To not understand why parents are so unwilling to take my advice (tutor)?

[rosesinmygarden]

I'm a very experienced tutor and teacher. I tutor students for high stakes exams and have had excellent results and many happy customers for about 15 years.

I offer a lot for my price. Homework, lesson reports, parents' consults, extra resources and advice between sessions as well as years of experience tutoring students in the area. I do all this happily as I want my students to succeed.

Over the past couple of years I've noticed parents are becoming really unwilling to take on my advice. I'm constantly finding that they argue back and become very angry and accusative if I give constructive criticism/advice. They seem less and less willing to support their child or put any effort in, yet want stellar results. This exam requires a team effort for success. An hour a week with a tutor will not guarantee fabulous success for most. And why hire a tutor with my experience, then choose to ignore their advice or even accuse them of having an ulterior motive when they attempt to tell you something you don't want to hear?

I've been accused of all kinds lately and am finding that my results are slipping as a result of this change in attitude. It's really affecting my motivation. I've always loved my job but am finding it quite soul destroying at times lately.

I tutor. There absolutely are the odd nightmare parents. But this sounds like mismatched expectations. I always ask if they want a traditional tutor (sets homework etc) or if the want someone who will support their child more holistically. I am a more holistic tutor. We do confidence building, mental well-being, exam technique, supportive revision (they do past papers with me for advice and on the spot re teaching of misconceptions). I do make a difference to their grades but I don’t promise massive academic leaps. I promise a confident child who will be able to do their best on the day. It’s a different thing. I think you need to be clearer that you are a traditional tutor with homework and how many hours that will take. I don’t set homework. My aim is to make a meaningful difference in the hour I have with them. Neither is wrong but there is more than one valid way to approach it.

@rosesinmygarden I am in a similar position. Just yesterday I was thinking “how times have changed”.

Your experience with parents is more extreme than mine but I have definitely seen a shift in parental expectation. More and more parents seem to be very reluctant to ask their children to do some extra work outside of lessons. Even just half an hour. For fear of upsetting the child and having to deal with tantrums.

As we approach the “business end” of the tutoring year, the reality is starting to hit some parents that the super selective grammar they want is looking unlikely. Despite my regular updates in writing making this clear.

I have definitely got better and stopping tutoring early on for those where the parents seem particularly troublesome. I don’t like to do this as it is unfair on the child. But working with unreasonable parents is unfair on me and as a self employed tutor, I have to put my own well-being first as no one else will.

There are no easy solution to your situation @rosesinmygarden. I think it is part of a much wider societal shift where people are just too busy. Is the customer always right? No. But many parents think they are.

I share your unease and frustration. It can make us tutors feel quite vulnerable.

we have a similar attitude from parents at my dance class. Some cannot grasp that if their child only dances in their once a week lesson and does not practice at home then they will progress, but much more slowly than a child of the same age who attends class several times a week and also practices at home. Then the complaints follow about why their child isn’t put forward for festival solos, or why other children get higher exam marks. Nothing wrong with dancing once a week for a fun recreational hobby, but the expectations have to match the amount of effort put in.

I've stopped tutoring 11+ because of this exact thing. I focus entirely on secondary now, Key Stage 3 up to A level with a big GCSE focus and it's made a huge difference to my entire life! I would never go back to 11+ tutoring now, it's so much more stressful and with so much toxic behaviour.

It takes a month to form a habit apparently. So from the first day of homework it is a non negotiable.
They might grizzle and say later later etc......but you stick to your guns, straight after school and it very quickly becomes their norm.
Consistency is key.
The payback is huge with school work.
Music practice is different.....I was reminding them daily for years.
Funnily enough, for my boys it was a change of teacher to a 24 year old super model that perked them up and wanting to impress her.
For my daughter it also was a new teacher that thought she was AMAZING and whom she couldn't bear to disappoint, eventually made a difference.
Me nagging them never did.

Part of what parents are paying for, is not to have to be involved in their child’s struggles. The mental load is too much for them. Family life is ultra stressful these days. They are time poor.

The art of parenting is being eroded as a result. It’s evident in all sorts of ways.
Parents want it all. Or parents both have to work full time to pay the bills.
Either way, children suffer as a result.

Why oh why can't some parents just accept their child is average ?

OP, I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say that we got a tutor for our DD's A Level English, and it was the best thing we ever did. So please keep doing what you're doing - there are parents and children out there who do appreciate tutors.

I’ve had the opposite from tutors I’ve hired for my son, they were so reluctant to offer any feedback and didn’t really let me get involved, they’d ask my son what he wanted to work on and this didn’t work well as my son of course would choose something he didn’t struggle with. In the end I asked his teachers for a list of areas my son needed to work on and gave it to the tutor. I would have loved some advice from the tutor. I kept the tutors on because both were head of departments at their schools and seemed impressive but they just didn’t like any parental involvement.

this

@CreamStick because in the past an average middle class kid still did well because they were middle class. That's slightly been undermined in recent years. So it's not that they are worried about being average but what it means for their kid's future prospects.

@rosesinmygarden

I’ve found a very similar shift and I think it’s symptomatic of an individualistic society.

Also, many parents work - both have demanding jobs, and don’t have the time or energy - but have the money. Therefore the solution is to expect others to do the education job while they fund it. If they are expected to also support - what they perceive to be - something that they’ve already paid for - I think that’s where the backlash comes.

Children are very much treated as individuals where their needs are paramount and should be catered for - and I think this is difficult : certainly in a class of 30. We seem to be rejecting a more communal style of teaching to an individualistic style. I think this has advantages/disadvantages.

I think adults are also becoming more individualistic, and the empathy and selfless type skills needed to teach are dwindling. But an individualistic, career successful parent will be be able to provide the material needs and pay for tutoring etc.

I am finding that there is an increasing lack of respect in general for many professionals these days. Now many people have Google wherever they are there are more people who think they know everything. So many times on here and in real life I have heard people complaining about their health visitor, school or nursery "interfering" or being busybodies when they are just trying to do their jobs. People say things like " I'll do my own research thanks" when professionals are trying to help them. As a nursery nurse I am seeing this more and more. Parents seem to want nurseries to just babysit their child while they work, they don't seem to want to work with us to get the best outcome for their child. I know we don't get paid much but many of us have degrees and some of us have post graduate qualifications too. We have done extra training with health professionals to better look after individual children with health needs.

I'm sorry that some of the parents are being so difficult.

What I’ve noticed about people since I moved back here is that they outsource the responsibility of their DC to others at every opportunity.

Parents think that the school should teach their DC to read and do maths. Seriously, teachers do not have time to teach your DC to read. There are 25-30 of them in a class. To get your DC to read well, you need to get them to read every day and be read to.

My other favourite one is teaching DC to swim. So many of my DC’s school friends couldn’t swim at age 10. Their mums are either SAHM or work PT. It’s a life skill. We have a LA pool in our town, always open. Why can’t you just get in a pool with your kid and teach them to swim?

It’s just laziness. Or is it. Is it just incompetence.

My kid can’t do this, so I’ll throw money at it, and if they don’t come out with a top mark, the best at this sport, or picked for the best part in the play, then it is YOUR fault because I paid you to do this, and I am entitled to it.

I think it depends on why they opted to get a tutor in the first place. If it's because they know there child is struggling and needs it then they are probably open to advice and constructive feedback.

If it's because there child is struggling and they blame the teacher then they are not going to be receptive to feedback that they consider negative. I like personally someone who insists there primary school child being very behind in maths is because of the teacher despite the teacher being maths specialist teacher and training other maths teachers in the county. They won't even consider the child missing countless days in school, being kept up late most nights so is permanently exhausted and never having homework etc done with them is a huge factor in this.

A friend teaches a very famous person's child, who is apparently an entitled and lazy so and so, on course to fail all GCSEs. Friend warns famous person that child will fail everything unless child massively pulls its finger out. Famous person glares at friend and says, 'So what are YOU going to do about it?'

If you haven't tried this approach before, can I make a suggestion that you tell the parents at the time they sign their child up for tutoring, that you are the school material equivalent of a music teacher. If their child doesn't practice piano, then they are never going to achieve their grades in their music exams, so the same will apply to whatever subject you're giving the tutoring in. No practice = not going to achieve the desired grades. It's that simple.
If they don't like this approach they are welcome to attend tutoring elsewhere but you've got a track record to maintain and protect, so it probably isn't the place for them to sign their kid up to if their kid and they aren't going to put in the effort.

I personally would love this guidance and feedback. I've had one very academic child, who I had no problem finding a tutor for and always got lots of feedback from school and tutor about his strengths and things to focus on.

I now have a child with ASD who has some learning difficulties but is above average intelligence (so naturally bright and verbose, but struggles academically in some areas). First off, it was almost impossible even finding a tutor when I told them about his LD, and now my problem is very vague feedback about how he's doing, how we can help etc. Not just from the eventual tutor I found, but even from school. I've made it clear I won't be offended if they say he's struggling or has zero chance of passing! But I literally have no idea either way, and I'd like to know whether it's fair for him to even sit the test. He is happy to attempt the 11+ and will have special arrangements put in place by the senco, but Im honestly unclear if he has a chance. So frustrating. I'm an engaged and supportive parent, but I'm not an educator and didnt grow up in a grammar area myself. Id personally love it if his tutor (and class teacher) actually gave me some honest feedback on his abilities!

Most children ARE about average. Very few are super bright, or top 5% IQ wise.

Parents that want their children to have the best opportunities in life go the extra mile and will invest time and effort in their education.

The payback?
Well for my family, my eldest recently got his final results from an excellent university, with an excellent degree and is now fielding offers from international companies who want to hire him.
That is the payback for him.

As parents the payback is the knowledge you did your best to help your child to provide well for their future.

He worked hard and he now gets to reap the rewards of being an average student who made the best of the opportunities that he was afforded through hard work.

When average students work hard they can see the payback of their work.
It makes them rightly appreciate their hard won success.

They won't see this at 6 or 6 or 16 perhaps, but 26 in a well paid job with a great career path, they do.

Most people have to work to live, my children have been advised, in the absence of any great vocation, to pick a career that will pay them well so that their life outside of work can be as fulfilling/satisfying as possible.

Could you introduce a tiered system?

E.g,
Level one - one hour per week of tuition and three hours of home study
Level two - two hours per week of tuition and two hours of home study
Level three - four hours of tuition

Maybe spelling it out this way with associated cost will show the same effort is needed, regardless of whether the time is paid or not.

I wish my parents had taken this approach, I went to a school in a fairly deprived area and as one of the few middle class children I didn’t have to do much to come top of the class, and I was told I would do well simply by virtue of being clever and coming from a nice family, except when I went out into the real world it turned out I was actually just fairly average and I was competing with people who’d worked hard and gone to good schools.

I’ll be telling my children which jobs pay well and to work toward a career in one of those areas, they can do things they enjoy in their free time because they’ll have the money to be able to afford it!

I think there is an increasing distrust in any authority, especially since COVID. For many parents, education of any kind is a representation of that. So they assume that any feedback is some form of attack or scam.

Also I think raising a child is really undervalued in our society. Most things are valued by their monetary amount and you don’t get paid to bring up your child so doing more than what’s legally required isn’t even considered by some people.

There’s also the idea that anyone can achieve anything they want and all they have to do is believe in themselves. Obviously this isn’t true but can be a difficult pill to swallow if you had aspirations that your child is going to be a genius but in reality they are average and a bit lazy.

How does the friend answer the celebrity?

@Chatonette They said they were doing all they could but the child also had to make some effort. It was eventually 'resolved' by teachers at the school being paid extra to tutor the child intensively one on one, which as far as the celeb was concerned was what they should have been doing all along as part of their day jobs

@Umbilicate

Initials of the Celeb??