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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Didn’t do big shop - am I in the wrong?

234 replies

TheShyRoseZebra · 19/06/2024 21:21

Boyfriend came home from work on Sunday evening, with food. He got some mayo out of the fridge and asked why I didn’t buy more. He said, ‘it’s not fair actually’. He was acting off. I didn’t understand what I had done wrong, but I assumed it was because I hadn’t gone food shopping that weekend, and that he must have felt that I was not contributing my share. I went to my banking app, to check and I had spent about 70 on food shopping at the start of the week, and so I showed him. He assumed that I had gone shopping. He said that I am ‘a very independent person’ and I never want to do things together. That I should have texted him when I was shopping to ask if he wanted anything. He said he always texts me and says ‘darling do we need anything’? And that I never think of him, never ask him what he wants and that said that ‘I don’t give a fuck about him’, and stormed off to sleep separately, which he does the majority of the time. I was shocked and bewildered. I had not gone food shopping. I had spent the majority of the weekend painting the hallway and staircase, so it’s not like I was sat on my arse all weekend. I resent the fact that he assigns me little jobs on the weekend, (for example he suggested that I get a sponge and tackle the limescale in the toilet before he left for work on Sunday morning – I told him to get fucked I have plans). He works every weekend. I am off every weekend. On his days off he goes on road trips, climbing with friends, daytrips etc. He doesn’t help with housework on his free days. He leaves his stuff everywhere, I think intentionally, to piss me off.During the weekends I like to do bits of DIY, small jobs on the house. He has never helped me with any DIY, and that’s fine, I have never asked him for help with any of this and would not expect him to spend his time off painting or whatnot. But I feel like this is something that he resents, like he wants me to need him or something. Anyways, I tried to talk to him today after two days of basically ignoring each other. I asked him why he is so angry with me. He refused to discuss anything related to the argument, asked if I wanted to come with him on his road trip. I told him first I wanted to resolve things, I didn’t want to be in the car with him when he was angry with me as sometimes his driving becomes scary. I tried to discuss what happened at the weekend. He shut me down, refused to engage on the topic, walked away from me, said that I was being dramatic, called me an actress when I started crying, said shut up talking to him in that little victim voice. We tried to talk for half an hour or so, eventually he got so frustrated with me he punched a door. I locked myself in my room, at this point. I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

Am I in the wrong here?

OP posts:
FOXYMORON1707 · 21/06/2024 17:38

Goodness what a horrible man get out asap. Disrespectful arrogant abuser that he is.

DiduAye · 21/06/2024 18:08

You can tell him to leave and if he won't call the Police tell them you are suffering domestic abuse because you are and they will come and remove him I had to do that with my husband It was my home and he had no claim on it

Ilovecleaning · 21/06/2024 18:12

I am sorry you are experiencing this, OP.
Listen to the voice of experience 🌺
Please note: MEN GET WORSE.
Get out while you can.

Pussycat22 · 21/06/2024 18:18

Do you really want to live like this, treading on eggshells? You are a fool to put up with it. Yes it's hard to get rid and it's scary but eventually you will find peace ,self respect and will wonder why the hell you have tolerated this vile man's behaviour. Stop being a doormat. x

WingingItFTM · 21/06/2024 18:29

Just because you say you also have toxic traits isn’t a reason to stay. You don’t owe him anything. You ending the relationship doesn’t have to be ‘fair’ - it just has to be right for you.

i thought similarly to you and now i’m stuck in a relationship with an abusive man and a young child - i’m trying to get out but so much harder now. I wish someone had given me the advice you’re getting now.

it’s not too late to start over! Be kind to yourself x

WiddlinDiddlin · 21/06/2024 18:29

He is violent.

Punching stuff when you show you're upset or you don't just leave him alone to sulk... is a demonstration of his aggression and his physical ability to be violent.

He isn't punching you - yet. But the implication is, he could.

There are so many red flags here but the 'but he is a nice person some of the time' is a huge one.

He will seem like he is a nice person when he is simply NOT being an awful person. He wouldn't have to do very much at all if he is spectacularly (and he IS) horrid a lot of the time - simply doing the shopping, cooking a meal, inviting you to come to X or join in with Y , will seem like wonderful things in contrast to the horrid bits.

He is not a nice person. If he was, he would not behave this way.

Ask him to leave, not in the heat of an argument, but calmly and firmly, 'this is over, I want you to leave'.

DelilahBucket · 21/06/2024 18:33

My ex started with hitting things and throwing things, then the things were being thrown AT me, then it got much worse. He also wouldn't leave despite the house being mine and he had somewhere he could go. I had to trick him to leave in the end. Get out of this relationship now OP.

MMUmum · 21/06/2024 18:37

You sleep separately, he spends his days,off on his own, he kicks off when you haven't done the shopping, he wants a housekeeper not a relationship, get him.out of there then use your diy skills to fix the door he punched a hole in and enjoy the peace and quiet

Nanna61 · 21/06/2024 18:39

Time to say goodbye 👋

SuchiRolls · 21/06/2024 18:42

I’ve never said LTB but seriously…I wouldn’t think twice if I were you. What exactly are you getting from this relationship but grief, manipulation, passive aggressive exchanges and a whole lot more negativity besides? If he won’t leave, pack his stuff up and have the locks changed. If it’s your rental or owned in your name, then he has no legal right to reside there. Not your problem. He sounds like a great big man child and in all honesty for the times he’s ‘ok’ it doesn’t make up for the way he’s making you feel and the gas lighting etc. You don’t sound happy at all. 🫂

BooBooDoodle · 21/06/2024 18:48

Red flag alert! Do not give this piece of shit a minute more of your time and please leave!

MeandT · 21/06/2024 18:54

You've done nothing wrong. You know this. Get out (in practice get him out, but mean it). Do not have a baby with this man.

You deserve better. Believe this! Flowers

SquishyGloopyBum · 21/06/2024 19:00

You are 42 and want children. How come you haven't already? I mean, it's not a bad thing given his behaviour but I'm trying to understand if that's come from him too.

Cherrysoup · 21/06/2024 19:02

You can gauge his mood as soon as you see him? You should not be treading on eggshells like this, I certainly don’t worry when I come home in case he’s in a bad mood. If you want him to go, he goes. You change the locks when he’s out, you pack up his shit and leave it outside. Why are you living life like this?

Pippetypoppity · 21/06/2024 19:03

Get yourself out of this situation ASAP. Punching a door shows he can’t control himself. What woman who’s been punched ever thinks it’s going to happen to her? It’s just a matter of time.

zingally · 21/06/2024 19:19

The thing is, he WILL hit you eventually. They ALWAYS do.

Get rid of him now.

Roseyjane · 21/06/2024 19:54

zingally · 21/06/2024 19:19

The thing is, he WILL hit you eventually. They ALWAYS do.

Get rid of him now.

They dont, but im sorry your life experience leads you to believe this.💐

Horses7 · 21/06/2024 19:59

Dump him - it will only get worse

MissMoan · 21/06/2024 20:02

Please leave. You deserve better.

PorridgeEater · 21/06/2024 20:12

This isn't about shopping at all - it's about a relationship which does not work. It's your apartment, you can tell him to leave. It may be difficult but it's a good thing you haven't bought a home together. Get help from the police if necessary. Wishing you well in dealing with this.

Arlosmum24 · 21/06/2024 20:37

Op, I’ve an ex husband like this, he moved into my flat when we first got together, in the end he was physically and emotionally abusive and ran up 30k worth of debt in my name! I had to sleep with my purse under my pillow in the end! the straw that broke the camels back was when he stole money from our ds and I realised my son couldn’t grow up thinking this sort of relationship was normal! I spent years being the breadwinner of the house but being belittled every single day! It will only get worse, please believe me! I did what I thought I couldn’t do, I kicked him out, paid off the debt slowly but surely and kept a roof over my sons head! Our life is completely different now, I married a lovely man than cherishes us both and respects my independence!!

WestSouthWest · 21/06/2024 20:38

There are some very knowledgeable and experienced women on Mumsnet, some of these women have extracted themselves from dangerous relationships like the one you are currently in. Please listen to them. You are in the fortunate position of having your own home and being able to get him out. You are not married and you don’t have any children together. From my own (and many others) experience, it’s unlikely to get any better but it could certainly get worse. Nobody here wants that for you.

He is a controlling and abusive man. In one of your replies you have described precisely the kind of childhood which may have led you into this kind of relationship. It’s familiar and could be a pattern that repeats itself over and over again until you take steps to understand it.

Please keep yourself safe. It’s ok to put your own happiness and well-being first.

EnglishBluebell · 21/06/2024 21:19

@TheShyRoseZebra A therapist? Love he's an abuser! You need to leave, not get a bloody therapist!

dewfirst · 21/06/2024 21:37

FOJN · 19/06/2024 21:35

I know he would never hit me, but I feel kind of scared when he does reach the point of hitting things.

You don't know that at all. I bet there will be women reading this wishing they'd run the first time a partner punched a door or a wall.

You talk about him hitting things as if this is not the first time and you are scared of him. He's abusive, this is no way to live.

Leave before you become the door because you almost certainly will.

This ….
Get out NOW

Ilovecleaning · 21/06/2024 22:00

crumblingschools · 20/06/2024 06:36

What are his good points?

Who cares?