have been dating this he's really nice, kind, affectionate, not stingy etc. He has expressed a desire to to marry me. He is divorced with 3 kids.

The issue is that when we met he told me about his bad credit. I wasn't really sure why but he had some debt, so hasn't been able to get a mortgage but he is self employed (contractor) earns comfortably so he's been trying to pay it off.

The issue now is recently he's found it hard to pay his bills. He works hard but the contacts have not been as consistent and many don't pay as well as before. He's just told me he can't pay his car insurance which was really high and he can't pay his rent and he pays the rent of his ex wife ) (in full) who the children live with and he has a child in a fee private school school fees is around 7k. He never discussed his choice to put his child in private school with me he just told me after the fact and that's a big part of my he has large outgoings. He's now finding it hard to pay that also.

The insurance company have cancelled his insurance for not paying and he really needs his car to drive to work which can be very far away sometimes.

i want to help him I suggested speaking to citizens advice etc but he's suggested I put his car under my name so he can continue to drive it. He has about 12 points on his licence (speeding) and is at risk of losing his licence which he's going to court for to appeal.

I feel bad for him but what would you wise ladies do in this situation. A I being unreasonable to say no. I'm a single mum btw.

Jesus, if he can afford school fees and to pay his exs rent..mm he can afford to be a big boy and look after himself.

What the hell... he is taking you for a right mug. How cheeky,

Oh hi op... I just pay my exs rent and extortionate school fees, but please don't leave me and also lend me money and pay for car insurance where I racked up 12 points because i am responsible adult, potentially jeopardising your insurance.

Oh what... you said no? You are so ooo unreasonable... please don't leave me. I may just have to top myself because you are so horrible and mean and unreasonable! Where I didn't bring any of this on myself. Life's so unfair!

Thus is how it sounds its gone down. You deserve better op. Please respect yourself and child.

Sometimes I think this is sadly the case. Hopefully she wakes up. Its classic abuse tactics.

He may even be lying to her to manipulate go give money.

Who in right mind pays for private school in his position. And exes rent?

To get 12 points means he must drive like an idiot 100% of the time.

He is taking op for a mug, n I think he might even be lying about his money situation go make her feel guilty.

Yes, it's a savings scheme.

So male suicide is down to the fact that women won't just hand over unlimited cash.

Wow.

It sounds like you have a bit if a hard time with the idea of the “good boyfriend “ who helped out in an emergency and the other boyfriend who is spendthrift, disorganized, and manipulative/demanding.

We are taught to see people as all good or all bad. Hero or villain. That’s not really the way people are. Lots of people don’t have a strong ethical core but are more situational. They will throw down a huge tip to a waiter when everyone is watching and steal a tip when no one can see. They will order rounds for everyone one night and borrow the money from you to get home.

Your now hopefully ex has a problem regulating his behavior: he is a bad driver, he is bad with money, he overpromises to his ex wife and children, he is a chiseler and a cheap fraud (the attitude towards loans and car insurance), he doesn’t mind exploiting a single mother (you),. We say here : his mouth writes checks his body can’t cash.”

So he's paying Exs rent. He's paying for private school. He's saving 2K a month...but he wants YOU to pay his debts?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

And you are still with him. So actually that laughter is his. At you.

1. You don't know how he incurred the debt in the first place. Alarms should be ringing if he hasn't disclosed that.
2. He must be a really reckless driver to have incurred 12 points.
3. He has too many expenses - he'll never be a good risk.
4. He sees you as a way out of his money problems, so instead of solving things himself, he intends to leech off you.

It’s always irksome when a high-earning but spendthrift person expects to be bailed out by a significantly lower earner, who only has savings due to careful budgeting and economising and no one to help them out financially.

It sounds like you HAD a bit if a hard time with the idea of the “good boyfriend “ who helped out in an emergency and the other boyfriend who is spendthrift, disorganized, and manipulative/demanding.

It's over now.

But, everything you said is 100% correct, I wasn't naive though. I wanted to believe he would change and learn to do better. All along I had my doubts that's why I never allowed him move in even when he suggested it.

I opened this thread because like I said somewhere along the line I became desensitised. It's hard especially when everyone around you thinks he's perfect and you're just nitpicking. Obviously, they don't see the full picture and that's why I came to mumsnet.

This is exactly how I felt for the years we were together... But I kept telling myself it's okay to be sacrificial for your partner since he does things for me too. I've learnt my lesson though.

Sorry for the wrong tense! I wrote that post yesterday but failed to hit send on time! Good for you! Don’t feel ashamed of anything you have done. I certainly don’t think you were other than concerned sbout someone you were fond of. It was a little like being nibbled to death by ducks. Quite a sliw snd confusing experience.

Glad you've left him op... as if he was saving 2k a month too! What a liberty!

Legally you have no insurable interest in his vehicle and therefore cannot insure it. If he is the legal owner of the car, he needs to arrange the appropriate insurance coverage.

For cycle of abuse to continue, acts of kindness are needed
Don't be taken in by someone trying to financially abuse you because he did some kind things for you

Kind people don't speed around getting 12 points on licence and try to take money off other people by threatening suicide

Make sure you block him on all platforms OP, he knows how to push your buttons into taking him back - the biggest one will be him threatening suicide. Save yourself the aggro and block now.

It's actually quite funny to ask someone whose child goes to state school if they'll give you the money to send your own child to private school.

How long have you been together? He would have driven me mad a long time ago.

I agree.

Well done on ending it @CrossingBoundaries007

Onwards and upwards 💐

OP, I can on here about 4 years ago for advice about my boyfriend (I’ve changed name now) and the advice was overwhelming to get out of the toxic relationship, which indeed was abusive. In my heart I knew, but I needed a push. I did end it. It was hard & a hard road back to normality after being like you, desensitised and trauma bonded etc. My boyfriend could be nice, but obviously they have to be don’t they, or they never meet anyone else nice who they can take advantage of. He threatened suicide too.
I’m so glad I used the advice of the thread to realise I needed to properly end it. No contact, a fresh start and healing.
I read a lot about abuse afterwards and one book which was excellent was ‘Why does he do that’ - it’s worth a read. I met someone lovely 2 years ago and am in a completely different place now. I worked on my boundaries and had some therapy.

I wish you well and hope you and your child flourish. You won’t if you stay in this unhealthy relationship.

Thank you for sharing your experience and your empathy. I must admit I was a bit upset when some PPs suggested I just liked the drama and attention, that's the opposites of my person. Like you said over time one becomes desensitised.

This thread was the push I needed.

Thank you I will check out the book too. 💐

It's been about 4 years. 😢

OP ignore those posters. Some people here just want instant action and don’t understand the nuances. Leaving a toxic, controlling or abusive relationship is particularly hard. It took me 3 attempts before I could leave. I was with my ex for 3 years and some of it was fantastic so it isn’t straightforward or easy, especially if you’ve never experienced anything like it before - it’s confusing (the fog) and these men are particularly good at what they do.

You just have to realise that it’s wrong. Protect yourself & your child and keep that front and centre of your mind. I created a mantra of: ‘I’m a good person, I’ve done nothing wrong’ when my mind started to wander. I kept my children’s emotional and mental welfare my topmost priority. If I wasn’t happy & in an unhealthy relationship they would definitely suffer.

💐

Op... most women been where you are. Be proud of you taking the steps needed now. I was stuck in a toxic relationship for 3 years till I realised... we all go through it. Be proud of changes you are making now. You smashing it and reaching out on forums where you know you will get tough love is brave

YANBU.
Unfortunately if you are the policy holder and he has an accident in that vehicle (bearing in mind his propensity to speed and potential lack of observation skill to have done it presumably near a camera - it's not implausible to think he's at risk of having a prang) then you'll be the one who is affected, your no claims will reduce and your insurance premiums will increase.
Unfortunately he needs to learn some accountability for his situation. His insurance is probably so high because of speeding, which was a voluntary choice!!

OP, I don't need to say all the things that have been said here, except to say that I agree with them. Thank goodness for MN. You sound lovely and not at all stupid
I wonder if his younger two children are girls and therefore don't "need" private school or he's just going to wait until the time comes and hope he can get more money somewhere

Well done @CrossingBoundaries007 . I understand it must feel horrible but its the best thing for you and your child.