House guests when I'm stressed

[Twix42]

Who is being unreasonable?
I am doing a really stressful full time work and uni one year postgrad. I have previous form for getting very overwhelmed etc.

This year, I have no summer hols as will be working and studying the whole time.
DH is taking our kids camping, for a week in july with family member and their kids mon-fri , I am not going, as have full time work/uni, no time off etc.

Family member wants to come back to our house for the weekend after camping to prolong their holiday.

Family member will come to us and expect meals and activities for them and their kids for whole weekend. Wil not contribute a bean, (and tbh DH will not ask for it).

I have 4000 word assignment due the following week. Which I will be v stressed out about. I don't want them to come here.

I haven't got time, my studies are for 1 important year, I can't be organised and do everything.

DH knows having them to stay will put me under pressure with my work/uni but still wants them to come, he won't want to say no. He's kind.

DH says its up to me, but I will get the guilt trip if I say no.

It will be me doing all the prep/shopping/cooking etc if they come.

AIBU ? I feel I can't do everything.. its crap but its just this one year. I have to get through my postgrad, that takes priority to me.
Thanks for reading!

Couldn't your DH extent the camping by a couple of days, that way you get peace the whole weekend. No matter how busy you are the DC will want to see you when they get home and I can't see you getting much peace for studying when everyone's home, visitors or not

Honestly I'd nip this in the bud utterly by sending a being breezy text saying.
Gang are really looking forward to break etc dh mentioned you were hoping to prolong your holiday by staying with us for weekend following but unfortunately we can't associate this time as that is house lockdown weekend for me as I have deadlines for loads of work. Another time when this is behind me .
Sorry to me missing the hol. Am sure yell have a great time .

This thread just shows how still in 2024 the woman is expected to own all the household tasks, done if these replies are depressing.

Why are people saying - bulk cook and freeze in the week they are away, delegate tasks to DH?

It's simple, if DH wants this person back for the weekend he makes sure he is prepped before he goes and has a plan for food. He should only be asking the OP if it's okay due to noise/disruption etc NOT because he expects her to do everything (which it sounds like he does).

I was going to say that I'd give the OK if the DH was doing everything, however given he's already sulking I'd say no because he's clearly just be pestering the OP all the time.

The OP works full time, is studying abs had 2 children fgs!

I would arrange to be away- or go to the library or a friends to study - I would not under any circumstances do food etc - let Dh get a chippy each night. Just explain you are too busy.

If your husband is kind then he can be kind to you and tell his family they can't come on this occasion. I would die on this hill.

When I read that a husband is kind, lovely, laid back etc on MN I have come to believe it is code for selfish lazy arsehole who suits himself.
Usually married to passive worn out women who carry the load on their own.
Consistent with the type of arsehole who would have family visiting and doing nothing for the third time this year.

These are not good men.
They are just married to passive women with low self-esteem who tolerate their bullshit selfishness.

I think it is perfectly reasonable to say

No, I'm sorry but that really doesn't work for me. I have a HUGE assignment due the following week and will be working all weekend. I really can't have guests. It's bad timing I know but just need to get through this year and it will all be over [bright smile, firm tone of voice].

Then suggest to DH they extend the camping or go to his family [until September]

YANBU.

Your DH is also not kind - he's a people pleaser for everyone except his wife. Anybody with half a brain cell would know that you don't invite house guests with DC the weekend before a massive assignment is due.

Those saying oh just get DH to organise everything. I couldn't deal with extra DC in the house, a lazy entitled family member who won't lift a finger, while also trying to do an assignment. Also, you shouldn't have to leave the comfort of your own home and stay elsewhere just because your DH is too weak and pathetic to say no to his relative. Why can't he prioritise you?

It would be a firm no, relative will not be visiting.

Good luck on the assignment, OP. It's a lot of sacrifice for a short while but you'll get through it,

If they want to prolong the holiday then why don’t they actually prolong the holiday and extend the camping booking into the weekend.

You don't need to do any prep. If your DH wants to bring his family member and their DC, he can take charge. He could clean the house and get provisions in before he goes if he is so inclined.

I would check into a an aparthotel, go to a friends or house sit and get in with your essay.

I'm still quite concerned for your wellbeing OP.

I am a training manager, I regularly support staff doing very stressful jobs and HE study including Bachelors, Masters, PGCEs, and Doctorates.

You are describing a level of stress, and a workload (full weeks AND weekends, no time with kids in holidays etc) that would significantly concern me in terms of wellbeing. The demands seem unacceptable and I'm amazed any organisation is allowing such levels of pressure. With really heavy courses we opt for two year provision because such a volume isn't sustainable or healthy for you, or your family.

What would your work say if you requested a two year programme?

I'm working all through the summer too, plus plenty of reading and revision for a postgrad degree that starts in September. No way will I be hosting any uninvited houseguests! Although in your case, I expect DH invited them, knowing you'd have to do the hosting. Definitely put your foot down.

"Next year's project for you - work on saying no without guilt."

Or work on having a family member to say for the weekend without making a big deal out of it? Presumably because they've been camping you have to shop anyway? Shop- then dp cooks and entertains. Having them there will mean your kids leave you alone.

I wonder what the responses would be if it was a DH rather than a DW as the OP.

Or posted from the other pov "My DP has an intensive year, they are studying for a post graduate in one year as well as working ft. In order that the DCs can have a holiday and DP has some solo studying time I'm taking the DCs camping with my sibling and their cousins.

The cousins love spending time together and Dsib has asked if they can come to ours for a couple of nights at the end. I'd love them to come but DP says it's too stressful as an essay needs to be completed, even though I'm happy to do all the preparation for their visit."

id book into a nice hotel and leave them to it

Do you think that having a house full of another family and their kids as well as her own kids sounds like a stress free atmosphere in which @Twix42 can complete an important 4000 word assignment, @CurlewKate? Especially as the other family will expect to be entertained and won’t contribute a bean.

The OP’s plate is already over-full and she doesn’t have the bandwidth to cope with the organising she would have to do - even if that is just doing the shopping.

Just say no. No sorry not at the moment.

Just say no and ignore any guilt tripping. Your husband is not kind if he guilt trips and would expect you to shop, prepare, cook, etc for guests when he knows you don’t want to. So say no and stick to it.

Honestly, you are making this hard on yourself.

Just tell him he can do what he likes but you won't be hosting or engaging with guests. If you have to, shut yourself in your room and let them get on with it.

He doesn't feel guilty, his family doesn't feel guilty, no-one needs to feel guilty.

Either say a point blank no, or book yourself into a hotel for the weekend (or try universityrooms.com or similar).

You have two choices. You either live with guilt or you live with resentment. The guilt will dissipate pretty quickly and no one will remember you saying no. The resentment will reside in you for a long time and no one else will be effected.

Saying no isn’t selfish. It’s selfist. You matter too. Your needs matter too.

You are not on this planet to serve others.

Send then a text (and this is the text I wish I’d sent in a similar situation;

Dear friend,

Im sorry I won’t get to see you on the camping trip. I’m working full time and doing a postgrad course this year so I have no time off at all. It would be lovely to see you and the kids the weekend after but I just can’t have visitors at the moment. I’m pretty stressed out as I’ve got so much to do. I’ve got an assignment due in that I’ll need to be working on. So sad not to see you but hopefully it won’t be too long.

Or just ‘Sorry I can’t host you all after the camping trip but hope to see you soon.’

There is rightly a clear gendered difference.

Wrongly, it is women who are blamed for performing hosting and other social niceties poorly, not the men.

Whenever my MIL doesn't like her gift- she moans about how awful I am. When our house is untidy, the same. When we don't have the type of soda they like in, how thoughtless - of ME.

Never mind her son lives here as well, works far fewer hours and they are his family not mine.

Id tell them to F off and not visit OP. And I'm from a culture that honours guests!
Expected to be entertained for free is selfish. You're not their servant. Or Centreparcs.
Unless this person saved one of your lives or something they can piss off.

Also I can't believe all the nice polite messages being suggested by the wet wipes on here. Life's too short to be nice to CFs

You have a DH problem.
Why are you with this prince among men who doesn't work to full capacity or defend you?
My MIL knows full well that my husband's family is his business. Also that if she opens her mouth to complain about me, she'll get short shrift from her son.