To have said getting a 19 year old a brand new expensive car is ludicrous

[Liolio]

DP has a 19 year old DD, she has just finished her first year of uni at St Andrews. She is quite spoilt but we don't live together/I don't parent her, my kids are younger so I'm not experienced.
Money isn't really relevant to DP, he is from a wealthy family, his DD has a trust fund etc.
His DD is on a sports team, they play in one of the higher leges and often travel as far as Nottingham/Loughborough for fixtures. They need to take equipment etc. The way it is set up is one person can get approved to drive them all and claim millage back. The person who did it this year has now graduated so she has offered.
However she has a BMW 1 series, doesn't think it is big enough to carry all the kit. So DP has said if she decides what bigger car she wants he will get her it (separate from the rust fund!).
She is sending brand new audi's/Mercedes/BMW etc. all worth many thousands and not necessarily more practical than what she has (Think C Class/A5/3 Series).

He doesn't seem to care that it could get damaged/insurance/speed etc.

AIBU to have said this is ludicrous and she shouldn't be getting a big fancy car at 19, not because of money but safety/logic etc.

DP thinks I'm judging his parenting!

It is Tennis only between 4 and 6 can be on the team and they pretty much exclusively send 4 (4 singles, 2 doubles matches).

Fair enough. I'm with you though, we could afford to buy expensive cars for our kids but I won't on principle. The insurance is horrendous and they shouldn't have everything handed on a plate. My sons have cars but ordinary ones.

If she wants a bigger size, there's plenty of Kia and Hyundai type SUVs without needing to be a BMW or Mercedes.

We bought our son a brand new car when he passed his test at 17 and he is 36 now and we still buy him a new car every 3 years on his birthday, plus tax and insure. He is not spoilt, he works hard, owns a house and we can afford to do this, so why not.
It's our money and you can't take it with you, so would rather spend it on loved ones and charities we are passionate about.

An A class isn’t going to work here. A 3 series doesn’t have to be an M3

It’s the kind of wasteful ostentation, of expenditure over necessary spec, that I find a turnoff, but that is very much a personal subjective view.

My family background of Quakers and Methodists is deep in my outlook. Plus I see rampant consumerism as a political and environmental issue. So whereas his parenting choices are his own affair I would see this as a difference in values.

No issue with his wealth per se, but massive expensive branded flash vehicles for 19 year olds goes beyond the philosophy of ‘have nothing that you know to be of use or believe to be beautiful’, for me. As I say, personal. But relationships are built on personal values.

It’s none of your business.

It is sad that safety is a paid privilege, but from parent's point of view, if the daughter is driving around a lot and he can afford it, it makes sense to pay for a big new car.

Maybe google the booth dimensions to get some idea how it differers, so you will know whether her preference would accommodate more things or not before calling it ludicrous?

OP - your DP is clearly very wealthy but you are looking at this through the lens of a "normal" person which is ridiculous. He has plenty of money, as does she. Her life is not going to be the same as the vast bulk of the population. And in HER circles, this is normal. Some 5 year old Skoda with a huge boot would make her stand out far more.

Sure - suggest to him that a more practical car that can actually fit all the gear is a better choice, but to get all upset because it's an expensive brand new car is completely pointless.

If you have issues with his wealth and how he therefore behaves, perhaps you shouldn't be with him at all.

Not your circus
Not your monkeys

He's got the money, she sounds like she has a legitimate reason for needing a larger, more fuel efficient car.....not any of your business.

TBH I had no real idea about his wealth until lately. I knew he was well off obviously but he has a normalish job so I assumed that past the income from that, he owned a couple of properties and that was that. The reality is he owns way more properties than I'd have imagined and is somewhat ridiculous in his spending!

You are right that it's ludicrous.
You are wrong to tell DP so.

You can say what you would do in a factual manner and ecplain why, if yoir opinion is sought, without using judgemental words like ludicrous or crazy

I agree I wouldn't do that for a 19yo daughter of mine even if money was no object. The reason that insurance premiums for a 19yo driving a car like that are so high is because the insurance companies know that the risks of a disastrous crash are very high. Therefore it's in the interests of safety for ones child to choose a car which has relatively low premiums (ie a much lower power engine and lower performance specs generally) as a way of keeping my child safe. Money can't buy immunity from the laws of physics when there's a danger of a motorway crash.

His wealth/spending is making you uncomfortable you have different values to him are you able to see past that? He's not going to stop spending because you think he's spending "wrong".

You are judging him. And he obviously didn't want you to know his wealth until he got to know you.

Now you've realised it, you're coming across jealous. All this faux "it's not safe" nonsense when clearly a newer car will have better safety features is a dead giveaway. Topped off with "don't get me started with the brand new renovated flat!"

Why wouldn't he invest in property if that's what he does? Makes good financial sense. This resentment towards his daughter won't do you any favours.

I think he was wise to keep his wealth under wraps because now he can see your reaction he can make a better decision.

@Liolio the reality is that being friends with or in a relationship with someone with a huge financial differential can be difficult - the wealthy person can make all kinds of assumptions, the less wealthy one can be resentful etc etc. x1000 if one partner doesn't really approve of the other one's choices.

I used to work in in a bank. Lots of very very wealthy people, a good proportion of whom also came from wealth. Many of them were nice people and a good few genuinely had an interest in trying to make the world a better place. But they often just did not understand the reality of life for everyone else. I've lost count of the number of times I've heard comments like, "But why can't they do it, it's just £20" or "If they just worked a bit harder".

Indulging his DD is normal for him and within his means. It sounds like your circumstances are very different. Keeping in mind this is going to happen again and again, is the relationship going to work for you long term?

He’s spending what he can easily afford. I don’t understand why he should buy her a banger ‘on principle’, but then I suppose some people do think there’s a moral element to it. it’s interesting that a previous poster made mention of their Protestant background, as ime this is an attitude I’ve found to be much, much more of prevalent in countries that are culturally Protestant.

Making your kids ‘work for it’ by only providing the basics isn’t the only way to teach financial competence by any means, either.

You sound extremely judgemental and like you don't even like him. Why are you not proud of what he's achieved and happy for him and her that they don't have to struggle?

I say that as someone who gets paid less than £30k

You have no idea if he achieved anything. He could have inherited a trust fund himself.

I wouldn't be putting a 19 year old in a 3 series. We have one and they are ridiculously quick. I'm nearly 20 years older and have to be cautious by putting the speed restrictor on because if you aren't paying attention it's so easy to speed.

If he can affiord it Why not?

True and neither do you or any of us, but I'm also not judging him either way. Change my sentence to 'why are you not happy that someone you love and his daughter don't have to struggle?' and the meaning remains the same.

"if you aren't paying attention it's so easy to speed."

Erm, you should always be paying attention.

I’d advocate not learning to drive until after uni if you have to at all. There’s always hope we can bring down car use and the need for car travel. The best way would be better infrastructure and improved public transport but every little helps.

Well if it gets damaged it's insured, it will be safer, more reliable and fit for her needs.

It sounds like she's doing well both academically and in her sport, so his parenting has obviously worked well so far.

It sounds like you're jealous. Hopefully he'll ignore you and spend his money how he sees fit.

It's his child, his income and his decision. Don't get involved or stay non- committal if you can't do that.

Bite your tongue!