House guests when I'm stressed

[Twix42]

Who is being unreasonable?
I am doing a really stressful full time work and uni one year postgrad. I have previous form for getting very overwhelmed etc.

This year, I have no summer hols as will be working and studying the whole time.
DH is taking our kids camping, for a week in july with family member and their kids mon-fri , I am not going, as have full time work/uni, no time off etc.

Family member wants to come back to our house for the weekend after camping to prolong their holiday.

Family member will come to us and expect meals and activities for them and their kids for whole weekend. Wil not contribute a bean, (and tbh DH will not ask for it).

I have 4000 word assignment due the following week. Which I will be v stressed out about. I don't want them to come here.

I haven't got time, my studies are for 1 important year, I can't be organised and do everything.

DH knows having them to stay will put me under pressure with my work/uni but still wants them to come, he won't want to say no. He's kind.

DH says its up to me, but I will get the guilt trip if I say no.

It will be me doing all the prep/shopping/cooking etc if they come.

AIBU ? I feel I can't do everything.. its crap but its just this one year. I have to get through my postgrad, that takes priority to me.
Thanks for reading!

I think you need to go on the camping trip. You need a BREAK! 💔

its just this one year. I have to get through my postgrad, that takes priority to me.

Its so sad that your DH and family aren't supporting you. Its not much to ask.

I agree with @Cooliomayn 100%, @Twix42.

You need to say a firm NO to your dh, because your studies must come first. I would hope he doesn't insist - but if he does, could you decamp to a Premier Inn for the weekend, and work there in peace, leaving him to do all the hosting?

I'm sure this has been asked / answered (haven't read everything) but can you say to your DH, that's fine as long as you do all the catering?

I actually think your being a bit selfish towards your husband.
He is giving you a week alone.
Your going to have to get the family shop in anyway.
Tell your husband this.
Take away on the night they arrive.
Or do baked potatoes, roast chicken and salad. Ask for help. Do not be affraid.
As you will want to see your children anyway.
They can go out to the pub for a meal on Saturday, or do a BBQ. As the men always cook that, use paper plates and cups and bin it all afterwards, send everyone else to go shop for it.
As said go to the library if you need quiet to study.

Well, you cant prep food, tidy etc
So if they come you will have to say
BTW, I WONT BE COOKING,SHOPPING,TIDYING. so you will have to work it out with H,
& then go to a library, or work space

Can you find yourself an air b and b or a house sit or even a hotel stay so you can get out of there and work in peace? That also means they will have to look after themselves!

I'm not sure everything can go on hold because you are stressed - that's not fair on anyone....

Talk to your DH about who does what and set some time for you to enjoy yourself and for you to take yourself off somewhere to work.

Fair enough if you don't want visitors but please reconsider shutting yourself away for the entire summer and not seeing your kids at all during their school break. That doesn't seem very fair. Even if it is just a couple of days.

I give you express permission to say no without a shred of guilt!

Op you sound stressed and completely exhausted. For this reason alone your dh should have said refused the visit.

Your dh should be backing you on this op. He needs to be kind to YOU first and for most.

Tell DH he can stay with relative for a long weekend after the camping trip. He can get the washing done & camping stuff dried & sorted before he comes back with the kids.

You will then have completed & handed in your uni stuff & can enjoy the following weekend with your children rather than dealing with a mountain of washing whilst DH "disappears" to sort out the camping stuff.

YANBU - just say no not possible this time but when my study is over would love to have you to stay. If you're direct and don't waver or be unsure it's often accepted much more readily. You're too busy so that's that - no need to feel guilty.

Are you doing PGCE op?
Or a masters?

Say no to them...

Can you do any of thr 4000 w earlier? Or is it dependant on other stuff you're learning now?

Then don't feel guilty at all. They don't for dumping on you, just say next time and put it out of your mind.

Just take yourself off somewhere quiet for the weekend where you can work. Presumably your husband will be fine with this, and doing all the organising/prep for hosting his family himself.

Why do none of you think about the fact that a week of alone time this near an exam should be ample, organise yourself get the work finished and then welcome your children home.

Either say no, perfectly reasonable in the circumstances.
Or say yes and go elsewhere while they are there so you can concentrate on your study, which might not be a bad idea anyway.

Just say no. The studying is the perfect reason.

If they want to prolong their holiday, they can all spend another two days camping and leave you in peace.

I also get stressed by hosting, and am learning to set my boundaries. I do enjoy it for short times with the right guests, when I have time to prepare the house. But not after a busy work week when everything's chaos, or with a guest who is picky about things.

As much as I'd like to be a "sure, anyone can stay whenever" person, there's no point pretending to be and then being grumpy with my guests!

Easy text
“Hi Xxxx, so sorry, any other weekend would be fine but this weekend is when it’s all happening for my course/exam and stress levels will be at a maximum. I’ll need a quiet house to get through it so I’m sorry, but we’ll have you over another time when it’s all done and I won’t be so stressed”

Your DH is not kind, he's weak and is volunteering your time and headspace so that HE can seem nice.

Two options:

1. Say no.
2. Say yes but you book yourself into a Holiday Inn so you can study in peace.

My DH is doing a masters while working full time right now. People really underestimate the amount of effort involved in doing this at the same time as working full time. I would not dream of doing this to DH, especially around a time he has big deadlines. He needs the weekend to study but also have some downtime.

It's such a short amount of time in the scheme of things.

I said YANBU, because I would say the same! However, I think the third option is that you say yes, but state very clearly to the family member that you won’t be able to play host at all because of your work commitments, so they will need to sort themselves out for food and activities and the house won’t be clean when they arrive. Set the expectations really, really low and then follow through on that. If your DH has a sense of shame about the state of the house or the shopping, he’ll go out and do it himself! If not, so be it.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, was one of my mother's favourite sayings. So do make time to do something other than work and study and you'll find it helps both work & study.

I suggest, having taken advantage of no kids no DH to really get up-to-date with your studies, that you prioritise getting a freezer full of ready cooked portion meals for one for the week they're all off. Simply cook an extra portion of a meal you're doing in the weeks beforehand, label and freeze it. Then you'll save yourself masses of time with no cooking as such while they're away.

Make sure you timetable a proper plan of what you're going to do for your studying, and for research and planning as well as at least some writing of your essay, also plan in time out for a walk or two.

Take 24 hours off when they come back, allow relative to stay on the understanding DH is responsible for holiday laundry and bedding laundry from the stay over.
Go out for a couple of meals or get a takeaway, and that just leaves 1 x breakfast for your guest which you can delegate to DH.

Perfectly do-able, speak to any student who is in 40hrs plus work around uni studies.

I’m 😒 by all these posters who suggest on threads like these: “just decamp to an AirBnB / hotel / Premier Inn for the week”

I save hard all year to afford 7 nights camping for me & kids. That’s our holiday. Not everyone has the money to fling at the problem of an unwanted houseguest by “just taking themselves off to a local AirBnB”

MN really makes me feel like I live on a different planet sometimes 😞