Stepchildren and dirty washing. AIBU?

[Lri]

I have two stepchildren aged 14 and 17. I have a great relationship with them, however, they are the first teenagers I have ever had a close relationship / close contact with, my own children are still primary / toddler aged so I am not sure if IABU.

My DH (stepchildren’s father) has always done their dirty washing. However, as he has gained a promotion recently and is a lot busier with work, he has stopped doing it. This means that often their wash baskets are overflowing and their favourite outfits aren’t washed. They have both started to complain about their washing not being done, baskets overflowing, and have said we (meaning I) should be doing their washing for them. One of them was in a strop this evening as a top they want to wear tomorrow hasn’t been washed.

I have said to my DH that they should really be doing their own washing. I was using the washer / dryer younger than they are as I didn’t want my parents touching my dirty clothes and I wanted specific things washed for specific events. DH has said he feels they are too young for such responsibility and asked if I can do it. Whilst I am a SAHM to our little ones, I really don’t want this extra task, I don’t want to be touching the teenagers dirty clothes / underwear as it doesn’t feel appropriate and I also think they are more than old enough and capable to do it themselves. I have said to DH that I will show them how to work the machine, but he is insisting they are too young.

AIBU and expecting too much?

Teens can crack on and do their own washing. Show them once or twice and then leave them to it. You DH could do it if he thinks they shouldn’t, but ultimately do not do their washing.

Does DH expect you to pick up slack for other aspects of his children’s lives?

People mention about the washing machine being half empty when on. It's not hard for them to ask if anyone has any whites/darks etc to add to the load.

Works both ways then surely? Why can she ask the children if they have any whites/darks to wash when she’s going everyone else’s washing.

Do they help generally round the house, I think that’s the big question. If they have their chores and get on well with them then you should do the whole household laundry. If they don’t lift a finger then they could take on the whole household laundry as their task to wash dry and fold. My 6 year olds job is to put the washing in and take out and hang on airer

I wouldn't expect a 14 yr old to do washing

Everything gets washed together on our house. Teens bring laundry baskets down sat morning and sort their clothes into piles on kitchen floor - light, dark, white, hand-wash, bedding then I shove the washes on and dry them. Dh usually sorts everything I to piles when dry then teems put everything away

Don't get the mortification over dirty laundry. Its laundry and it gets dirty

Laundry is one of my responsibilities in our house, I do everyone’s as I have more time to commit to it. Your DH is also old enough to do his own - do you do his washing?

We do everyone's separately and it really isn't a big deal to wait for a full load.

It varies but roughly once a week for a load each. Our washing machine is smaller than yours, 6kg but we all have considerably more than a week's worth of clothing.

I never understand why people overcomplicate the laundry by mixing up everyone's clothing and having to separate it out again into piles, seems a colossal waste of time.

As opposed to having a basket each, when full, wash, return to bedroom and put all away

Oh definitely no dispute from me there

Do they actually know how to use the washing machine? That should be part of the plan for the weekend, your DH teaching them.

I wonder what’s the age that they are not too young to wash their clothes or run the hoover round the house 🤔

Is that at 18? Magic happens when they open their eyes on their 18th birthday morning and their brain suddenly clicks into “chores” mode?

Or is it at 21? 25?

I live by myself and therefore wash only my clothes. Very rarely I have a non-full load.

That being said, even if you did was the laundry it seems like they have a bit of an attitude. They need to initiate If they want something done for them and not expect someone coming to their rooms and taking their hampers.

I can’t even tell you how sick I am of puttin my hand int he washing basket to sort a load and picking up a blood covered thong. I tell husband EVERY SINGLE TIME. It’s disgusting.

my Step kids are really here enough to warrant separate loads and I wouldn’t like the wasted water , my DH would never remeber to do it so I don’t mind chucking the odd thing in but I can’t believe they don’t rinse out the soiled underwear or at least leave it in the sink - I hate that it’s in with my things ( dirty or not!)

this is one of those situations where you can’t really win!

Quite. And presumably the op has sex with her DH on occasion so she can't find his nether reasons all that disgusting!

This is a good point. Surely a separate basket for DH's and the DSCs underwear is all that is needed.

Utterly bizarre though

DH has said he feels they are too young for such responsibility and asked if I can do it.

Goodness me, he has no idea! At 14 I was responsible for my own washing & ironing if I wanted anything specific for a particular day and so on. I was certainly expected to take my washing into the laundry and sort it into the washing baskets there.

By 17 I was living away from home at university, so totally responsible (I used to make my own clothes as well).

YANBU to refuse to do their washing.

DH has said he feels they are too young for such responsibility and asked if I can do it.

Mmm, too young to face the crippling responsibility of washing their own dirty clothes/plates. And yet one will be old enough to live independently in a year…

Hmm good point. Is knickers essentially a feminine term, I guess so.
He would definitely say pants , as would I usually, I think in this instance I said knickers in a slightly jovial light hearted manner as l hoped to convey this wasn’t a terribly serious comment!

Why not try a half way house - my DSD is 14 and I do her laundry when it is here - mainly to ensure load is full etc. however I expect them ( and my own teen) to bring washing to the machine and help to hang it up/ sort sometimes. The period blood thing is a difficult one - my DSD has been so embarrassed about leaks that she was bundling it all in the wardrobe - I haven't said anything as do not want to embarrass her so I just search for it, wash it clean (rinse it myself and vanish) and just return. I also hand wash her period swim things as she shares a bathroom with my DS. I am a nursery assistant though so I get worse jobs to do at work sometimes😂

I never made my kids do their own laundry when they lived at home, yet they’re both fully functioning, successful adults. I didn’t want the washing machine going on for half a load here and half a load there, what a waste of resources. I was at home all day, it took no more effort to do their laundry than it did mine and DH’s.

Each to their own but my teens have a full load each which they do once a week. Whites are done together.
It makes it so much easier for sorting and putting away and frees me up when they do it.
I'm happy to do it for them if they're busy with stuff and exams as we're not rigid but generally, I'm happy not to be lumbered with that job weekly.

Both my sons had a laundry bin in their bedroom from age 16. They were responsible for their own washing and ironing from that point onwards

It's not complicated. It just appears that you and others prefer to sort according to owner, I and others prefer to sort according to darks/lights/etc.

It seems that laundry is another topic like poppers in v need notice, neither way is right, but everyone has the right way for them.

I'll put my hard hat on for this but honestly in my house everybody puts the washing in the wash basket and I do the washing, it all goes in together . I genuinely don't understand this separated baskets and each doing their own. And before I'm asked yes both my kids know how to use the washing machine and how to sort laundry but it's something that I do for them .

Yes everyone does seem to have their own approach but I did want to note that I don't sort by owner, I don't have to do any sorting because everyone just has their own basket.

You are a SAHM and you don't wash your husband's underwear? What do you do?