House guests when I'm stressed

[Twix42]

Who is being unreasonable?
I am doing a really stressful full time work and uni one year postgrad. I have previous form for getting very overwhelmed etc.

This year, I have no summer hols as will be working and studying the whole time.
DH is taking our kids camping, for a week in july with family member and their kids mon-fri , I am not going, as have full time work/uni, no time off etc.

Family member wants to come back to our house for the weekend after camping to prolong their holiday.

Family member will come to us and expect meals and activities for them and their kids for whole weekend. Wil not contribute a bean, (and tbh DH will not ask for it).

I have 4000 word assignment due the following week. Which I will be v stressed out about. I don't want them to come here.

I haven't got time, my studies are for 1 important year, I can't be organised and do everything.

DH knows having them to stay will put me under pressure with my work/uni but still wants them to come, he won't want to say no. He's kind.

DH says its up to me, but I will get the guilt trip if I say no.

It will be me doing all the prep/shopping/cooking etc if they come.

AIBU ? I feel I can't do everything.. its crap but its just this one year. I have to get through my postgrad, that takes priority to me.
Thanks for reading!

On return *

I’m coming to the end of a two year post grad and have declined multiple things when I’m on deadline. I just say I have a uni assignment deadline so need to keep the weekend completely free.

Can you get your assignment done during the week you're on your own? It would be good to get a study/life balance and have some family time - just as long as you aren't doing the prep. A whole weekend is two days.

No, tell DH you'd not expect him to take on extra if he had as much on his plate as you do so it's a bit unfair he's even asked.

If you do cave and say yes then make it very clear you won't be cleaning before arrival, cooking it shopping and he and his relative (sibling?) are expected to pitch in and make life as easy as possible for you for the weekend without addijg any stress. and the relative needs to agree to that before coming

Or, they can come, pack away the tent or dry it out, do the washing etc, and you book an airbnb to meet your deadline.

This, or even a Premier Inn or something? Peace, quiet to study and write! And bathroom to yourself!

Just say no!

And if you don't feel you can't say no, say to your DH that you can't facilitate anything as you need to focus on your assignment so EVERYTHING (planning, prep - which he can do before they go camping, doing everything while they are here, clean up) is on him.

If he agrees you need to say to family member that you won't be around/available that weekend as you have a strict deadline and need to focus, but you are sure they will have a lovely time with DH hosting them.

"No. That can't happen I'm afraid, it's the weekend before my final project needs to be in and I'm going to need complete focus on that and a quiet house.

We'd love to have you visit when things are less stressful. I know you'll understand why we have to decline, because you're so supportive and you want me to do well. Enjoy the camping!"

Let them come.
Move into a hotel/airbnb for a week and let you DH do all the running around and catering for this person.

While it would be really good if you could organise your workload / submit your assignment early and take a weekend off, I get that , if the very thought of that is stressful for you then you just say to your husband that you cannot participate in this planned weekend.

And, I agree with others, a husband that is ‘kind’ to others at the cost of his wife’s stress levels, is not a kind man.

Either say no, because you've got too much on, or allow them to come but make it clear you will not be able to do anything for them. You do not need to prepare meals for them or anyone else, they can buy a pizza or something if they're tired after camping.

But that's their lookout.
What would this relative and your DH do if you were on holiday with them? There would be no-one doing any prep for the visit.
If you DH is going to guilt trip you if you say no, then sorry, but you also have DH problem

Beds, cleaning, linen, constant interruptions, lost evening going out - why should she?
I certainly wouldn’t give a stuff about seeing nieces and nephews when there’s much more important priorities.

DH is being a bit of an asshole always wanting to be the nice guy - at the expense of your studies, your commitments and your mental health and happiness. So I give you permission to be cured of the disease of people pleasing - even if just for a month. Say NO and follow that up with, its not up for discussion, you know perfectly well all the reasons why and quite frankly Im disappointed in you for even suggesting or considering it knowing that I need your support at this time. Why are you more comfortable compromising this important time for me, rather than telling your family member no? Let me be clear, NO. If you want to extend the holiday then stay on an extra couple of days with them at the holiday spot. In fact I would welcome the added peace and quiet. But they are NOT coming back here and if you try to raise this again or guilt trip me, I will take it as a clear indication of your loyalty and priorities.

I think it's a bit mean to turn them down - and it's your DH's house too- but equally, a bit much that you would take it upon yourself or be expected to do everything to prep, entertain, etc. I think there is a gendered dimension to this, my ex loved inviting people to stay, which was cue for me to do lots of cleaning, bed changing, shopping, etc. Looking back, I should have just left him to get on with it and take us as they find us. Or not gone quite so far in creating this perfect situation for guests. There is a middle ground here, maybe you spend an evening blitzing the saluting bits of the house before they come and buying a few bits to have the first evening. Beds could be stripped but sheets left for people to make up beds themselves. That's it, anything that happens after they arrive is your husbands problem. And you engage with them as much or as little as you like.

Just say “no” and asap. In my experience any avoiding the decision or discussing it longer would lead to you saying “yes” because : he hinted on this already/ they are looking forward to it/ children are saying something etc etc
You do need a break but not this type when you have extra tasks- you need a relaxing break. Whatever people are saying it won’t be relaxing for you. You can’t just disappear into nowhere when they come it will be more rude. And you probably will be stressed about state of the house, availability of food, planning activities, money issue etc etc. it’s easier to say “no” now and only to be stressed about this one thing for a bit.
By the way are you sure that your “no” won’t turn into yes from DH during this week of camping? You know this line : “Oh it’s so nice for us all to be together let’s give it a few more days . I’m sure Twix will understand.”

Tell them DH knows that you are up to your eyeballs in work, so you can't host houseguests.

Tell them you feel a bit bad you've been put in this position because he knows full well that he should have been clear that they can't stay with you.

Then very hard Paddington stare at DH.

No one is going to be i0set if you say no sorry I have a major deadline.

An alternative is to offer them the weekend before the holiday, as long as your husband is aware that you will be studying the whole time and he has to do everything (sort and wash bedding, meal plan and cook, tidying ans cleaning, sorting activities)

get DH to organise a grocery delivery to arrive after they return from camping, and book a hotel/ go stay with family / friends and leave him to deal with the relatives.

Sorry, but why is it down to you to do all the prep. Just say to your partner, they can come if he sorts everything and leave them to it.

Can't they just come and you leave them to it ?

DH organises an online shop, they make their own beds up and come up with an itinerary and you give DH a strict budget so they either do cheap activities and DH pays or they split costs.

Decamp to a library or coffee shop. I get you need to write your dissertation but normal life shouldn't stop entirely.

what will feel worse,

(1) saying no, feeling bad, DH guilt trip or;
(2) saying yes and hosting house guests when you are overwhelmed

picking option 1 is short term harder but (2) will feel worse and impact you more

noone died from being told no

You tell hi. They are welcome to come but that you have work to do and will be booking into a holiday inn for the weekends if they come so that you can get on with your assignment. Be clear you will not be prepping beds or cooking and cleaning for visitors

Your husband isn't kind if he's expecting you to do all this while you're under pressure.

And to PPs saying 'you can spare a weekend' - sure you can miss the odd weekend- but do it for something you enjoy, something that fills your cup and sustains you.

Don't waste your previous little time off doing chores for freeloading extended family!

Tell your husband it's a no-go this year. If they want to extend their holiday they should stay in the woods.

I despair at all the women on here saying their husbands are 'nice/kind/generous' when the man is volunteering HIS WIFE'S LABOUR for the benefit of others (usually their own family of origin).

He can be nice/kind/generous with his own energy and time- not yours.

He can fuck right off with his guilt trip as well.