House guests when I'm stressed

[Twix42]

Who is being unreasonable?
I am doing a really stressful full time work and uni one year postgrad. I have previous form for getting very overwhelmed etc.

This year, I have no summer hols as will be working and studying the whole time.
DH is taking our kids camping, for a week in july with family member and their kids mon-fri , I am not going, as have full time work/uni, no time off etc.

Family member wants to come back to our house for the weekend after camping to prolong their holiday.

Family member will come to us and expect meals and activities for them and their kids for whole weekend. Wil not contribute a bean, (and tbh DH will not ask for it).

I have 4000 word assignment due the following week. Which I will be v stressed out about. I don't want them to come here.

I haven't got time, my studies are for 1 important year, I can't be organised and do everything.

DH knows having them to stay will put me under pressure with my work/uni but still wants them to come, he won't want to say no. He's kind.

DH says its up to me, but I will get the guilt trip if I say no.

It will be me doing all the prep/shopping/cooking etc if they come.

AIBU ? I feel I can't do everything.. its crap but its just this one year. I have to get through my postgrad, that takes priority to me.
Thanks for reading!

Hotel or friends for the weekend.

Just say no. He’s said it’s up to you, so say no absolutely not. Ignore the guilt tripping as you don’t have time for it. You don’t have time for anything except work and studies right now.

I don’t understand why pp are falling over themselves suggesting ways around it to accommodate a selfish, lazy family member. It’s so much easier to say an immediate and clear no.

If hubby is inviting them then he needs to step up and feed/entertain/clean. Do they know what you've got on your plate???

JUST. SAY. NO.
🤷

Why doesn’t your DH and kids say to family member, that THEY want to extend their holiday for the weekend instead, and ask to stay with family member (saying that you are under stress with assignment work and need house to yourself that w/end). If fam member desperately wants to prolong time with your dh that is (but we all know they want waiting on all weekend!!). Then I bet family member will suddenly ‘remember’ they are actually doing something that weekend, if they are faced with hosting themselves!

Ok I'm going to say what I've been thinking since the start of this thread.

Perhaps starting an intensive one year course when you have young DCs and a history of getting overwhelmed is not a sensible course of action.

Not being able to drop your studies for a few days holidays with your young DCs or not visiting your DPs for six months ( unless you don't want to) doesn't feel right even for an intensive course.

Not seeming appreciative of the fact that your spouse is taking the DCs away so you have a full Monday- Friday to do the essay that is already causing angst - can it not be started earlier, rather than having a self fulfilling prophecy that it will stressful ?

Look I absolutely don't think OP should lift a finger for this visit if it goes ahead, but I feel somewhat sorry for the DH and DCs who might actually enjoy having their relatives to stay, when being at home seems to mostly revolve around the OPs studying needs.

As I have said before if the roles were reversed and the OP was the one taking the DCs solo camping and then wanted her Dsis and dCs to stay for a couple of nights, then I believe responses would be very different.

As someone who fully understands this pressure, I am doing a PhD while workinb and worked all through my undergrad and masters. I'd personally book time off work that week they are sway and the weekend they plan to visit, and book myself a hotel or Airbnb somewhere nice I can relax and write/study while also resting and recharging. Honestly the time away will make a world of difference. Especially if you are like me and enjoy procrastinating, it's easy to get distracted at home while in a new place you will feel more encouraged to focus.

I agree with every word of this.

We often see "it's your home not the office". This applies here too.

I’d ask my husband if he’s comfortable saying:
”it’s a lovely idea all of us prolonging the holiday but we absolutely aren’t able to do it at ours so how about we all come to yours instead. It would actually really help us out and I’ll share the BBQ cooking with you”?

Do an online Sainsbury’s order to arrive when they arrive.
take yourself to a friends house for the days they are at your house , you need to concentrate and study in peace.

This is a good idea OP
and no YANBU.
Be brave and ask a friend for study space that whole weekend.
Good luck with your PhD Doc 🤞

I agree with previous poster who said you need to have a bit of balance. I. Have done a post grad and full time work and still carved out time for plenty downtime. Take AL for a day to get organised if you need. But this is part of your family’s holiday too. You’ve missed the rest of it. St least join in for the weekend. Use it to be ahead of your submission. It shouldn’t be so aiming you so completely that you can’t take weekends out here and there.

You need a break but a whole weekend the week before due date is a big ask.

just reply and state “I’m really sorry I’m in my post-grad year and the following week is my submission deadline so let’s look to do this once my studies are complete, but right now I just need to focus on that as my priority so will be studying that weekend hence me not coming camping”.

sane and reasonable people will think “cool, no worries”.

This really doesn’t need to be a big deal. If you feel guilty over that perhaps look into wider coping strategies if you get overwhelmed easily?

If I was in your shoes I wouldn't want visitors either, it is just another thing to add to your already overloaded stress bucket. Not sure why so many posters are thinking up so many ways to make this work when the OP doesn't want this visitor to come. Suggesting she move out of her home for the week is equally ridiculous. When I was studying I would not have wanted the disruption and distraction of visitors staying and I wouldn't have wanted to move out of my home to go and study elsewhere. Why are women expected to be such people pleasers? The bottom line is it does not work for you OP, it isn't the right time, so do not feel guilty about saying no, and make it clear that this will be the same for the forseeable - strictly no visitors until your course is finished. If your DH wants to continue his trip then they can all go and stay with his family member and leave you in peace for another weekend. That is the only sensible solution.

Say "oh that will be lovely! Thank you so much for offering to stay and take over the cooking/cleaning/etc while I'm finishing that huge assignment!" and watch them suddenly realize they definitely have somewhere else they need to be

Hi, why don’t you agree but make it clear you will not have the time to be host/very sociable and therefore they will have to be self sufficient from start to finish. If he can’t step up then say sorry, but not this time.

Book yourself into a hotel for that weekend,leave DH to look after the guests and the children.xx