To not understand why parents are so unwilling to take my advice (tutor)?

[rosesinmygarden]

I'm a very experienced tutor and teacher. I tutor students for high stakes exams and have had excellent results and many happy customers for about 15 years.

I offer a lot for my price. Homework, lesson reports, parents' consults, extra resources and advice between sessions as well as years of experience tutoring students in the area. I do all this happily as I want my students to succeed.

Over the past couple of years I've noticed parents are becoming really unwilling to take on my advice. I'm constantly finding that they argue back and become very angry and accusative if I give constructive criticism/advice. They seem less and less willing to support their child or put any effort in, yet want stellar results. This exam requires a team effort for success. An hour a week with a tutor will not guarantee fabulous success for most. And why hire a tutor with my experience, then choose to ignore their advice or even accuse them of having an ulterior motive when they attempt to tell you something you don't want to hear?

I've been accused of all kinds lately and am finding that my results are slipping as a result of this change in attitude. It's really affecting my motivation. I've always loved my job but am finding it quite soul destroying at times lately.

This is really interesting that it’s a general theme amongst parents right now.

As a parent of a 10yr old, I and my daughter were traumatised by the expectations of home learning during Covid.

I realise this sounds extreme and I am sure many will say they loved it and aren’t.

But some of us were dumped to teach our 5/6yr old kids with no training or support from schools…
not the schools fault - they were also dumped with no support (I appreciate some were excellent… many were not) and have a terrible relationship with home/extra learning.

Yes we want our kids to do well but not at the expense of being a solid family who can do fun things together. Maybe we are a bit quick to defend them or think that although it matters, it isn’t everything.

Just a thought - as this is happening so regularly to you, that it could have been an influence in parent attitudes. They might need so much more hand holding than previous years, to encourage them that teaching their children isn’t the horrendous experience it once was.

I am very surprised at how it affected my and my parental peers attitudes to days off school for holidays/fun activities. There’s a lot of importance placed on fun and being together.

we had 11+ tutors for all of our children to ensure that they got places at the local grammar schools. we signed a contract with the tutor which covered what they would do, what we were expected to do and what the child was expected to do. our children also signed it. we had a long discussion with each child beforehand so they understood how much work they were taking on and to give them the opportunity to say no. even with all of this some of the other parents in the groups were behaving like this - not putting in any effort and expecting their little darlings to get in because they were the right sort of people and had money. The tutor asked them to leave and basically no shit was taken from any of them. they did say this was the worst bit about tutoring - having to be thick skinned.

So you wouldn't expect updates on progress or concerns? At all?

I would certainly expect updates on progress but I would expect the tutor to work on the area with the child that the child was not understanding, because chances are I probably wouldn't understand it myself, and my misguided attempts to explain would probably not help matters.

Which is exactly what I did...

I'm not sure what you feel I did wrong here. 🤔

This parent decided to attempt to help. I didn't tell her to.

Welcome to teaching/tutoring in 2024! Parents treat us like a service and think if they pay they get the grades. They can't see the difference between paying 30 quid more for a steak in a posh restaurant (you pay for what you get) and a tutor. They somehow think their little darlings (and themselves) don't have to actually do any work and because they've paid for the service if they don't agree they have every right to trash your ideas/suggestions etc.
Luckily I can choose carefully who I tutor and would drop them if I had to put up with any of this crap.

Thank you.

I think I'm just going to have to either:

1. Care a bit less and just take the money/do what I can.
2. Be more proactive about dropping students if needed.

I always say that they have the right to drop me if they are not happy but I'll also let them know if I don't want to continue.
Remember we have upper hand as tutors are so sought after. I wish you the best of luck.

Why would you assume she is critiquing their parenting? It’s probably more to do with suggesting that the kids spend more time working on the subject to consolidate their learning, not just the hour a week in tutoring

I can now add, subtract, multiply, and divide fractions in my sleep. (Tell me you’re the parent of an 11+ student without telling me you’re the parent of an 11+ student.) Despite paying for a tutor, I still had to roll my sleeves up and get involved.

The latest one I had was
Me. 'I have tested your child and they have processing issues and find handwriting very hard. I'm giving them a laptop and extra time for exams

Parent: I don't agree with that. Child will have to write better and don't want extra time.

Me: big email about how child needs this.

Parent. Ok we agree for now but not for any proper national exams

Sigh. We've been telling them their child has ND issues for many years but stopped because we were concerned regarding the outcome for the child at home.

Aside from dropping them because of unpleasantness and the risk of compromising your success stats, would it not be perfectly valid to point out to them that the child is not making the required progress and you are currently questioning their suitability for X school on account of pupil application and/or parental support? That could focus their mind a bit.

You would think so, wouldn't you!

Except I'm normally told I'm wrong, mean, overly critical, or have ulterior motives such as trying to sell extra (unnecessary according to them) tuition.

It doesn't occur to them that I'm probably just trying to help because I care about my students and want them to achieve their goals if possible. I've already been to grammar school, my children have already passed the 11 plus. It doesn't affect me personally if their child doesn't pass. It's them who will be upset, not me.

How soul destroying this is... 😥

Could you maybe just politely but firmly tell them that, in order for the tutoring programme to be effective, it really has to be a two-way process. You could say that if they (pupil and/or parent) are not meeting their side of the commitment then it is very unlikely that they will meet their goal and that you are simply being professional and responsible by pointing that out. Maybe the key thing is to follow through with a specific decision point like giving them one week to reflect on what you have said and to talk it through with their child and then let you know whether they are moving forward with a better level of commitment or if you should agree to part ways. It is just not fair when you are trying your best to help them and they appear to think they are outsourcing the responsibility. You could be helping someone else in a much more constructive and rewarding situation rather than wasting your time with them.

I’m sorry but if you expect a tutor for one hour a week to work magic with your child, while you, as a parent, sit back and do absolutely nothing to support them in between sessions, then you’re deluded. A tutor is there to support the child’s progress. It doesn’t take the place of your role as a parent to also support with school work etc if you want your child to succeed.

Teacher here, I agree with absolutely everything you’ve said!

@rosesinmygarden I am totally with you.

I think my eldest DD (15, secondary school) is one of the few children who is not taking any grinds/ tutoring. I talked to her and said if she wants to achieve high grades effort is the number one factor. She wants to get into a degree with very high points.

She got a very good report this year. If for her Leaving Cert year she needs any tutor I would try to find the best one I can so she can achieve those points she wants while doing her best. But for now I know she is working hard and thats what matters.

Most parents pay tutors with different subjects from the very start and I can't understand this idea. I find it counterintuitive.
I can understand how you feel. It must be really frustrating.

If I was you, I would select only the ones who are prepared to work hard. Don't lose your motivation, you sound like an amazing tutor.

I have tried, with mixed success, to compare the process to medical advice.
Some things, you can pay for, like being seen much more promptly, seeing a specialist, etc.
However, if you do not follow the private doctor's advice, eg dietary changes or a course of medication, you will not reach the desired outcome.
At this point, some parents will grudgingly take your point, but it sounds as if this particular pupil's parents have not accepted that reality yet.

As an aside we had an amazing GCSE Maths tutor for one of our DC who struggled. Unbeknownst to us he was tutoring at least three quarters of top set who were shoe ins for 9s! further Maths etc. He charged an absolute fortune but was worth it.

As a private tutor, you don't have to put up with this .

You just politely tell the parent that this is your advice, based on years of experience, but if they don't want to accept it they will be better off with someone else.

At first I though you were a teacher, in which the above approach would not be an option.

Dh (in a different line of work) says this to people who argue back at him.

Hmmm, if only it were easy to spot the ones who are genuinely prepared to work hard before they reserve a spot and you turn others away.

I've 'sacked' 5 clients this academic year because of lack of engagement and/or basic manners and courtesy. It's a real issue and some parents are so entitled and disrespectful that it would take your breath away. They are bringing up their children to think that you can buy anything if you've got enough money.

The nice families who really engage and trust me make it worth it though.