Stepchildren and dirty washing. AIBU?

[Lri]

I have two stepchildren aged 14 and 17. I have a great relationship with them, however, they are the first teenagers I have ever had a close relationship / close contact with, my own children are still primary / toddler aged so I am not sure if IABU.

My DH (stepchildren’s father) has always done their dirty washing. However, as he has gained a promotion recently and is a lot busier with work, he has stopped doing it. This means that often their wash baskets are overflowing and their favourite outfits aren’t washed. They have both started to complain about their washing not being done, baskets overflowing, and have said we (meaning I) should be doing their washing for them. One of them was in a strop this evening as a top they want to wear tomorrow hasn’t been washed.

I have said to my DH that they should really be doing their own washing. I was using the washer / dryer younger than they are as I didn’t want my parents touching my dirty clothes and I wanted specific things washed for specific events. DH has said he feels they are too young for such responsibility and asked if I can do it. Whilst I am a SAHM to our little ones, I really don’t want this extra task, I don’t want to be touching the teenagers dirty clothes / underwear as it doesn’t feel appropriate and I also think they are more than old enough and capable to do it themselves. I have said to DH that I will show them how to work the machine, but he is insisting they are too young.

AIBU and expecting too much?

@Icanttakethisanymore pants/knickers/undies = universal for 'underwear' in my house, not gender specific. I'll refer to DP's underpants as knickers if the mood takes me. I know lots of people who do same (and equally, lots who do not).

I think they need to sort their own tbh, as a compromise I might say “I’ve got a dark load going in so if you have anything then put it in the machine now”

but as a rule they should be managing their own wash basket.

At the end of the day your DH can’t force you to do their washing so “sorry DH I’m not doing it, so you need to or you need to show them”. To them id say the same “sorry girls but you’re old enough to manage your own washing… I’m happy to show you but I won’t be doing it for you”

the 17 year old should be ashamed! 17 and asking her step mum to wash her undies? Ugh

It wouldn’t bother me doing their washing. I just chuck all our clothes into a wash in our house. I

But your husband is unreasonable to say that age 14 and 17 is too young to do their own washing… wtf??? 17 is nearly an adult 😂

In our house growing up if we wanted to do a wash we’d just chuck in dirty clothes in the laundry basket to make up the load if needed didn’t matter whose they were.

I think it's a bit sad, all these 11 year olds out there having to do their own washing. That does feel to me like the basics of taking care of a child. I'm not saying they can't help hang it out or put it away, but sole responsibility for it seems sad.

This is also our system. Doesn't make sense for me to each individual person in the house to do their own - not very energy/water efficient?

Everyone puts their own washing in the relevant place (darks/lights/whites/towels) then sticks a load on when the bucket is full. Then whoever is around hangs it out and takes it in and people out their own stuff away

Thinking now maybe I'm a soft touch! Just to ensure it's a full load everytime, and they have clean school uniform/sports kits I wash my teens (early/mid) clothes AS LONG as it's in their washing basket. If they've decided their room is a mess and haven't bothered putting their clothes in the basket, and suddenly want something washing, they have to do that themselves. At 17 however, I'd be inclined to be saying it's not my place anymore.

i would do it as i find it easier and it means fewer washes so it just makes sense. I don’t go looking for washing though - ill just shout im putting a white wash on has anyone got anything to go in etc. I except help with other things though and I also expect whoever is in to hang it out and bring it back in.
i find it harder if everyone is doing seperate washes. I have step children too / that bit doesn’t make any difference.

17 yr old should know how to use a washing machine.

does daddy think that university tutors teach washing machine skills?

I can’t be doing with people doing their own sep loads of washing. I just state what wash - whites, darks, delicates etc - is going in and ask if anyone has anything to add. It’s great to get a teen to learn how to wash but I’m happy to be the washing person who can be offered help or supply training. NB DH does all the cleaning.

I have students aged 16 who travelled to the UK from Sudan without parents, and are now essentially living by themselves. Your teenagers are definitely not too young to be bunging a few bits in the washing machine.

I do SDs washing with everything else. It's absolutely no issue. I'm not sure why you feel weird about putting their underwear in a machine unless they want you to hand wash it.
Having said that DSD and DDs can all use the washing machine. It's ridiculous to say they're too young. Have you asked him at what age the 17 year old will be allowed to use the washing machine?
I don't care how many hours he works. Washing isn't a long task so he can keep doing his kids clothes or get them to do it.

Too young to operate a washing machine at 14? Too spoilt more like.

Clearly they are old enough, and your husband’s whining about them being too young is ridiculous- he clearly just wants to guilt you into it. They ought to be capable.

That said, I’d do it myself, because I’m quite particular about laundry sorting and it’s much more efficient here to sort and do everyone’s washing.

As laundry is one of my least disliked chores, I’d probably agree to do it in exchange for DH/SC doing other chores (bins/ cat litter tray etc)

My teenage DC definitely does washing, and not just their own. As a family we all share most chores. My DC is generally fairly adept around the house, recently I have been roping them into cleaning one room thoroughly a week with me, so they will learn how to cope with almost anything.

We do get occasional rolled eyes or irritation about having to do it, but generally they have a sense of pride in their ability to cope with most tasks. They tend to not think very positively about others who don't/can't do chores, without a damn good reason for not doing them.

This

1. tell DH that you are not raising children, you are raising adults. 2) the best gift he can give his children are the tools to be self sufficient. 3) yes, mine did their own around 11-12. Including my son! I also did mine by 11, and that was back in 1971! 4) it’s not like they have to go down to a river and beat the clothing with rocks. It involves PUSHING A BUTTON!

He is just establishing you as the house skivvy OP.
Tell him do it himself or teach his teens.
They are old enough to do it.

I feel like if you are at home anyway then why not. Yes they are old enough but is it really such a hardship. Personally I couldn't not help them.

Both my Dc did their own washing from age 14. It stood them in good stead when they went to uni.

I don't have step-children but I do prefer to do the family wash. I think it's terribly wasteful to do it individually. They are certainly old enough to use a washing machine themselves though

However I do see your discomfort. How often are they with you?

Same here.

Of course they can do their own washing!

Having said that, I tend to do everyone’s washing, because I don’t want to waste electricity and water. If I did just my and DH’s whites, for example, I’d barely have a half load so I chuck in my teenagers’ socks too.

So for me it’s about economy. I would quietly ask them to please wash out stained items themselves as they often need soaking anyway.

🙋‍♀️ I washed my own clothes starting about 12 or 13 and family towels and linens around 8 or 9. I mean it’s not rocket science to wash clothes is it?

My mum was busy and didn’t have time to do it.

Was I some sort of child prodigy and wasn’t aware?

Lordy! I have my 2 year old helping me hang washing up.

YANBU - either your DH does it or you teach them to do it. They are plenty old enough, especially the one who is nearly an adult!!

Îd just chuck it in with the family washing. It’s not that they’re too young it’s more that they are part of the family and i wouldn’t want them to feel different especially the 14 year old. My mum never made us do washing so Îm soft like her I suppose. It didn’t stop me knowing how to use a washing machine when i had my own home but I can see how you would feel differently as you were brought up doing your own washing.