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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend wants me to put his car under my car insurance

441 replies

CrossingBoundaries007 · 21/06/2024 04:52

Sorry for the log post. First for the backstory I have been dating this he's really nice, kind, affectionate, not stingy etc. He has expressed a desire to to marry me. He is divorced with 3 kids.

The issue is that when we met he told me about his bad credit. I wasn't really sure why but he had some debt, so hasn't been able to get a mortgage but he is self employed (contractor) earns comfortably so he's been trying to pay it off.

The issue now is recently he's found it hard to pay his bills. He works hard but the contacts have not been as consistent and many don't pay as well as before. He's just told me he can't pay his car insurance which was really high and he can't pay his rent and he pays the rent of his ex wife ) (in full) who the children live with and he has a child in a fee private school school fees is around 7k. He never discussed his choice to put his child in private school with me he just told me after the fact and that's a big part of my he has large outgoings. He's now finding it hard to pay that also.

The insurance company have cancelled his insurance for not paying and he really needs his car to drive to work which can be very far away sometimes.

i want to help him I suggested speaking to citizens advice etc but he's suggested I put his car under my name so he can continue to drive it. He has about 12 points on his licence (speeding) and is at risk of losing his licence which he's going to court for to appeal.

I feel bad for him but what would you wise ladies do in this situation. A I being unreasonable to say no. I'm a single mum btw.

OP posts:
Angelsrose · 21/06/2024 04:58

Let him sort this out himself, you can't help him.

Rookie93 · 21/06/2024 04:58

Run

Original poster
CrossingBoundaries007 · 21/06/2024 05:02

Why shouldn't I help, stupid question i know 🙈

OP posts:
CheshireDing · 21/06/2024 05:04

I would be telling him to go and talk to his ex about the finances. If he can't afford his rent, her rent, private school etc then they need to cut back

Keep well out of it OP

BabyFedUp445 · 21/06/2024 05:05

Omg RUN

Lifesucks2024 · 21/06/2024 05:07

CrossingBoundaries007 · 21/06/2024 05:02

Why shouldn't I help, stupid question i know 🙈

Edited

Because he's relying on you early on in a relationship.
Because he is clearly a terrible driver and has 12 points on his licence.
Because he shouldn't have children in private school if he can't afford car insurance or bills.
Because it's not your problem to fix and you'll never see that money again.
Because your name will be linked to dangerous driving and your own insurance premiums could they skyrocket.
Because he's shit with money and makes poor decisions.

Eviebeans · 21/06/2024 05:09

As soon as I read “divorced with three kids” it felt like time to call it a day
you shouldn’t help because he’s looking for a place to live, someone to fund him, someone to sort his debt out
He will ruin your credit
if you do marry (of course he wants to) you won’t be able to afford to have children of your own because you’ll be so busy working to fund his other family

HomeTheatreSystem · 21/06/2024 05:10

Keep him as a bf if you must but stay well out of anything to do with finances. He's in a mess, much of which seems to be of his own making, and he'll drag you down with him. I'm sure he does say he wants to marry you, given the next thing he'll tell you is that he's going to be homeless soon and can he move in with you for a few weeks while he gets himself sorted. Months later you'll be back saying he's costing you money as he's not found anywhere he can afford and he's not regularly contributing to bills. He has disaster written all over him.

WantToMakeWorldSilkySmooth · 21/06/2024 05:11

There is supporting your other half to do better and be better, even financially sometimes and then there is being a sucker/martyr/desperate. It depends on situation.
Here you are about to fall into the second group....

You are just dating. He (and his kids) is not your financial responsibility nor are you his. Don't fall into the "carer" like so many women oddly keep doing

PJsandbiscuits · 21/06/2024 05:14

Please don’t do this.

This sounds a lot like my ex husband, the financial issues will not get better. He hasn’t explained everything to you, so you don’t have the full picture. If you are going to become financially entangled with him, you need full transparency and you don’t have it. He’s obviously made some poor decisions along the way and seems to keep doing this -having so many speeding fines is a red flag. This is something he could have clearly avoided.

And please check for gambling issues. My ex had a gambling problem that got a lot worse once I was able to prop him up financially once we married. He was very good at hiding things, initially from shame, then from a sense of entitlement.

You are not responsible for fixing his financial problems. Or even making them easier. Support him in other ways-make him dinner, have cheaper nights out. But don’t get involved at a financial level. If he has an accident, this will affect your claims history and premium.

Put you and your child first and keep your finances separate.

sleepylittlebunnies · 21/06/2024 05:18

If he has had car insurance cancelled then your insurance company may refuse to add him to your insurance. With 12 points he sounds like a liability and premiums would be sky high to match his risk. He shouldn’t be expecting you to bail him out from his very poor decision making. I would refuse to entertain the idea and suggest he looks at public transport options in readiness for a driving ban.

AgentJohnson · 21/06/2024 05:22

Noooooooooo! He has an irresponsible pattern of behaviour. Keeping his car on the road should have been his priority, that means driving responsibility and paying his insurance. He rejected your CAB suggestion because he doesn’t want advice on changing, he just wants to carry on what he’s doing and have someone else carry the can.

If you did what he asked, he'd expect more and push your boundaries until your finances were shot. If you feel you can’t say no to this man, any man for that matter, then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with one.

This man is a walking red flag.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 21/06/2024 05:26

he's suggested I put his car under my name so he can continue to drive it.

Well this is illegal for a start.

Don't get financially embroiled with him. He'll get you into debt is this really what you want for your child?

Nice, affectionate and not stingy? Well he needs to sort out his bills before he starts taking you out on dates and things. Don't be blind sided by love bombing have some sense run for the hills

YeahWhateverGoAway · 21/06/2024 05:28

Alllll of the above.

If he's had insurance cancelled it's going to be a bloody nightmare anyway. They always ask if you have had, and lots refuse to insure if that's the case. The ones that do charge hugely for it. If he couldn't afford it before, he can't afford it now, no matter how much he promises you it.

Is your child/children in private school? His are, he's picking financially to do that. If you loan him money/put him on your insurance/buy food/pay his rent, you're also paying for that choice, when you're not making it for your own children. Every penny he takes (there will be lots of them coming up as well!) will be taking money direct from you and your own kids to fund his.
Honestly. Next will be the not paying rent, can I just stay with you/I'll pay towards food/it's just a few weeks. Do not under any circumstances say yes, he will drain you and never ever move out again. Your financial stability will go to shit and you and your own kids will suffer, you'll feel bad throwing him out as he will have nowhere to go, and you'll end up with a blended family where his kids get their own space paid for by him, but your kids don't.
if you don't want to ditch him fine, but keep it casual, with zero plans of living together/marriage until he's sorted his shit out. And don't believe the promises of he will once he's in your house. He needs to do it all before that.

romdowa · 21/06/2024 05:31

First it's the insurance , then he'll come to you crying because he can't afford his rent and wants to live with you but he won't be able to afford bills ect. So you'll basically be subsidising not only him but his ex wife as kids. It has disaster written all over it

Nouvellenovel · 21/06/2024 05:35

Of course he’s kind and affectionate atm.
Lets see how he behaves when you refuse to fund his profligate lifestyle.

Seriously there is nothing to be gained from any relationship where one of the partners is bad with money.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 21/06/2024 05:36

I bet you any money he gets nasty when you say no over the car.

Floofydawg · 21/06/2024 05:37

Nope, it's fraud.

Nightowl1234 · 21/06/2024 05:41

If he’s asking you for financial favours this early in the relationship, what’s it going to be like down the line?

He is a financial mess, and will drag you down with him.

First, what he is asking is illegal.

Secondly, it will also make your own insurance more expensive.

Thirdly, even if you break up as you will forever be linked in the insurance database (which ALL insurance companies share, whether for car, travel or home insurance) with an irresponsible driver with 12 points on his licence.

Finally, if he has an accident or any more points added whilst he’s in your policy - well you’d be well and truly f*ed then. You will struggle to get reasonably priced insurance in future and will be saddled with the financial implications of this for years to come. Think of your daughter!!!

He has multiple other ways to reduce his outgoings without involving you. Starting with not paying 100% of his ex’s rent. Why can’t she contribute??

ZekeZeke · 21/06/2024 05:43

I feel bad for him but what would you wise ladies do in this situation. A I being unreasonable to say no. I'm a single mum btw
His financial issues are his, not yours.
Run a mile. The fact that you even have to ask is alarming. He is a walking red flag. Seriously OP you have yourself and a child to think of. This leech will bleed you dry financially and emotionally.
Donot a. Give him money b. Insure a car for him c. Allow him to move in. But above all, do NOT get pregnant.

uhOhOP · 21/06/2024 05:46

@CrossingBoundaries007, if he is going to court for the totting up, he might very well lose his driving licence. How then will he get to work? As others have said, first it's the car insurance, then it will be living with you, and so on, especially if he does lose his licence.

I'd say leave now, before the situation gets worse. After all, what will you say to him if he loses his licence and he asks you to sub him here and there while he looks for a new job? What if he is short next term on the child's school fees and asks you to loan him the money?

YeahWhateverGoAway · 21/06/2024 05:46

Agree with others too. How he responds to no will be telling.

all you have to say is that unfortunately with his driving history you just can't afford to be linked to him in this way.

If he says anything other than ok, and drops it. You have a massive problem.

likely he will go full charm mode, and drop in a few things about losing his job, having to drive uninsured, his kids etc for guilt.
And if that fails, he will get sulky/annoyed and start ignoring you, and saying things like you don't trust him, he only asked for help during this time and you didn't etc.

Original poster
CrossingBoundaries007 · 21/06/2024 05:46

Thanks for all your replies, he's never gambled though. I must say I could see the red flags and didn't want to say I told you so when all this happened, cos that would just be kicking someone when their down. I must say that I have lent him money in the past and he always pays back. I just felt that he could see how I managed my finances even though I earn way less and learn from it.

All along, his financial decisions worried me a lot that's one of the reasons I have not committed any further.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 21/06/2024 05:47

Enjoy a casual relationship, don't pay for things for him and definitely don't let him move in with you.

Needanewname42 · 21/06/2024 05:47

12 points I thought that was an automatic ban?
But no you don't want to be tied in any way to this guy. You put his car on your insurance what happens if he stops paying you for it? You'd be liable for his debt. It might not be as easy as cancelling the policy.

Here is a reason why he's split from his wife. Financially irresponsible, drives far too fast, what are his redeeming qualities?