To have said getting a 19 year old a brand new expensive car is ludicrous

[Liolio]

DP has a 19 year old DD, she has just finished her first year of uni at St Andrews. She is quite spoilt but we don't live together/I don't parent her, my kids are younger so I'm not experienced.
Money isn't really relevant to DP, he is from a wealthy family, his DD has a trust fund etc.
His DD is on a sports team, they play in one of the higher leges and often travel as far as Nottingham/Loughborough for fixtures. They need to take equipment etc. The way it is set up is one person can get approved to drive them all and claim millage back. The person who did it this year has now graduated so she has offered.
However she has a BMW 1 series, doesn't think it is big enough to carry all the kit. So DP has said if she decides what bigger car she wants he will get her it (separate from the rust fund!).
She is sending brand new audi's/Mercedes/BMW etc. all worth many thousands and not necessarily more practical than what she has (Think C Class/A5/3 Series).

He doesn't seem to care that it could get damaged/insurance/speed etc.

AIBU to have said this is ludicrous and she shouldn't be getting a big fancy car at 19, not because of money but safety/logic etc.

DP thinks I'm judging his parenting!

I understand that this might seem crazy to you. And you may want to have a talk about personal approaches to money, inherited wealth and wealth distribution / inequality with your DP. At least if you’re planning on being in a long term committed relationship.

But his parenting shouldn’t be why you’d start that conversation.

She needs a car and he’s willing to buy her a new one. Seems perfect and quite sensible tbh.

Accidents? New cars have more advanced safety features.
Speeding? That’s possible with any car.
I suppose theft might be a concern. But that wouldn’t be an issue due to insurance and their personal finances.

A car that’s genuinely unsuitable for its intended purpose obviously would be a waste of money. But I would trust my DP and his DD to figure that out!

Not sure why you are with him if you feel like this. What car he buys his kid is none of your business. He can afford a high end car, they're safe, it's really how she drives it that matters.

Some people have loads of money! My sister lucked out at uni. One of her friends had rich parents and bought him a house to live in, which my sister shared. His mum also hired my sister to do cleaning jobs and ironing around her house as she felt sorry for her (we had no help from our parents to fund uni). They're still really good friends now, and his mum came to my sisters wedding. I really can't resent rich people having money if they're nice. It's good to mix with all sorts without being envious - then you get to reap some of the benefits yourself if you don't have a chip on your shoulder.

You’re jealous. I get it. I have family who are incredibly wealthy while I was previously renting a room in someone’s house because I couldn’t afford an entire lease by myself.

It seems so unfair when relatives are going to private schools, driving luxury cars, going on overseas holidays, spending their weekends at their family’s beach house and then buying their first home with their trust funds.

It’s tough while I’m going to work every day and having nothing to show for it and can’t afford the dentist and medical treatment for a chronic condition then seeing them in Italy or the Hamptons.

It completely depends on the 19 year old.

Why is it any of your concern?

The managing directors I worked with did not drive cars with moss growing out the roof. They all had sports cars. Their wives drove range rovers or similar.

And that's understandable too. But it's entirely real, one MD made multi-million pound bonuses, had a big house in Notting Hill which he rented out to a Hollywood A list actress and drove an ancient Peugeot 205. The moss car man was similarly wealthy.

My last car was a RR Sport so no judgement from me (although I felt judged which is probably well deserved). But my point still stands that you wouldn't stand out or be judged in more elite circles if you weren't driving an £60k car, particularly if you're a student. Perhaps we can move onto personalised plates next?

Well he sounds loaded, and his daughter is very lucky. If he only has the one daughter, everything is going to her anyways, so why not indulge her.

Buying uni accom is not the worst investment - he can rent it out or sell it all day long.

50k is nothing if he is a multimillionaire.

She is a spoilt rich girl on daddy’s money, which can certainly grate, but isn’t unreasonable for him.

He doesn’t really sound like a partner to you - more like a man you are dating. Maybe just enjoy his company and don’t comment or judge his parenting - it has nothing to do with you. If you don’t live together and he doesn’t marry you, his finances have nothing to do with you. Unless he feels like buying you a new car too!?

No, it was the fact that he "did not slow down or steer his car as it approached a bend"

It’s simply none of your business. It’s his money (regardless of how he has come by it) and his daughter. I don’t understand why you think you have any say in it or how it affects you in any way.

And you are judging his parenting. By referring to his daughter as spoilt you are making a judgement that he has spoiled her.

You just sound very jealous. If he can afford it then it's entirely none of your business what type of car he gets. I bet if he offered you the same car, you would take it immediately.

It's perfectly normal for a teen who gets a driving licence to get a car afterwards. What type is up to the financial situation of whoever is paying for it. There is no life lesson in not having an expensive car at age 19 or whatever. If she's born into wealth then her entire life will be on that level anyway.

Lots of friends who went to private school got BMWs and Mercedes at 19-20 from their parents. It's not ludicrous within certain circles.

Buying kids who don't have much driving experience expensive new luxury cars probably isn't the best idea.

Because when you start to drive you normally prang your car a lot. And the more expensive the car the more expensive to fix. That's without mentioning the running costs and the insurance.

Plus getting something like an Audi to cram a load of sports kit in probably isn't a good idea as it is probably easy to damage the interior and its second hand value won't be great.

OTOH if you are travelling long distances on a regular basis it does pay to have something a bit chunkier than a Fiesta in case you are in a high speed smash.

Ultimately though what people choose to waste their own money on is their business.

Lots of friends who went to private school got BMWs and Mercedes at 19-20 from their parents. It's not ludicrous within certain circles.

When I was in sixth form in the 90s there were plenty of people with brand new cars including a 3 series, a Z3 and a SAAB 9-3 Cabrio.

This isn't true. My son's at Durham, as I mentioned, which is fairly high on the rich student front and he said he's never seen a student have a car like that. His friend's parents have multiple properties, including a ski chalet in the Alps and he shares a VW Polo with his brother.

Lol yes, this is typical pick me rich people behaviour. Lots of kids and parents do this on purpose because they can. Sort of like using an old iPhone with a broken screen just for the "vibe". It's actually a bit of a reverse performance for the poorer people. So they will tell their friends and family this exact anecdote and there's an illusion of "oh they're just like us".

But fast forward a few years when they have kids, homes, jobs that require more travel or the need for more space, almost every single one of them will upgrade to a BMW, Jaguar X Pace, Tesla or Mercedes without batting an eye. They won't be socialising with middle class kids anymore, they have no fear of judgement and nothing more to prove.

Because he can and he wants to.

It actually sounds like realising he had more property’s and is wealthier than you thought has put you off him. Though I don’t get why him having a few rental properties were fine, but him having more than ‘a few’ is different.

It sounds like you don’t like her as well.

I assume you won’t want to take this relationship further because you think his morals and how he got his money is distasteful?

How could you not notice his spending habits?

Most insurance companies won't insure a 19 year old as the main driver on certain cars, likely to be the case with what she's sending.

Have a check yourself and if she does get a class/high performance car then he's likely fronted it and committed insurance fraud.

Why are you with someone raising spoiled entitled brats in the first place?

Why is she a spoiled entitled brat because her reality isn’t the same as OP’s?

Would you consider her to be a better person if she pretended to be poor?

OP I don't think this relationship is going to go well; you clearly resent your DP's money and are very judgmental. This will inevitably fester and lead to breaking up unless you shift your mindset, because there is no chance he is going to dump his wealth just to suit you.

Re the uni flat, you surely can see that he has bought it initially for his daughter and her friends to live in, but once they leave St Andrews, he has a very nice investment property in a highly sought-after University town? There is no shortage of students at St Andrews who come from wealthy families who will be delighted to find and pay for high quality student accommodation. It's recurring income for the foreseeable - smart investment if you ask me. If the flat is in his DD's name then she will have that income and the start of a property portfolio of her own.

Your issue with the car is a red-herring. You basically resent and disapprove of your DP's money, his investments and how he spends his money - if it wasn't the car or the flat, it would be something else. The real question here is whether you see any future in this relationship. If you want to be with this man, then you have to accept his wealth and the fact that he is entitled to spend his money however he wants.

Why are you insulting a teenager who has a wealthy dad who loves her? There's nothing entitled or spoilt or brattish to live the life you were dealt

I think by the time you have ruled out cocklodgers, men who are rich but who earn their money by "unfair means", men whose views you don't align with politically, men who spend too much time doing hobbies/watching sport, men who like a beer with their mates, men who like collecting stuff, men who like buying their kids cars ... etc etc etc

You have reduced the dating pool to about the size of a postage stamp. And that's even if Trevor from Bristol is interested.

Apparently "there are no good men out there".

You are judging his parenting though. If it’s no financial impact to him, what does it matter? It’s only ludicrous if he can’t afford it and has to sell a kidney to get it.

Ha, this is so true!

You need to just leave the guy. You clearly resent him and his daughter and disapprove of their choices.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with buying a car if you can afford it and investing in property is sensible. You seem to think very lowly of the property rental market but we do need rental properties to be available and for that there needs to be landlords.

But she regularly has to make long journeys, the OP said. Not sure I would be considering an electric in that situation. Range anxiety and all that.

TBH round here the "I ditched the multi millionaire surgeon because he likes buying his family Mercs" would be a tough one to carry off in the pub.

I suppose it is quite a shock finding yourself this close to this kind of lifestyle.

And there are many takes on that.

Is it unfair that some people are born this rich and some are born poor? Totally yes.
Is using homes for investment part of the big problem? Yes. In the same time, it isn't a problem caused by a single person, it is a political problem (taxes, laws, ...)

While living on a budget while in college can teach a lot, it wouldn't work that well when the family is really wealthy. It would be quite strange to let the child eat pot noodles and compete for halls place/reasonable rents and needing a guarantor.

It sounds you liked him better when you didn't know about the money, but he is still the same person, isn't he?

I'd say it is ok to not know what to make of that, just observe and try to. It sound judgemental when you are mostly surprised.