To not understand why parents are so unwilling to take my advice (tutor)?

[rosesinmygarden]

I'm a very experienced tutor and teacher. I tutor students for high stakes exams and have had excellent results and many happy customers for about 15 years.

I offer a lot for my price. Homework, lesson reports, parents' consults, extra resources and advice between sessions as well as years of experience tutoring students in the area. I do all this happily as I want my students to succeed.

Over the past couple of years I've noticed parents are becoming really unwilling to take on my advice. I'm constantly finding that they argue back and become very angry and accusative if I give constructive criticism/advice. They seem less and less willing to support their child or put any effort in, yet want stellar results. This exam requires a team effort for success. An hour a week with a tutor will not guarantee fabulous success for most. And why hire a tutor with my experience, then choose to ignore their advice or even accuse them of having an ulterior motive when they attempt to tell you something you don't want to hear?

I've been accused of all kinds lately and am finding that my results are slipping as a result of this change in attitude. It's really affecting my motivation. I've always loved my job but am finding it quite soul destroying at times lately.

What a very strange response! Do you really believe that they are hiring an expert and she is giving them advice and they are rejecting it. She's not commenting on the parenting just on the fact that they're paying a lot of money and taking no notice of what she's saying.

Many people think they are outsourcing it all when they get a tutor for an hour a week, of course that is not enough time for the 11+, as the dc will need to do stuff outside of that to support what the tutor has taught. The parents who do not give support find their dc do not get into the schools....at least this is what I have seen. Perhaps, you should just explain that an hour a week is simply not enough and the dc should be reviewing what they learned. It is normal to get a little homework from the tutor.

I blame Gove. I genuinely think that his "the people of this country have had enough of experts" quote (which has been parroted back to me by my MIL) caused untold damage. Of course we should trust someone who is an expert in their field! Why would we know better than them?

Perhaps because it is difficult to get some dc to do the extra work? Or they are busy themselves and think they are paying the tutor, so why should they be doing work too. Of course this is silly, and an hour a week is not enough, it needs to be supported at home too.

Entitlement. That is what is comes down to. Wanting everything but with very little effort on their part. Some of the responses on here sum up that entitlement perfectly.

I try to be philosophical about the shit parents. Presumably, at some point, they'll reap what they have sown. And it means more opportunities for the kids who have the right attitude, less competition as the chaff falls away.

As per my original and previous posts, I do all of this already.

I've tutored 11 plus for 15+ years. I have a system that works brilliantly, if parents keep up their part of the agreement. They are increasingly unwilling to do this, despite nice friendly reminders. Then they are shocked and angry when their children don't get the school place they were apparently desperate for.

A lot of them don't ever read the advice or instructions given, much like some people here who haven't read my posts... Too busy, can't be bothered...

Any advice on how to help a dc to be more organised and develop these good working habits?

My daughter has a tutor for English. She really struggles and needs this extra support.

The tutor has built on her confidence, we all need to work together to help her achieve the best she can.

The tutor can’t work miracles but is providing a platform that my daughter can ask for help - channeled into the areas she is not doing well. But it needs is all to work together!

What about an electronic paper trail where you have the "progress" conversation online via a report you can add to ever week?
They can hardly act surprised if it's there in black and white for months that they need to spend more time supporting the process.

Parents just don’t want to put the work in with their child. I have a son in Y2 at a special school but has high learning potential in many areas and weaknesses in others. I do about 20 minutes of maths and English with him every night on top of both of us reading aloud to each other, varying between his strengths and his weaknesses so it isn’t a huge challenge every night.

I’ve been told I'm cruel for this, that home should be for relaxing not learning. Honestly I think it just makes them feel bad for not putting the effort in themselves.

Do you mean what it tutoring and tuition in the uk?

if so, where children are educated in the state system, some parents pay teachers privately for one to one additional tuition (lessons) outside the school day.

they may pay as their child is struggling with a subject that the parent cannot help with (as I did for ALevel Biology) or because they want to secure a place in a grammar school, normally reserved for the brightest and best.

private tuition is available for all ages, although not always easy to get a place.

Thank you. This is exactly the format I use. For exactly the reasons you suggest. I needed to ensure I was covering myself and have proof that parents had been given the information.

However, I've yet to find a foolproof way of getting them to read and act on it.

If this is in the last few years then it seems to be covid hangover.

Parents feel distrust or resentment towards the education system?

I realise you're an individual and that probably doesn't help you... but that's my guess.

Have you seen a difference in parents expectations in your school job?

I wonder if they were the parents whose children started school still in nappies?

Have you tried being really blunt up front, if you don’t do X you’re wasting your money? Are you going to be able to do X consistently? If not are you sure you want to pay for tutoring?

Sometimes people word things so politely that people don’t really take in what they’re being asked to do properly, I work with the general public and in my opinion while people can read the words on a page a lot of people have trouble comprehending the meaning of the words and they just sign anything without really understanding what they’re being asked to do.

They are throwing money at the problem and do not want to be involved or for any effort to be required

it’s modern life, it’s a change in attitudes

despite nice friendly reminders.

I've yet to find a foolproof way of getting them to read and act on it.

Stop being nice. Stop being friendly. (Ok be nice and friendly to the child. Be scary and formidable to the parents)
You are a bootcamp drill-sergeant for the brain. People pay for boot camp exercise classes where they get yelled at to move faster and lift higher. If they pay money for an exercise class instructor who lets them sit and have a nice cup of tea while chatting about how important it is to get fit, the getting fit will not happen.

It’s a bit like having a piano lesson for 30 mins a week and thinking that is enough to get to Grade 5 within a couple of years - without encouraging your child’s daily practice or, in cases I’ve heard of, not having a piano to practice on!!

Honestly I'm not an expert - I'm sure other people on here will have much better advice! I myself am one that wished I developed better habits during my education, and am now struggling with a lack of discipline in adult life. My DC hadn't started school yet so the issue hasn't come up. I think it's probably a matter of making the practice non-negotiable. So every day you do 10 minutes of piano practice or whatever, in the same way that every day you brush your teeth. (I can see this would be easier said than done).

It used to be that naice kids went private, now naice kids go grammar. Increasingly these are parents who choose grammar over private schools due to cost of living and to avoid what they see as bad schools rather than because their children are bright.

Once upon a time middle class parents would just send their kids private -bright ones to competitive ones, less bright to just regular private schools. Now it's more expensive but everyone wants to avoid 'rubbish' schools so go for grammar.

Parents get tuition to get into those schools without thinking how much effort it'll take. They expect you to recognize that their child is a naice child and make it happen.

I see the same thing at uni. Overtutored kids come to us with amazing grades but no ability to learn. They get a bit of a shock when they get their 1st year results.

Why would you think it’s their parenting that’s being criticised rather than a relevant aspect of the subject being taught ?

@rosesinmygarden You are getting the wrong kind of child/parent-

Not every child is academic, and if they aren't performing well at home or school, it's futile to expect that an hour's tuition a week will produce results.

A super bright family {I was friends with their children as a child} - all of the kids got scholarships to St Paul's London, or similar good Grammars without any tuition as the parents couldn't afford it - they used to fix their house with flotsam from the Thames - and ride around on old bikes they were really poor financially {he was a church organist} but they were a lovely family with engaged and intelligent children who went on to do well.

Maybe the parents aren't as fussed about the exam as you think and feel that if the child can't pass the exam on their own then it's not the right school for them? They book a tutor to give the kid confidence and so they're not at a disadvantage by being unfamiliar with the format.

Or maybe they don't really understand the education system here and are just putting them into 11+ classes because it's what all their family and friends do. We have 11+ tuition centres in my area. Nearest grammar school hours away. A family just from india's child took the 11+ test in Buckinghamshire (miles away and I believe all places are given to kids in bucks) yet didn't know to get the local council secondary school application form in on time. Their daytime teachers are telling them their kids doing fine so why should they put extra time in.

So true!
The genuinely intelligent children from the family I mentioned above didn't have two pennies to rub together, but the kids were passionate about learning.
Always collecting stuff {Rocks for geology} and down at East Sheen Library looking things up- they rarely watched TV. {no computers back then}

Very motivated children.