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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Didn’t do big shop - am I in the wrong?

234 replies

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 21:21

Boyfriend came home from work on Sunday evening, with food. He got some mayo out of the fridge and asked why I didn’t buy more. He said, ‘it’s not fair actually’. He was acting off. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, but I assumed it was because I hadn’t gone food shopping that weekend, and that he must have felt that I was not contributing my share. I went to my banking app, to check and I had spent about 70 on food shopping at the start of the week, and so I showed him. He assumed that I had gone shopping. He said that I am ‘a very independent person’ and I never want to do things together. That I should have texted him when I was shopping to ask if he wanted anything. He said he always texts me and says ‘darling do we need anything’? And that I never think of him, never ask him what he wants and that said that ‘I don’t give a fuck about him’, and stormed off to sleep separately, which he does the majority of the time. I was shocked and bewildered. I had not gone food shopping. I had spent the majority of the weekend painting the hallway and staircase, so it’s not like I was sat on my arse all weekend. I resent the fact that he assigns me little jobs on the weekend, (for example he suggested that I get a sponge and tackle the limescale in the toilet before he left for work on Sunday morning – I told him to get fucked I have plans). He works every weekend. I am off every weekend. On his days off he goes on road trips, climbing with friends, daytrips etc. He doesn’t help with housework on his free days. He leaves his stuff everywhere, I think intentionally, to piss me off.During the weekends I like to do bits of DIY, small jobs on the house. He has never helped me with any DIY, and that’s fine, I have never asked him for help with any of this and would not expect him to spend his time off painting or whatnot. But I feel like this is something that he resents, like he wants me to need him or something. Anyways, I tried to talk to him today after two days of basically ignoring each other. I asked him why he is so angry with me. He refused to discuss anything related to the argument, asked if I wanted to come with him on his road trip. I told him first I wanted to resolve things, I didn’t want to be in the car with him when he was angry with me as sometimes his driving becomes scary. I tried to discuss what happened at the weekend. He shut me down, refused to engage on the topic, walked away from me, said that I was being dramatic, called me an actress when I started crying, said shut up talking to him in that little victim voice. We tried to talk for half an hour or so, eventually he got so frustrated with me he punched a door. I locked myself in my room, at this point. I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
Roseyjane · 20/06/2024 12:10

I’m actually not sure I agree you’re in a dv situation, I think you’re in a toxic one of both your making.

Gillbil · 20/06/2024 12:14

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 08:16

Thanks for the responses and your kind concern. I honestly feel very, very shocked. I never discuss these stupid arguments with friends because they are always over the most ridiculous things and get wildly overblown and quite frankly it’s embarrassing. To have myself perceived as a victim of domestic abuse is absolutely shocking to me. It’s a strange one. Sometimes it’s hard to see the wood for the trees.

To have him call me dramatic and crazy when we argue and to minimize my feelings makes me second guess myself.

But I don’t see myself as a victim at all. I am the instigator of most arguments. I give as good as I get and I never back down from the argument (until things are punched) and i’m not afraid to speak my mind and in general.

And there are shades of grey. No one is all bad and if that were the case it would be so easy to just say get out of my life.

He is not a bad person. He is not violent. He would never cheat. And honestly he does love me, in truth much more than I love him, which has always made me feel guilty. He deserves better than me.

I just find it so difficult to relate to his way of thinking and his way of communicating, and for him its the same. He doesn’t understand my logic. Its just a toxic situation thats difficult for me to resolve. I don’t want to hurt him. And I want him to be alright and happy.

.....he is violent. He's just not physically with his abuse.

Yes it's terrible when ppl have terrible childhoods, and very unfair..... but that's what therapy is for.
Anyone who hides behind their abuse by saying how hard they have it so don't leave, and do what I tell you- are shit heads.
Also he could be lying about the horrors of their childhood, to get away with the horrors he inflicts.

Maybe you won't have a biological child, but you can adopt, foster. Your age isn't stopping you from having a family.
But he is, if by your own words you wouldn't bring a child into this world with this man..
I think you should look at the Freedom project, and look at support irl
LTB goodluck

Edit to add-
When someone doesn't punch your body, but will punch things near you, its a form of intimidation, and self protection so he can't be arrested.

Also how often do you instigate arguments when your waiting in line at the checkout, or instigate an argument with you friends during a relaxing meetup?!
If no to either- You are not instigating anything! Your boundaries were violated and you reacted.
Its normal-The same thing happens when someone touches something extremely hot, like fire, your body will flinch away.
Don't suppress this, see it and allow yourself to realise the guy is a danger to you

Mylovelygreendress · 20/06/2024 12:18

@Bearwithgreenhair
Seriously ??
Speechless.

ImNotReallySpartacus · 20/06/2024 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

I'm inclined to agree. You are 42, not 22. You are not married to this man, he is not your tenant, you can kick him out if you choose to.

Eviebeans · 20/06/2024 12:26

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 22:10

I can’t really leave, its my apartment, so I would have to ask him to leave. This makes me feel sad and guilty, as there is very little to rent in the town where I live. Its quite a pickle. Also I don’t think he would actually go even if I did ask him to.

The punching/kicking of things is not that regular. And its only when things really blow up. I honestly, honestly don’t think he would ever hurt me. When he does these things he walks away from me to a different room. Its not like a threatening gesture, its an outlet for his frustration I guess. Its just momentarily that it freaks me out and I leave the situation.

I felt very sad when I started reading this and by the end felt very angry on your behalf
He sounds awful- as if he is using you - for housing etc
He’s absolutely taking the piss when he causes damage to your property- he is doing that to scare you and make you back down.

do you love him- do you feel loved by him?
you think he wouldn’t hit you - don’t test that theory
it is not your responsibility to make sure he is housed - don’t ask him to leave tell him

caringcarer · 20/06/2024 12:29

Normal men don't go around punching doors or sulking like a child for days on end. He sounds vile and controlling. Bin him off and look for a nice man who wants to share his future with you.

fromhellsheartistabatthee · 20/06/2024 12:29

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 10:55

As I said above, I am not.

If you are serious about having a child and you want to do it in a supportive, safe, non-abusive relationship, you don't have unlimited time to waste in a relationship that is none of these things.

Lucytheloose · 20/06/2024 12:40

The punching and kicking of things is not that regular

It shouldn't be happening at all! And in most relationships, it doesn't.

YourWildAmberSloth · 20/06/2024 12:49

Do not stay with him and do not bring a child into this mess. You can have him forcibly removed if need be, he will find somewhere else to live and if he doesn't, that is not your problem. This relationship has so many red flags and warning signs, you really need to leave, spend some time alone working on yourself with counselling. You deserve better.

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 13:01

Thanks all.

Shocked by the responses. I think I will maybe try to speak to a therapist about things. There are shades of grey and there is nuance in every situation, that obviously can’t be conveyed in a couple of posts on here. He is not an out and out villain. We are both toxic in our behaviors at times. He obviously does have a lot of good traits otherwise I wouldn’t be here.

And to the person who posted about me sounding annoying (post removed), in a way I agree, I can be a total f’ing nightmare.

OP posts:
Staringatthewalljustmeagain · 20/06/2024 13:09

I hope you wake up to the truth soon OP, but before he hits you and blames you for it.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 20/06/2024 13:15

Take your blinkers off, and see it for what it is
Stop making excuses for him and his behaviour

He may not be an out and out villain - no one said he is

BUT

he is violent

AND

he WILL HIT YOU

Thelnebriati · 20/06/2024 13:36

@TheShyRoseZebra Listen up - its not that he is an out an out villain. Its that there are enough red flags that its time to stop ignoring them.

His behaviour is confusing - he accuses you of never wanting to do anything together but on his days off he goes on road trips, climbing with friends, daytrips etc. and he sleeps separately.
He makes you scared by aggressively driving.
He punches things (displaced aggression).
He does things intentionally to piss you off then shuts you down when you talk about how you feel.
When you get frustrated and start to cry he belittles you.

He isn't making you feel good. He makes you feel confused. Scared. And like you can't get rid of him.

LividLove · 20/06/2024 13:41

I had a husband like this. Also shocked to hear from others that he was abusive. I was trying to fix him and he was having a hard time and blah blah.

Honestly, being out of it was such a relief.

Re having a family. If you haven't had one with him by 42 then it isn't happening that way.

Biologically, you have a tiny chance of getting pregnant NOW with your own eggs. Ditch the violent man, find a sperm donor through a clinic and have your own baby. Realistically they'll advise you use donor eggs at 42, which will give you approx a 50% chance of success per cycle.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 20/06/2024 13:49

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 08:44

I don’t know 😔

I am 42. I guess the realisation that this relationship was probably my last chance to have a baby is hard to deal with. Its hard to break up and be single and to accept that I missed my chance and its all been my own fault. Its easier to bury head in sand for a while. I know that this makes absolutely no logical sense whatsoever.

Christ, PLEASE don't have a child with this person - you'll be repeating your own childhood for them.

greencartbluecart · 20/06/2024 13:51

He's well and truely got you hasn't he, you thinking he's as much a problem as you

You are not punching things

He is not trying to fix things

He's not doubting himself and accepting responsibility for his words and their effect on you whilst you blame yourself for his response to you

Oh this is so hard for you - yes speak to others - you will gradually accept this and be ready to move on ( and up !)

J0S · 20/06/2024 13:55

Please read this book OP, it’s free online here or you can buy it on Amazon .

https://archive.org/details/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/mode/2up

This will explain lots of things you are confused about, like why your partner “ loses control “ and punches the wall, why he gives you a list of chores to do on your day off, why his driving is scary, why he often sleeps in the other room.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 20/06/2024 14:11

You say he's punched a door, drives dangerously bullies and mocks you
Get rid He is dangerous and is heading towards physical violence
They always do, trust me on that

taylorswift1989 · 20/06/2024 15:22

He is not an out and out villain.

He doesn't have to be. The stereotype of a violent, abusive man being a thug who is 24/7 horrible is just that - a stereotype.

Abusive and violent men, when they're not being abusive and violent, might be loving, kind, fun to be with, witty, intelligent and so on. It's just a mask they wear, to draw you in and keep you in a relationship.

But none of that is enough to stop the effects of violence and abuse on your body and mind.

He's highly likely to hit you. I have no idea why you're so confident that he won't. He has no problem showing you he's violent, no problem scaring you, no problem disrespecting you. What's going to stop him from hitting you?

CheeseSandwichRiskAssessment · 20/06/2024 16:29

Just because he's not literally the worst man in the world doesn't mean you should stay with him. He's still a bad guy.

getsomehelp · 20/06/2024 16:49

Don't worry about throwing him out he can go & sleep on one if his multiple climbing/road trip/free spirited mate's sofa
Ditch the idiot.

Whothefuckdoesthat · 20/06/2024 16:54

He is not a bad person Good men don’t frighten their partners because they can’t control their anger. He is not violent Err, yes he is. He might not be hitting you yet, but he is violent. He would never cheat That’s the bare minimum. He doesn’t get credit for that. And honestly he does love me, in truth much more than I love him, which has always made me feel guilty. He deserves better than me What he deserves is a night in a police cell the next time he kicks off.

I was very afraid of my father and his angry outbursts and never knowing what would prompt them. He was very belittling and scary, but never violent Are you seeing any similarities between your mum’s relationship with your dad and your relationship with your DP. Because it seems very clear to me that you have chosen your dad in another body to be your partner. Lots of women do it. I certainly have. And I didn’t even recognise it.

So I know what it is to live in fear. This is not the same for me. I don’t feel afraid living with him. Well no, because you’re an adult now and you were a child then. I don’t suppose your mum felt afraid of living with your dad. After all, he was never violent, was he?

He reminds me how he lived with that in his life as a kid and he would never do that Well he is doing exactly that, isn’t he? He’s making you frightened with his rage. And I know you’ve said you won’t be having a child with him, but if you did, they would be just as scared of him as you were of your dad. And so the cycle repeats itself.

Please don’t let this go. If you do, I promise you that you will wake up one day and realise that you have turned into your mum and you are living your mum’s life. Do it now before he wears you down into getting pregnant or getting married and you’re too frightened to leave him because it will mean leaving your child with him, where you can’t protect them, and losing half your home.

AllThePotatoesAreSinging · 20/06/2024 16:57

My ex used to drive really fast to scare me when we argued. He escalated to threatening to drive us off the road. I’m still terrified of driving over hills and I have panic attacks as a passenger for no reason at all, even though this is 14 years on:

He’s punching things to scare you. He is definitely going to hit you one day.

PriscillaPresssley · 20/06/2024 18:54

TheShyRoseZebra · 20/06/2024 13:01

Thanks all.

Shocked by the responses. I think I will maybe try to speak to a therapist about things. There are shades of grey and there is nuance in every situation, that obviously can’t be conveyed in a couple of posts on here. He is not an out and out villain. We are both toxic in our behaviors at times. He obviously does have a lot of good traits otherwise I wouldn’t be here.

And to the person who posted about me sounding annoying (post removed), in a way I agree, I can be a total f’ing nightmare.

I get this, and I think that while everyone is posting in your best interests, it's overwhelming to hear all the "phone the police and pack his stuff up" views. For clarity they probably aren't wrong but I dont think you're ready to hear it so baldly.

So I'm going to come from another perspective...you don't sound happy and neither does he. Everyone has silly arguments, god knows I've been married 32 years and have felt like lamping him on occasion.

But you sound like the bad is worse than the good. He sleeps separately in the huff quite often, you say he loves you more than you love him. The daft arguments don't end well. We would end up a bad argument huffing for a while and then one of us begrudgingly starting a normal conversation, punching doors and driving erratically isn't normal.

So if you can't get your head round he is an abuser leave the bastard, just boil it down to are we actually happy?

And if nothing else good comes out of your posting this today.....NEXT time you see him having a paddy like a toddler at least remember what everyone here is saying and think about it.

I know you're going to say its you who are a nightmare also and I would answer, yes but if you both aren't happy together then time to end it.

Wishing you well

AppropriateAdult · 20/06/2024 20:18

OP, I've been with my now husband for almost 18 years.

Do you know the number of times he has punched a wall in anger? Zero.

The number of times I've had to lock myself in another room during an argument with him? Also zero.

Your boyfriend's behaviour is really, really far from what happens in a normal, healthy relationship. Sometimes this is difficult to see from the inside.

And he is violent. Punching an inanimate object because you can't control your aggression during a row with somebody is violence, and it will only get worse.