House guests when I'm stressed

[Twix42]

Who is being unreasonable?
I am doing a really stressful full time work and uni one year postgrad. I have previous form for getting very overwhelmed etc.

This year, I have no summer hols as will be working and studying the whole time.
DH is taking our kids camping, for a week in july with family member and their kids mon-fri , I am not going, as have full time work/uni, no time off etc.

Family member wants to come back to our house for the weekend after camping to prolong their holiday.

Family member will come to us and expect meals and activities for them and their kids for whole weekend. Wil not contribute a bean, (and tbh DH will not ask for it).

I have 4000 word assignment due the following week. Which I will be v stressed out about. I don't want them to come here.

I haven't got time, my studies are for 1 important year, I can't be organised and do everything.

DH knows having them to stay will put me under pressure with my work/uni but still wants them to come, he won't want to say no. He's kind.

DH says its up to me, but I will get the guilt trip if I say no.

It will be me doing all the prep/shopping/cooking etc if they come.

AIBU ? I feel I can't do everything.. its crap but its just this one year. I have to get through my postgrad, that takes priority to me.
Thanks for reading!

My tuppence worth...

• your husband isn't 'kind' - he is prioritizing his relatives over you.
• however, you need to manage your studies and commitments more effectively - it shouldn't dominate your life to the exclusion of everything else, so do the assignment while they're away (it's only 4000 words!), book a one-off cleaner, get easy to prepare food delivered. And let your kind husband do the hosting, childcare, cooking, daily tidy-up... etc.
• enjoy a weekend that is focused on people rather than your academic goals.

All those saying 'ah just spend some time blitzing the house before they come'..
Should the husband not 'blitz' the place before he leaves? I doubt that op on her own is going to cause much chaos, and any tidying before they come is going to be undone when 2 families return with a weeks worth of camping mess! Is it his brother? Wonder if they'll conviently turn up with a weeks worth of washing and mess that you could just 'pop in to the machine for them.. just when you get a chance.' 🙄

'

For those saying "it's only a weekend",

My postgrad is work related, I'm stilll working full time and the course I'm doing is well known to be a very stressful year.
I told DH before I started that this year would be hard and lots of sacrifices would need to be made.

I haven't seen my parents since Christmas, but this will be the 3rd time we've seen his family since then.

Tell him 'no fucking way' and if he ignores you do not lift a fucking finger.

don't feel guilty at all about saying no. Your dh is not kind, he is suiting himself and his family. Learn to put yourself first. If dh is so eager to see his family, he can invite himself over to his brother's for the weekend.

TBF to DH he's taking the kids away for a week and leaving you alone so you can get on with work.
So I think a compromise where you say sure they can come for 2 nights or whatever shouldn't be that big a deal. Get takeout or some throw in the oven ready meal type thing for food.

Who will make you feel guilty? Your DH or the guests? Just say no. Your DH is being unreasonable to expect them to stay and leave all the preparations to you.

How do you think he is "kind"? I think the word you want is weak

I agree with this, even when very overwhelmed and stressed, you have to 'give' a little. A year is a long time for your 'thing' to determine everything.

oh no it happens in real life!

Absolutely not OP.
Stand your ground and tell your husband to cop on.
No way would I have them to stay, AGAIN.
In fact I would tell my husband if he pushes it, I will vacate the house and stay in a cheap hotel for the weekend to get my assignments done.
He is welcome to come home with them from camping and organise snd host them himself.
Fxxk that in short.
I would be so pissed off at the suggestion and would be very verbal on the matter.

Just text them and say the weekend is to much on you to stay, your busy with your post grad & work but you hope they have the best week away together and you'll have them to stay once you've finished your studies.

It will be me doing all the prep/shopping/cooking etc if they come.

He needs to make up beds before they go.

Make a couple of meals to freeze. Or freeze some microwave meals.

Order an online delivery.

Be warned that you won't be available to clean up the inevitable aftermath.

Your job will be to mean it. Don't get involved.

It will be me doing all the prep/shopping/cooking etc if they come.

Why would you have to cook all weekend because he is camping the week before? I don’t get that.

Family member wants to come back to our house for the weekend after camping to prolong their holiday.Family member will come to us and expect meals and activities for them and their kids for whole weekend. Wil not contribute a bean

Family member sounds like an arse and your DH is being spineless!

I would text whoever it is (I’m presuming it’s his sister?!) and say, ‘Bob says you want to come back here and stay after camping-sorry, that’s just not possible this year with my postgrad course. They can come back to yours for the weekend if you wanted more time together though’

The end.

It will be me doing all the prep/shopping/cooking etc if they come.

Why?
If you were going on the camping trip with them then this would have to be done in advance or when you got back or online or something, so there is no reason why your DH cannot take care of this himself.

From one point of view if the family member has helped entertain the kids for a week then it would be a nice thing to have them for a weekend. But it is on your DH to sort this out. Just make it completely clear that you won't have time for this.

Won't it help a bit that you will have had a whole week child free beforehand so can probably get more done in the evenings?

You will have had the whole week alone before these people are supposed to be coming. All you need to do to 'prepare' is order some extra food and change some bed linen. Your DH can sort the rest. You don't even need to cook an evening meal - you can order a takeaway, or ask your guests to order it. It doesn't matter what they 'expect' - they get what they're given. If they want 'activities' then they can go off with your DH and the kids while you stay at home, if you feel you must. Your DH will have spent five days coping with activities and cooking and so on while camping, so I'm sure he can cope with this stuff in his own home as well. You don't have to martyr yourself.

They're going to arrive Friday afternoon/evening and presumably will be going home on the Sunday afternoon/evening. It's really not that big a deal and it is not sustainable never to take a single weekend off from study. Other people balance this stuff with family life. If you're too stressed to lay on 'activities' and cook meals and so on, that's fine - simply don't do that. People can come to stay without you doing all that stuff, you know. You're making this into a much bigger deal than it is.

DH doesn't sound very kind - not to you, anyway...

I'd say Yes

BUT you stay elsewhere. So he can have the relative over as he wants but can also do all the work. He can also cover the cost of you staying at a hotel for a week so you can concentrate on your work. Bet he changes his mind then once he realises all the prepping/cooking/hosting will be on him.

Your h is being a dick not to say that it’s not possible then but they can come in the autumn or other convenient time.

If your h won’t say no then he needs to do all of the work hosting and you need to priori your assignment.

Our family asks us all the time if they can stay with us. I don't see it as them being rude, but wanting to catch up with us which I view ( possibly the only person on Mumsnet) as being a good thing, although 2/3 nights is generally the maximum I enjoy it for.

If it's really so stressful I like the idea someone had of suggesting it happens before camping not after. Then you're not running into deadlines.

But it seems a bit unfair that the entire family have to put their life on hold for your commitment, particularly when you can just leave them to it and study elsewhere.

It should be a no brainer. Sounds like the problem is actually the reaction you’ll get from DP. Why is he not protecting your needs?

Why should op go to a hotel/her parents/air b&b? Maybe she wants to see her dc and spend some time with them after a week away without guests. There's no need for dh relly to 'extend their holiday' at your place when you're frazzled and on the point of what sounds like burnout.

If you don't want them to come, just say no. They'll have had a whole week together so no need to prolong the holiday.

Coming home from camping, they’ll be arriving with a shedload of stuff to unpack and a week’s worth of washing!

Why can’t they go to the family relative’s house to ‘extend the holiday’ @Twix42 ?!

This in spades