Boyfriend wants me to put his car under my car insurance

[CrossingBoundaries007]

Sorry for the log post. First for the backstory I have been dating this he's really nice, kind, affectionate, not stingy etc. He has expressed a desire to to marry me. He is divorced with 3 kids.

The issue is that when we met he told me about his bad credit. I wasn't really sure why but he had some debt, so hasn't been able to get a mortgage but he is self employed (contractor) earns comfortably so he's been trying to pay it off.

The issue now is recently he's found it hard to pay his bills. He works hard but the contacts have not been as consistent and many don't pay as well as before. He's just told me he can't pay his car insurance which was really high and he can't pay his rent and he pays the rent of his ex wife ) (in full) who the children live with and he has a child in a fee private school school fees is around 7k. He never discussed his choice to put his child in private school with me he just told me after the fact and that's a big part of my he has large outgoings. He's now finding it hard to pay that also.

The insurance company have cancelled his insurance for not paying and he really needs his car to drive to work which can be very far away sometimes.

i want to help him I suggested speaking to citizens advice etc but he's suggested I put his car under my name so he can continue to drive it. He has about 12 points on his licence (speeding) and is at risk of losing his licence which he's going to court for to appeal.

I feel bad for him but what would you wise ladies do in this situation. A I being unreasonable to say no. I'm a single mum btw.

How old is he and OP? I'm just thinking she must be young because nobody with experience in relationships can possibly be this naive. It's almost tragic she actually thinks this man is her best bet because she can't find anyone else. I mean you'd have to have pretty low self esteem to settle for a man this vile. Using threats of suicide to manipulate and coerce people into giving him money otherwise he might kill himself and it will all be your fault. Pure evil. I feel like throwing my laptop out the upstairs window the more I hear about this disgusting, despicable excuse for a man. This is an abusive relationship. Seriously OP, if you don't want better for yourself, at least aim for something better for your kid!

He's a bottomless money pit of a man. Luckily you've seen the light OP.

Has she though? She hasn't said she's ended it.

I just read this morning's update @CrossingBoundaries007 . He's emotionally and financially abusive towards you. I hope that you'll give him the boot once and for all. You are worth so much more than being treated as a walking cashpoint who he can also sleep with.
Please contact women's aid for some support with staying strong, and see if you can find the Freedom programme to do. I'd block his number and social media too. Don't let him worm his way back in.

@TheTartfulLodger I think she's getting there though, it's not easy when you like someone and you also know the whole person, not just the bad bits.

The OP doesn't sound very young or desparate for a man by the way. She sounds sensible and thoughtful.

@PrueRamsay msay Yes I am

@TomatoSandwiches Sandwiches POS as in Point of sale :)

@Crumpleton ton that’s exactly what he wants obviously

@TheTartfulLodger , @Howbizarre22 , @Greatmate @Greatmate and @TomatoSandwiches , @HarrytheHobbit and @KevinDeBrioche

You are ALL right in fact almost everyone on this entire thread . He clearly doesn’t see it as manipulation and for years I haven’t taken it seriously cos I realised he couldn’t see it but now I realise that I am always putting others first and maybe it’s cos I don’t want to be the proverbial “Fair weather friend” but this is getting out of hand. It’s funny cos I have always been very pragmatic and logical. I must say he’s hidden it well beneath all the charm and kind gestures over the years.

@Justkeepingplatesspinning @TheTartfulLodger Lodger Naaaah, I can’t put my child through all of that, if I’m going to be with anyone it has to be a relationship that is a positive example. Even all the toxic drama with his ex alone was probably enough for me to know he couldn’t give me that kind of relationship

@TheTartfulLodger I’ve decided to go with the approach of the PP suggested of becoming more and more unavailable until he realises I am out of his life. I won’t go the route of blocking him though… Too risky, just wouldn’t want to find out he went ahead with any of his insinuations

@Justkeepingplatesspinning I’m also looking into The Freedom Program but I’m not sure this counts as abuse, maybe I’m wrong and need to find out.

@plimbow w I know the whole person, once when my mum and I missed our flights back home due to some covid issues, he booked new flights for us and drove in the middle of the night to pick us up from the airport 2 hours away and took us to his to sleep over and then dropped us off at home 3+ hours away.

but he's two months late on school fees ( around 3k)

So the child will have to go to state school then.

Please get rid of this nasty, manipulative scummy bastard @CrossingBoundaries007 . He mentioned suicide because he’s becoming desperate as he can sense you’ve seen through him. If he threatens to harm himself call the police to do a welfare check on him. His behaviour towards you is utterly disgusting and he’s being emotionally abusive.

Quite simply, if he can’t afford school fees his kid can go to a state school. If he can’t afford car insurance he’ll have to get rid of the car. If he can’t pay his ex’s rent, she will have to pay it. NONE of this is your problem - it’s all on him because he’s made stupid decisions and he’s a terrible driver. If you end the relationship and block him you will remove a lot of unpleasantness from your life.

I advised him to approach the school or to ask his ex to approach the school and apply for a bursary or scholarship, I told him that I'm sure they have seen these situations time and time again where people's circumstances change I doubt his son will be kicked out he's a very good student.

Also to be clear, if he chooses to kill himself (he won’t - it’s all emotional manipulation to get your money) it is his choice and only his. You are not responsible for his mental health in any way.

It sounds like he’s getting desperate. The talk of suicide and stuff is really OTT but the first thing he has to do is to take his child out of private school. He cannot afford it. As of September that kid needs to be enrolled in a state school. End of.

I am sure he’s not all bad and that he’s done some nice things for you in the past. It’s also hard when you are paying fees for a child to be at a school they love but he needs to confront reality. Chances are he will soon be banned from driving and his business will take a huge hit. There will be no school fees or rent or anything when that happens.

It’s a mess. I’d be firm but nice to him. You paying his insurance is a drop in the ocean and will not address the real issue. He needs to sort out his life big time.

I would probably leave him but it’s a choice only you can make.

He will get kicked out because his parents are not paying the fees. Your DP needs to accept that this pipe dream of private school is over. It’s not the worst that can happen to the boy - he will be absolutely fine at state school.

Yes, the insurance is a drop in the ocean. I hope he doesn’t lose his license that would be a massive hit, but I think the courts are lenient if they see you need to be able to drive to make a living.

Either way, I'm stepping away. Anyone can fall into bad times even with the most careful planning but in this case, I see that a lot of this could have been avoided if he was more transparent and listed to me. When I split with him before I told him he needed to put his kids first and that's what I need to do too.

I've read your latest update, he is emotionally black mailing you by mentioning suicide. He is being very manipulative to get what he wants. He wants you to pay for his car insurance and sort him with a loan. A normal sensible person would look at their means and cut put everything they can no longer afford. He needs to contact the school and explain that he can no.longer afford the fees. They may allow him to stay, offer a cheaper rate or suggest a date he moves to public school. It is not the end of the world for his child to attend public school. Mine do not attend private school, and they are doing well in school. None of these concern you or your child. Your money shouldnt be going on this man and his family, but to yourself and your child. His debt will build up again and he'll ask for yet another loan it will never end for him, unless he cancels private school and stops paying his ex wife's rent. I'm sure she can work/claim universal credit/move to a cheaper property.

Sounds sensible OP. I would be sympathetic but firm with him and say that you need to step away for the sake of you and your DC. That you have given all advice you can and cant do more than that. That you really don’t appreciate the extreme emotional manipulation he is applying to you.

They might be sympathetic about the driving ban but it clearly states in the guidance that just needing to drive to work is not enough to count as exceptional hardship. And this is someone who has failed to learn from his mistakes with speeding FOUR times. What sort of an idiot who knows they have nine points still speeds?

He seems to not realise or not care that actions have consequences. Now he’s having to wake up to the fact that they do.

The strange part is that he said he had a look at his statement to see his outgoings and check if there was anything outrageous in there and there was nothing.

Stellar advice on here OP, keep reading it through. Hopefully you will look back and think "yes, that's when it changed for me". Move forward in your life ,there is so much more for you, the freedom from this toxicity is just the start. and a hug x

What about the school fees and ex’s rent? If fees are 1.5k a month and the rent is £400 that’s nearly 2 grand. Then loan repayments etc. That’s where the money is going - it’s not a mystery.

Divorced 3 kids, can't pay his bills, no credit rating, wants to marry you already..... 😂😂😂😂

@CrossingBoundaries007 so he is paying the ex’s full rent and asking you to help with his own bills? Might as well give your money to the ex! Just … No!!!

Apologies if this has been said already because I haven't RTFT but you cannot insure a vehicle that belongs to him (or anyone else) in your name - you have no "insurable interest" in the vehicle. You could pay his insurance for him (if you wanted to) but you cannot do something in your name. And yes I do work in insurance.

Just say that you've spoken to the insurance company and you're not able to do that as he doesn't live at the same address and then slowly wind down the contact and find someone else!

Oh, I stupidly missed the suicide reference - how tediously predictable

Then he’ll push to move in. Be careful Op

The implicit sucide threat is massively abusive, if you don't stop questioning his bullshit and don't commit insurance fraud for him.....

And you don't think this is abuse?
Seriously?
Step away from this highly manipulative man.
Why would anyone want to consider marriage to such a mess?
Talk about ruining your life and that of your child.
Unbelievable.