To not understand why parents are so unwilling to take my advice (tutor)?

[rosesinmygarden]

I'm a very experienced tutor and teacher. I tutor students for high stakes exams and have had excellent results and many happy customers for about 15 years.

I offer a lot for my price. Homework, lesson reports, parents' consults, extra resources and advice between sessions as well as years of experience tutoring students in the area. I do all this happily as I want my students to succeed.

Over the past couple of years I've noticed parents are becoming really unwilling to take on my advice. I'm constantly finding that they argue back and become very angry and accusative if I give constructive criticism/advice. They seem less and less willing to support their child or put any effort in, yet want stellar results. This exam requires a team effort for success. An hour a week with a tutor will not guarantee fabulous success for most. And why hire a tutor with my experience, then choose to ignore their advice or even accuse them of having an ulterior motive when they attempt to tell you something you don't want to hear?

I've been accused of all kinds lately and am finding that my results are slipping as a result of this change in attitude. It's really affecting my motivation. I've always loved my job but am finding it quite soul destroying at times lately.

So so true!! Parents expect tutors to work miracles and think they have no role to play. It's infuriating.

I just knew it would be 11+ it attracts the crazies I find.

I think this shows you need to do more at the start to make clear roles and responsibilities, what homework expectations are and have a standard pack setting this out. Because a lot of parents do probably think “well I’ve got a tutor for Dc so job done” and don’t necessarily appreciate what extra is required to get them over the line.

Then maybe agree to do say 2-3 lessons after which you agree whether you think you’re a good fit and can help them. Regular check in periods etc. and not be I the afraid to ditch if not working.

I think you need to spell it out to the parents at the beginning of your tuition exactly what they can expect.
IMO average ability children can do really well with a lot of parental input, as in at least an hour every day. One hour a week with a tutor wouldn't do it.
The average ability children that I know whom have done brilliantly in secondary were set up hugely by their parents in primary.
It is absolutely delusional and very convenient to think you can do it for them for very little cost, time, effort.
Start with new families were it is realistic and perhaps note it in a written agreement.

I do spell it out. I provide a parent pack with information about tuition and how to help their child. It includes a list of what tuition includes and what any expectations are. We also have a written agreement.

The parents just ignore it. They're too busy. But still expect results.

I do all of this already. But thank you.

Welcome to my world. I work in a secondary school - parents will argue the sky ain’t blue for their kid. Definitely has become more pronounced in the last few years.

I also work in a school. Tutoring is my side gig.

Why do you think it's becoming so much more prevalent?

Exactly, it's the same concept as when people assume, school teaches children all they need to know. They don't understand that if you want to your child to exceed, you have to back up the teaching at home.

For some reason, they are happy with their child practising hobbies like football, dance, art in their spare time and outside of paid activity time but not learning.

This is very true.

I wonder why parents are so resistant to encouraging home study. Especially when they are apparently desperate for their child to pass an exam and get a place at a particular school.

The fact that this is new behaviour and you've had happy customers for 15 years prior suggests it's not you but the parents who've changed. I've seen posts by teachers making similar comments that parents have got more difficult.

Honestly, I don’t know if I know. People seem angrier in the last few years but I think think we are one of the few areas of society that have to take it and not lose our integrity and so that makes us a target because we can’t retaliate.

I find that I’m getting much more hardened to it but the ridiculousness of things makes me think I don’t have many more years left in me in this game. I worry that it’s changing my personality and making me mean and cynical.

Parents refusing to send their kids to school because they can’t have a nose ring. Because they can’t sit next to their mate all day. Because they got a low mark in a test so it much be the teachers’ fault. It’s constant and it’s tiring.

Exhausting is what it is.

Tuition has always been a real pleasure compared with my role in school. I feel sad that I'm enjoying it less lately. However, there's nothing better than a child you've tutored making amazing progress and flourishing.

Omg 100%. I LOVE working with the kids and seeing them flourish. Makes it all worth it. (And even more sad when you have to deal with all the negatives!)

Could it be due to middle classes being squeezed for money, but also in denial so don't want to change their lifestyle?

I was brought up in working class family so we all knew what the stakes were... well, that and there being no money for clubs so homework was the entertainment!

Hmm. I only got a maths tutor for a few weeks, so don't have much experience. But yes I would expect the tutor to teach a concept, and if you had indeed spent lots of time on it and taught it in a number of ways I'd be concerned.

Also the responsibility for parenting seems to have been passed on to teachers, getting good grades the responsibility of the parents, so what are the kids actually responsible for??

This normally indicates one of the following.

1. The child has a learning difficulty which is preventing them grasping the concept.

1. The child has gaps in prior knowledge. This takes time to unravel and fix. If the parents aren't willing to support this at home, the child will need more tuition.

1. The child is sort of understanding the concept in the moment but then goes away and doesn't practise the concept (or, even worse, practises it wrongly at home) so it takes a very long time To ensure they've properly grasped it and are able to apply it to new situations.

As a colleague of mine once said, 'They think they buy the brains with the blazers'.

They're the 'right type of people' don't you know! They should pass the exam and get into the school simply because they've paid for some tuition.

Box ticked.

Yup I got side eyed for teaching my kid to read early, she does a ton of sport but half an hour a day we read. You have to put the work in to achieve anything.

I think parents also don’t like facing that their kid may just not be good at something and may fail, so it’s easier to blame a tutor rather than a lack of ability or effort.

I actually think it’s really cruel to children to do this rather than saying “it’s ok, we can get better through practice”. Expecting perfect results with minimal input must make some children feel unfairly stupid. Whereas teaching them that we can improve at something shows them they may not be the best but with effort they can achieve some level of competence and thats fine, not everyone can be a mathematician/dancer/footballer.

You can be anything you want if you wish it hard enough

You can buy anything you want if your wishing isn't working

Hard work is for fools and losers

Do you really think an hour a week is going to magically sort out a child's education 😂

Could you offer a trial/probation period when they start and if after a month or so its becomes clear they're not putting in the effort required at home then terminate the arrangement. Make it clear you have a long waiting list so they know they're lucky to be there but have to put the work in.

I do this. But I've given up being completely honest about the reasons for ending tuition, for my own sanity.

Parents become incredibly angry if you tell them you're ending tuition because of something they or their child have/haven't done. They accuse you of being elitist, unfair, nasty etc etc. They ignore you or tell you you're wrong or lying when you say your assessments show that their goals aren't realistic.

This sounds awful for you OP! My OH is a music teacher and has some of the same complaints - the students (and their parents) expect great things from one 45 minute lesson a week, and no practice in between. He gets so frustrated with it sometimes! (But like you he said the good students that work at it and make progress are such a pleasure, he goes above and beyond for them).