Stepchildren and dirty washing. AIBU?

[Lri]

I have two stepchildren aged 14 and 17. I have a great relationship with them, however, they are the first teenagers I have ever had a close relationship / close contact with, my own children are still primary / toddler aged so I am not sure if IABU.

My DH (stepchildren’s father) has always done their dirty washing. However, as he has gained a promotion recently and is a lot busier with work, he has stopped doing it. This means that often their wash baskets are overflowing and their favourite outfits aren’t washed. They have both started to complain about their washing not being done, baskets overflowing, and have said we (meaning I) should be doing their washing for them. One of them was in a strop this evening as a top they want to wear tomorrow hasn’t been washed.

I have said to my DH that they should really be doing their own washing. I was using the washer / dryer younger than they are as I didn’t want my parents touching my dirty clothes and I wanted specific things washed for specific events. DH has said he feels they are too young for such responsibility and asked if I can do it. Whilst I am a SAHM to our little ones, I really don’t want this extra task, I don’t want to be touching the teenagers dirty clothes / underwear as it doesn’t feel appropriate and I also think they are more than old enough and capable to do it themselves. I have said to DH that I will show them how to work the machine, but he is insisting they are too young.

AIBU and expecting too much?

No. 4 made me laugh 😂😂

I was washing my own clothes at 14. Your husband should do it if he wants someone to do it for them. He can just find the time after work can't he? Definitely the 17 year old should do their own. They shouldn't grow up to think it's women's work.

My 16 yr old just did a load of his washing today. Sometimes I do it for him but I've been ill and he realised it hadn't been done and he was running out of pants, so he just did it.
He did it without any fuss whatsoever because he learned how to do it a few yrs ago.
I'd teach your sdc how to do their washing then they can do it themselves or together.

Boarding school from 12 with laundry room for me and no issues... They can do their own washing they're not in the workbhouse

All this angst over how will they cope at uni if they don't start doing the laundry aged 11.
It's not exactly rocket science, you could teach a 17 year old all they need to know about washing in half an hour.

I would just say honestly how do you think your 17yo will cope at uni if their dad thinks they shouldn’t have to do any washing now?? You need to make this normal so it’s not another challenge they face next year. I’d suggest 17yo do their own and you & dh do 14yos for a year before they do their own, with the message coming from your dh. Does he want them to be overwhelmed by adulting at college? I do not have your hang ups about period blood etc, we’ve all changed pooey nappies and undies and my husband has washed period blood out of undies, I mean if you’ve had sex on your period then he’s rubbed his knob in it too so it’s pretty silly to have hang ups, and you shouldn’t pass them to the kids.

@Pritas 🤣 Yes, strangely DD (19) was able to do her own washing all year at uni, even though I generally do it at home. Although she is literally studying rocket science so perhaps that’s why. 😂

I don't think it is too much to do it for the 14 year old, but perhaps the 17 year old can start doing their own.

Old enough to do their own washing! You can ease in as a compromise if it is better for you so you don’t have the machine running constantly when half empty or wet clothes left in when they’re at school!. “SC, noticed a few times now you’ve needed something that hasn’t been washed. Could you start bringing down dirty washing on x day & put in machine - I will fill up and switch on?”

Dad can have the chat about helping more (especially with 17 yo - ‘you are about to leave home, should start doing own wash / hanging up.)

I will follow my sister’s example when kids are a bit older. 3 dirty wash baskets in utility, one for lights, one for darks, one bedding / towels. Older primary age Kids responsible for bringing their washing down and put in basket. Mum does wash. Clean clothes piled by person, kids put away in drawers. Once they hit secondary they strip own beds and mum remakes.

It’s not exactly difficult doing washing - not like it used to be, sorting and folding can be time consuming. Asking a 14 year old to look after their own laundry situation helps them learn to take responsibility for themselves - it’s a small part. And sure they can learn to do when they leave home (spend time in student halls and there’s lots that can’t do very much) but why can’t they do it before hand - why do they need to be spoon fed? With rights and freedoms come responsibilities - to learn to adult both need to happen.

My daughter has been helping me do the washing since she could walk!

Learning to do normal every day tasks independently will be useful. I was utterly bemused by the I don’t know how the washing machine works kids at uni. People who float through expecting others to do it for them. Dragging massive bin bags of dirty laundry home once a month. Honestly it’s not hard just tell him / them to organise own clothes.

I would not expect the 14 years old to do their washing, but 17 year old could.

You are being wierd about not wanting to touch their underwear. Just shove it in the machine .

Because you don't think they are capable of putting clothes in a machine and pushing a button or you don't think they should contribute to looking after themselves? Or something else? Does this only apply to washing clothes? Can they wash dishes - I'm sure they can wash themselves! Is a 14-year-old expected to do anything around the house? What's the magic age for contribution?

I think lots of parents do the washing themselves because it's easier to do it yourself than to have another battle.

Personally, I think if you're a SAHM then you can find time for two more loads a week. You don't have to iron or put away, but a simple wash and dry for now.

But whatever you decide you need to communicate it with the kids. Did anyone actually let them know that neither of you are going to do it? Of course they'll expect it to be done if that's how it's always been.

Why should she though? Of course they are old enough to do their own...it isn't difficult.

When I was a SAHM I had the time to support and encourage my kids to learn to look after themselves. It's so much quicker and easier to do it yourself...so I can see why some parents don't have time to teach and encourage their kids to learn and take responsibility for household tasks.

That's actually quite gross and shows that you don't have enough respect for your cleaner.

I didn't have to do my own washing, and I didn't got to uni but guess what? I can still use a washing machine. What an achievement Like you're entire life's success depends on whether your parents made you wash your own pants when you were 14.

In our house everyone wears pants but I might switch to everyone wearing knickers from now on, sounds much better

do you think that about people who work in laundries. Plenty of people use service washes and laundries in care homes etc they wash everyone’s clothes regardless of what part of their body they cover .

I know I’m an anomaly but I left home at 16 and had to fend for myself so I have no sympathy for teenagers who won’t do their own washing. The machine does everything for you, it’s the easiest and most straightforward chore.

I doubt you will want your bio children to wash their own clothes when they are 14. I would just wash whatever is in the basket esp seeing that you age just a sahm. Sounds like you are deliberately difficult tbh.

Maybe your parents felt you weren't ready to take responsibility for your own washing at 14, it's great that you can manage it now!

Show them how to use the machine. See if they actually do it.