House guests when I'm stressed

[Twix42]

Who is being unreasonable?
I am doing a really stressful full time work and uni one year postgrad. I have previous form for getting very overwhelmed etc.

This year, I have no summer hols as will be working and studying the whole time.
DH is taking our kids camping, for a week in july with family member and their kids mon-fri , I am not going, as have full time work/uni, no time off etc.

Family member wants to come back to our house for the weekend after camping to prolong their holiday.

Family member will come to us and expect meals and activities for them and their kids for whole weekend. Wil not contribute a bean, (and tbh DH will not ask for it).

I have 4000 word assignment due the following week. Which I will be v stressed out about. I don't want them to come here.

I haven't got time, my studies are for 1 important year, I can't be organised and do everything.

DH knows having them to stay will put me under pressure with my work/uni but still wants them to come, he won't want to say no. He's kind.

DH says its up to me, but I will get the guilt trip if I say no.

It will be me doing all the prep/shopping/cooking etc if they come.

AIBU ? I feel I can't do everything.. its crap but its just this one year. I have to get through my postgrad, that takes priority to me.
Thanks for reading!

Having relatives to stay after theyve already been on holiday is not normal life

Their whole life isn't on hold, its one weekend. And they've been on holiday...

@Poddledoddle OP says she hasn't seen her family- which presumably includes the DCs seeing their DGPs - since Christmas. That feels very much like putting their life on hold. It's been six months which is a long time for a young DC or an elderly person not to see each other.

On the staying at their house. We had one set of DHs relatives stay in April, another one a couple of weekends ago - we were actually away so it was more a place to stay - and another set coming in July. They know they are always welcome at our house so I don't think it's rude that they ask to come. I do very little other than change the bedding.

"You're very welcome to have them stay dear. I'll make sure to keep the house as tidy as you left it while you're away, and I'll book myself a weekend in the Travelodge. In fact I think that will be better than them not coming as they can help you entertaining the kids and I'll have complete peace and quiet to finish my assignment"

No, no just no. You set your stall out that you would be busy. You aren’t even getting a holiday this year

Just say you’re very sorry but you’ve an essay to complete that week so don’t have the time to coordinate a visit.

When did you start this year? Was it Sept or Jan?

I'd be finding a study space out of the house if DH pushes this and taking yourself away.

But really if he just wants to blame you rather than say no himself I'd let him, though I'd think less of him for it - it still achieves the same aim.

I'm quite shocked by how many people are saying OP should get a hotel or an Airbnb or just got to the library.

I'd say no. You won't enjoy it, you a absolutely will have to help/organize cos let's face women always do, it will be stressful at a time you want to focus and you are not wrong for prioritising yourself.

I would make it absolutely clear now that you cannot host or help with the visit in any way, that is on DH. Then I’d book myself a hotel for 2 nights and work and study from there while they have full reign of the house.
Having said that, it sounds very intense not being able to spare a weekend for a whole year, and I really hope you feel it’s going to be worth it.

But just because OP is a woman doesn't mean she needs to do anything and also doesn't mean that we should all support her.

It sounds like the DH and the DCs would enjoy spending more time with this relative and her DCs who presumably has travelled some distance to spend time together.

I still say if the OP was a man the responses would be very different.

I absolutely am not saying she has to because she is a woman. Though I am pretty certain that the majority of women in this predicament would end up getting involved. Nor am I saying that we should take her side because she is a woman.

I am saying it's nonsense that women are constantly told to put their needs and wants secondary to others and it's bullshit. If a man was asking a group of men this, he absolutely would get very different responses.

OP is very clear in that she wants to say no but feels the consequence will just be a guilt trip she shouldn't have to feel that way.

Your not being unreasonable, but if he wants then to stay, he has to be prepared to do all the entertaining, and if he it's prepared to do that and still insists on them coming I would find myself alternative quarters for working that weekend either a hotel for the night or two or find somewhere you can go during the day, granted you shouldn't have to buy your removing yourself from getting dressing into cooking etc. Maybe when you tell DH you will be elsewhere if they come to get work done he will realise it's not a good time

Stay out of the arrangements altogether.

To get yourself peace and quiet book yourself a hotel/ Airbnb, stay with an understanding friend/relative, spend all day in the library while lazy family members are at your place.

I know you'd rather be in your own home.

partner duties? Personal gain? WTF? It’s her partner’s duty to support her studies, it’s not her duty to cook and clean for him and entertain his guests. Her career advancement will help them all. Woukd you say that to a man? Are you from the 1950s sent to us from the past?

We see my in-laws once a year due to distance. It’s fine. Not everyone has regular contact with extended family. Sometimes the relationships are toxic and less or no contact is better. I don’t think we can make a judgement on that.

They can go to the shop on the way back. Or get takeaway the first night and go to the shops on Saturday. Tell your OH you are too busy, if he wants them he can organise. Grow a spine.

*DH knows having them to stay will put me under pressure with my work/uni but still wants them to come, he won't want to say no. He's kind.

DH says it's up to me, but I will get the guilt trip if I say no.*

Passing the decision to you then laying on the guilt trip if you say no is not kind. I have a DP like this. He likes to make the big gestures, but doesn't always consider how they might affect me, which they almost always do. And sometimes when I explain my position and he agrees that it's not fair on me, he changes the plan, but then complains about it later, making me feel terrible. It has caused a lot of problems between us over the years.

Why is your DH not being kind to you, his spouse who has said ‘I don’t want this.’

I agree with pp that you need a break for family times and to find a balance. But hosting when you feel overwhelmed isn’t a break. Be kind to yourself, say ‘no’.

I bet it is your in laws? Some tiresome.

Tell DH he’s in charge.
leave in the morning early and go to the library or uni. Come back late or book yourself into a premier inn (sounds bliss!) for the night. Absolutely prioritise yourself, the visit can happen but you can remove yourself from it.

Alternatively go to your mums, a friend, etc

No

Would love to but I can't

Gosh I wish I uttered those words last year
Working at home and had to entertain cousins for two fcking weeks of sheer hell

I still don't think I'm over it

Plus it rained every day bar one evening of sunshine and the wife did nothing but moan
Aghhhhhhhhhh

I am so mindful now and always check if it's ok to stay with friend ONE NIGHT MAX

If you are at home all week you can calm down and get the assignment done (4k is not that long). Tell guests they cannot stay. But it sounds as if you could do with a holiday! DH could try being kind to you rather than friend.

DH says it's up to me, but I will get the guilt trip if I say no.

This is not right. If he is kind, he should start being kind to you. He should step up and say no himself, not push onto you.

I'm sorry that he is not stepping up.

Dig deep, get in touch with your anger and say a flat no with no guilty feels. I promise you it's the right thing to do.

Any chance of you renting a little place or a caravan, where you can quietly study?

Have them stay, but you go away for the weekend- cheap hotel. No thinking about them, you can work on your essay and get a change of scenery?