Stepchildren and dirty washing. AIBU?

[Lri]

I have two stepchildren aged 14 and 17. I have a great relationship with them, however, they are the first teenagers I have ever had a close relationship / close contact with, my own children are still primary / toddler aged so I am not sure if IABU.

My DH (stepchildren’s father) has always done their dirty washing. However, as he has gained a promotion recently and is a lot busier with work, he has stopped doing it. This means that often their wash baskets are overflowing and their favourite outfits aren’t washed. They have both started to complain about their washing not being done, baskets overflowing, and have said we (meaning I) should be doing their washing for them. One of them was in a strop this evening as a top they want to wear tomorrow hasn’t been washed.

I have said to my DH that they should really be doing their own washing. I was using the washer / dryer younger than they are as I didn’t want my parents touching my dirty clothes and I wanted specific things washed for specific events. DH has said he feels they are too young for such responsibility and asked if I can do it. Whilst I am a SAHM to our little ones, I really don’t want this extra task, I don’t want to be touching the teenagers dirty clothes / underwear as it doesn’t feel appropriate and I also think they are more than old enough and capable to do it themselves. I have said to DH that I will show them how to work the machine, but he is insisting they are too young.

AIBU and expecting too much?

I wash similar items together as I can’t afford to replace clothing /bedding which has been washed on the wrong cycle or mixed with something which runs. It’s also more efficient, as each load only uses the required water/ temperature.

No extra time needed to sort as we have multiple labelled baskets.

Sorting clean clothes takes seconds.

Looks after their two young children and saves them a fortune in childcare.

In decades of not doing finicky sorting by colour, I think I have only had one item of clothing with colour run issues.

I am happy to take my chances

I'd show them both how to operate the washing machine.

Then I'd give them a hand with using the drier but dump the dried stuff on their bed to be folded.

This was you are helping but it's minimal extra effort. It also doesn't create a backlog when you need the washing machine.

If you peg out laundry then this is firmly their job! Too long for an extra chore.

Worn pants literally are dirty though?

I don’t want to handle clothing that has got someone else’s bodily fluids on it unless I have to- and the OP doesn’t have to because they are old enough to do it themselves. I honestly can’t imagine expecting someone else to deal with my bloody pants!

@spriots I'm like that. They only time I separate colours if it's a brand new pair of jeans or something - which may run the first couple of time they're washed.
I don't do dark wash/light wash. I just wash it all together.
I mean my daughter's primary school white shirts looked a bit grey towards the end of the year but personally I think a primary school insisting on small children wearing white is ridiculous.....
(I'm anti uniform - this was my small rebellion 😂)

Putting aside whether are old enough/you did at that age/DH should do it . Why on earth would it be inappropriate for you to wash your step kid clothes???? I wash my step kids clothes (teens) and I have been since they were little. It has never occurred to me that this could be in any way wrong. I also fold and put away stuff if they are at their mums house.

I’ve also done washing for guests when they stayed with us. Including hanging it out on the line. Unless the clothes are actually covered with poo/wee/etc I don’t see how chucking them in the machine is particularly horrible. Just wash your hands after if you feel the need or wear some gloves.

You might ask the 17-year-old, or their father, if he considers all machinery handling beyond them - I'd say that rules out driving lessons. then........if he insists that he is happy to ferry them about, fair enough.

Washing your own laundry, cleaning your room, changing and laundering your own bed linen, own ironing, cleaning kitchen and bathroom, cooking.... all basic life skills.
All of which should be well instilled by mid teens. Not doing the youngsters any favours by failing to equip them in these skills long before they leave home. How will they cope if they go to uni or college, flat share etc. when they have so many other new things to deal with.
Your husbend needa to let them / make them grow up! It's called parenting!

Yes, @Inertia, we presort with separate baskets for whites, colors, towels and delicates. Then I dump in everyone’s towels together, for example.

Just Make sure they know they can use the washer whenever they want , and that they are expected to make a full load up every time they do

With Teens - you often do need to spell things out "dads not coping with the washing but you are both old enough to help out around the home so ..."

It's useful for them when they do leave home to have basic life skills

Yes, that's what I was thinking.

I'm teaching my DS12 now how to wash clothes so we often put things on together.
DD15 learned last year
I still do theirs usually otherwise the washing machine would be on permanently lol but they can do it if needed

Completely agree with your thinking. Old enough to help with household chores. Your husband might be working, but you are enabling him to work by providing childcare and probably other household tasks. You're not a laundry service. He would have to sort laundry and care himself, alongside his work, if you weren't there.

When my step son was living here, I expected him to do his own washing, he was 20. He hated doing it, so he would put everything in the washing machine and then go out. Sometimes I’d let it sit there for a day… but then if I needed to use the washing machine I had to hang his clothes up to dry - which after a day in a washing machine meant they smelt a bit musty so I’d inevitably have to wash it all again. I know it sounds petty but when you are working and they are fit and capable it’s very annoying.

Not appropriate to touch their clothes?

My boys are 13 and 9. They can change and make their beds, make simple meals and know how to use a dishwasher and the washing machine! I’ve had them helping out from an early age because we are all responsible for keeping the house clean and it’s not just a job for me or their dad, especially when we work full time and our free time is mostly taken up by their sporting commitments. We don’t have them running about like Cinderella either but when we ask them to help out, they do and know how to do different jobs. Gives them ownership and stops the entitled behaviour. My eldest lives in tracksuits and hoodies and he’s hormonally sweaty, if he has clothes that need washing he will ask if a wash is going on soon or could he put one on. It works really well for everyone.

I’m somewhere in the middle ground. If you are putting the Washing on and theirs is in the basket just do it. If they are running low on clothes or want a particular item washed they are certainly old enough to put the washing on themselves and put some of your, DH or Dc on with it.

Your DH is being an arse and your step children are being encouraged to be dependent/lazy/entitled.

I agree with Willyoujustbequiet although the 17 years old is old enough since you are a SAHM it would not hurt you to do their washing, you are being petty.

My 17 and 14 yo do not only their washing but also ours.

Too young my arse.

However, who touches the individual dirty clothes going into the washing machine? We just tip the whole basket in there, close the door and put it on. No need to handle individual items like underwear!

Personally, I’d prefer to chuck their clothes in with everyone else’s so that the machine is full. I do this with all the clothes in my house. The odd occasion my 16 year old has wanted to wash something specific she’s known to check if anything else from the rest of the family can go in with it or it’s just a waste and it pisses me off.

But no, they’re definitely not too young to use the washing machine. Your husband is being a wet wipe about that.

Ooooh I was you a few years back except I was washing their clothes from day 1, until I got fed up of being so tolerant. Nobody used to help me hang clothes or fold clothes away, so when the poop hit the fan and I exploded, the teens started washing their own stuff, ages 15 and 20.

Be aware that you will find they won't wash their clothes at all and keeping piling up, wash 1 item in a wash or over fill the washing machine AND use half a bottle of detergent AND wash the clothes for a 3 hour cycle...drove me mad too 😑

My kids are 15 and 16 and have been able to do their own washing for at least 3/4 years. For the last 18 months or so (possibly longer), they only do their washing. We will hang it out to dry if we are about and it’s finished but we don’t go to their room to get their clothes and wash them.