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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

House guests when I'm stressed

192 replies

Twix42 · 20/06/2024 07:55

Who is being unreasonable?
I am doing a really stressful full time work and uni one year postgrad. I have previous form for getting very overwhelmed etc.

This year, I have no summer hols as will be working and studying the whole time.
DH is taking our kids camping, for a week in july with family member and their kids mon-fri , I am not going, as have full time work/uni, no time off etc.

Family member wants to come back to our house for the weekend after camping to prolong their holiday.

Family member will come to us and expect meals and activities for them and their kids for whole weekend. Wil not contribute a bean, (and tbh DH will not ask for it).

I have 4000 word assignment due the following week. Which I will be v stressed out about. I don't want them to come here.

I haven't got time, my studies are for 1 important year, I can't be organised and do everything.

DH knows having them to stay will put me under pressure with my work/uni but still wants them to come, he won't want to say no. He's kind.

DH says its up to me, but I will get the guilt trip if I say no.

It will be me doing all the prep/shopping/cooking etc if they come.

AIBU ? I feel I can't do everything.. its crap but its just this one year. I have to get through my postgrad, that takes priority to me.
Thanks for reading!

OP posts:
79Beastie · 21/06/2024 01:22

Yeah sure they can come but I'm going to a BNB for the weekend. Good luck and enjoy yourself. That's what I would do

piningforautumn · 21/06/2024 01:40

DH is not being very kind to his wife. He's seeing his family for a week; surely that's enough, this time!

I'd refuse to be made to feel guilty.

RawBloomers · 21/06/2024 02:01

You really don’t need to feel guilty. Say no and each time you get that niggling guilty feeling, think back to how relieved you felt when you realised they wouldn’t definitely not be coming because you’d said no. Think about how much easier the weekend is going to be because they won’t be there. think about how pleased you’re going to be when you get your qualification.

Practice this - the thinking about the benefits of saying no instead of the guilt people try and push on you - and it will get easier and make it easier for you to be less of a push over in other aspects of your life too.

Beautiful3 · 21/06/2024 06:11

Just say, "sorry not this year because of my post grad. We can do something next year for sure."

willowtolive · 21/06/2024 08:43

Definitely just say no and don't feel any guilt about it. At times you have to put your self first and this is one

ChaoticCrumble · 21/06/2024 10:49

Weirdly, I'm not in the position I usually am on this one. If my DH took the kids away for a whole week so I could study/be on my own, I'd be incredibly grateful and happy to have a couple of busier days in return afterwards.

However if you know you will still need this additional time you just have to say it's for this year only and you won't be able to do it.

Noddedoffagain · 21/06/2024 12:16

ChaoticCrumble · 21/06/2024 10:49

Weirdly, I'm not in the position I usually am on this one. If my DH took the kids away for a whole week so I could study/be on my own, I'd be incredibly grateful and happy to have a couple of busier days in return afterwards.

However if you know you will still need this additional time you just have to say it's for this year only and you won't be able to do it.

I read it that she’s working rather than studying.

PashaMinaMio · 21/06/2024 12:21

PicaK · 20/06/2024 08:02

There's no reason you have to do the prep. Go out to the library.

Yep!
Go to the library or some other space for peace and quiet. Can you go into your office?
Your future is very important. Just clear off.

ZenNudist · 21/06/2024 12:21

If your DH wants them over he can sort it. He can clean and sort out before he goes, you wont mess it up on your own and out at work. He can Make up beds, washing after, set the online food shop to arrive for when they get back. Cook. Clean up. It's only 2 days. I do see that you'd look rude to not join them when they are back.

stayathomer · 21/06/2024 12:29

Azandme
I say this as someone who works full time and is also doing my second 1 year post grad and is also a senior training lead.

You will burn yourself out if you don't take a break.

Taking a weekend in the summer for fun and activities with your kids and family is healthy. What you are describing isn't.

They will have just been away for a week - get the assignment done then.

I have a 4000 word essay due 3 days after we fly to Spain so will submit early. The weekend before I'm taking DD to an event in Edinburgh.

You really shouldn't need to be doing so much study that you can't spare a weekend. It's not healthy or sustainable. And for a postgrad it seems far too intense.

Definitely this- you say ‘only a year’- you can’t go full throttle for a year!! Also the kids will have been away- they’ll appreciate you being in on some summer fun as opposed to them coming home and you still being holed up. You need some form of a summer, to have fun and the kids need to enjoy the summer with their mum (I’d say the same with a dad working by the way before anyone hops on me!!).

Ee1498 · 24/06/2024 09:48

If he wants them to stay and won't say no, I'd say, fine. I'll book myself into a hotel for the weekend to focus on my assignment. You can get on with it.
If he gets annoyed then he recognizes what work it will entail to have them there and I'd ask why he thinks its reasonable for you to take that on when he knows you have other commitments that weekend?

JWhipple · 24/06/2024 09:55

Stay somewhere else for the weekend. Family, friends, even a cheap hotel.
Whilst I get people saying you need a break from study, spend time with the kids it won't be like that when they've all appeared after a week's camping. It will be ridiculous amounts of laundry, on top of the usual household stuff and be expected to be pleasant to guests who you didn't invite.

No. The guests either don't come or you go off for a couple of nights until they're gone.

Why can't they all go to their house anyway?

Proudtobeanortherner · 24/06/2024 10:11

Twix42 · 20/06/2024 07:55

Who is being unreasonable?
I am doing a really stressful full time work and uni one year postgrad. I have previous form for getting very overwhelmed etc.

This year, I have no summer hols as will be working and studying the whole time.
DH is taking our kids camping, for a week in july with family member and their kids mon-fri , I am not going, as have full time work/uni, no time off etc.

Family member wants to come back to our house for the weekend after camping to prolong their holiday.

Family member will come to us and expect meals and activities for them and their kids for whole weekend. Wil not contribute a bean, (and tbh DH will not ask for it).

I have 4000 word assignment due the following week. Which I will be v stressed out about. I don't want them to come here.

I haven't got time, my studies are for 1 important year, I can't be organised and do everything.

DH knows having them to stay will put me under pressure with my work/uni but still wants them to come, he won't want to say no. He's kind.

DH says its up to me, but I will get the guilt trip if I say no.

It will be me doing all the prep/shopping/cooking etc if they come.

AIBU ? I feel I can't do everything.. its crap but its just this one year. I have to get through my postgrad, that takes priority to me.
Thanks for reading!

He’s not kind; he’s very selfish. It’s one year and he should have just said “no” to them. The only way that I would have considered it when was in your position was if he promised to do everything and I knew I could trust him to keep that promise.

Cliedi · 24/06/2024 10:21

Just say to DH ‘you know I love your family but the thought of visitors that weekend is making me feel really stressed so I’m going to have to say no. I really just need to concentrate on my studies, it’s only for another 3 months so I’d appreciate your back up here’

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 24/06/2024 10:34

I suspect this is more a case of you don't really like them (it sounds reasonable too if they don't contribute, and you have to organise fun and meals for them). I did a post grad and worked full time, it really wasn't that bad and a 4000 word essay when you have a week to yourself and have a long lead in is very do-able. If you just don't want them there then that's fine, own it and just tell them its not ok that weekend! If it genuinely is purely the study that you're worried about you can go to a friends/parents/library for the weekend. If they're camping he can still go to the shops for food for the weekend or order online for when they're home, he doesn't need you to do it (but I suspect this isn't the really reason you don't want them visiting, you just don't want them there and you're looking forward to having your family back to yourself after 5 days away). Either that, or your husbands a bit incompetent and needs you to host but that's a whole other issue!

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 24/06/2024 11:04

Sounds like your husband likes to be 'kind' to everyone but you. Leaving the decision to you is a dick move, not to mention expecting you to do all the heavy lifting as well. Please don't agree to any of it. You may be made to feel guilty (completely undeservedly) by your 'kind' husband, but it's better than being horribly stressed and resentful.

Mostlyoblivious · 24/06/2024 11:08

“he won't want to say no. He's kind.

DH says its up to me, but I will get the guilt trip if I say no.”

Perhaps tell him to extend this kindness to you on this occassion

LilyofftheValley · 24/06/2024 11:12

Not read full post but could you compromise slightly and say that you will cook something for when they return, providing DH has done the online shopping. Then after that first meal, they're on their own and you will be tucked away in your study.

Justmyopinionbut · 24/06/2024 11:25

Can you let them come, but you go away? Could you go to an air BnB or hotel and have some peace and quiet and then they could continue the holiday and all fend for themselves? A change of scenery sometimes helps clear the mind too! Good luck with it all x

Mrsgus · 24/06/2024 11:36

Perhaps it's your hubby's way of trying to get you to take a weekend off from work/study to spend some family time together as you aren't going on the camping holiday 🤷‍♀️
I remember when I was in uni with a 7 and 4 year old, p/t work and hubby running his own business working long hours. Looking back, the pressure I put on myself was ridiculous because I felt I had to do it all and couldn't take time out. In fact I could and should have!!
You do sound like you are overthinking and stressing about it before it even happens. I'd get the essay done while they are away but delegate entertaining to the hubby. If you cannot afford takeout or a meal out then do an online food shop of pizza and garlic breads and quick and easy meals which do not require prepping, just need popping in the airfryer/oven. You can even get the kids to muck in if they are old enough by making lunch, sandwiches, wraps etc
If none of that is possible then just say NO, not this time!

CutthroatDruTheViolent · 24/06/2024 12:43

Just say no sorry, it's really not convenient?

They're already getting a holiday and you're not, it's not outrageous to decline to host them for an even longer break.

SabihaN · 24/06/2024 13:32

Either say No, or say it's up to him but you'll be booking yourself a nice hotel for a couple of night so you can focus on your work as having guests will be too disruptive. He wants them there, he can do the prep work before he goes camping and sort meals out in the freezer etc beforehand. He can do the clean up after camping and guests too. Don't be roped into that either!

Caroparo52 · 24/06/2024 13:53

The a answer is NO.
I have an extremely busy schedule that weekend with strict deadlines and unfortunately need to lock myself in the study to study to pass my exams to further my career to feed my family and pay the mortgage. Having anyone else around will be distracting with noise and bussle let alone stressful worrying about you all food wise and activities.
It has to be another time when my schedule is clear and this hugely important time has passed. If I don't pass then it will mean a career stagnation and resits all over again in a year's time which is very disappointing and financially crippling. So I know you will understand the situation and I look forward to planning a mutually convenient weekend another time.

NoThanksymm · 24/06/2024 14:32

Naw you are being totally unreasonable. You have a whole week off from mom and wife duties. Use that to catch up, get that assignment finished early. Then enjoy your family for two days.

or use that week to catch up. Then feed your family pizza and tacos. Drop them off at a local Rec center and continue studying.

if it’s his family then make sure the house is clean, and he can either order groceries online or give you a list /meal plan. Let them cook, you don’t have to entertain. Maybe enjoy your kids a bit.

it sounds like you decided to overload yourself and are neglecting partner/parent/child duties. If this masters is related you should’ve had some conversations with work about support! They often pay for it or give you time. And/or dragged it out over two years to balance better.
And it’s a masters and you already have a job - this is pass fail. And how many times has someone been asked for their university transcripts? 0 among my friends- and that’s engineering/science.

so anyway. You’re taking out your stress on the wrong aspect of your life. And it sounds like your husband is being really good about it. I hope it’s worth it in the end, but know you’re taking advantage of your family for personal gain. This could’ve been done and planned better on your end.

and freaking have your (that you haven’t seen since Christmas) family over!

Poddledoddle · 24/06/2024 15:20

Azandme · 20/06/2024 08:03

I say this as someone who works full time and is also doing my second 1 year post grad and is also a senior training lead.

You will burn yourself out if you don't take a break.

Taking a weekend in the summer for fun and activities with your kids and family is healthy. What you are describing isn't.

They will have just been away for a week - get the assignment done then.

I have a 4000 word essay due 3 days after we fly to Spain so will submit early. The weekend before I'm taking DD to an event in Edinburgh.

You really shouldn't need to be doing so much study that you can't spare a weekend. It's not healthy or sustainable. And for a postgrad it seems far too intense.

Edited

Doing all the donkey work for extended family is not taking a break.

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