To not understand why parents are so unwilling to take my advice (tutor)?

[rosesinmygarden]

I'm a very experienced tutor and teacher. I tutor students for high stakes exams and have had excellent results and many happy customers for about 15 years.

I offer a lot for my price. Homework, lesson reports, parents' consults, extra resources and advice between sessions as well as years of experience tutoring students in the area. I do all this happily as I want my students to succeed.

Over the past couple of years I've noticed parents are becoming really unwilling to take on my advice. I'm constantly finding that they argue back and become very angry and accusative if I give constructive criticism/advice. They seem less and less willing to support their child or put any effort in, yet want stellar results. This exam requires a team effort for success. An hour a week with a tutor will not guarantee fabulous success for most. And why hire a tutor with my experience, then choose to ignore their advice or even accuse them of having an ulterior motive when they attempt to tell you something you don't want to hear?

I've been accused of all kinds lately and am finding that my results are slipping as a result of this change in attitude. It's really affecting my motivation. I've always loved my job but am finding it quite soul destroying at times lately.

*affecting

… I wouldn’t have written this if you weren’t a tutor!

Effecting is correct, I believe.

effect

verb
gerund or present participle: effecting

1. cause (something) to happen; bring about.
2. "the prime minister effected many policy changes"

So why should people bother to hire them then ?!

It's the same in schools op.

When you tell parents that their child isn't achieving in line with their peers, they ask what they can do to help but don't do any of the things suggested.

Their child can't do homework, it stresses them out.

They themselves can't supervise homework as they're too busy.

Their child can't read at home because they don't like it.

Some of my pupils get their bedtime story from Alexa or Audible.

Parents want their child to achieve but all of the work must be done by someone other than them or their child.

Not all of course, but increasing numbers.

I stopped offering 11 plus tuition for this very reason. I now work predominantly with GCSE and A level students now. I make it clear from the outset that the students have to work hard inbetween sessions and engage well during the sessions for tuition to be beneficial. If this doesn't happen I'm very honest with parents and tell them that their child is unlikely to progress with me.

I think people are often looking for magical shortcuts. Unless your kid is very bright you need to build skills over time. I’ve seen people flash carding vocab as part of 11+ prep but realistically if they had been reading consistently and progressing to more challenging texts they should have reasonable vocab and comprehension before they get anywhere near the 11+. It takes time and effort over a sustained period of time for most children.

I hear you and feel you OP, this is what teaching is becoming also.

well firstly you’re not BU. Not at all. I find some parents just want to throw money at a problem and that’s it. They don’t want to encourage their child to put in the extra effort, I guess they are hoping they pay for 1hr a week and that’s it. So I’d be making it very clear from the outset what’s expected of parent, student and tutor. You may already do that, a contract specifying everyone’s role. If you have it already I’d have a call with parent and student ahead of them signing up and make it crystal clear what the expectation is.

I feel for you because I think 11+ does attract that sort of parent!!

But I also feel for the kids who probably don’t belong in grammar / academically selective schools anyway. They have tuition they likely don’t enjoy - they’re being pushed through a hole that doesn’t fit.

It’s not your fault but the whole system is a bit broken - only one kind of “brain” gets rewarded.

I wonder if you can do something that another tutor I know of does - she only takes on the kids who “exceed expectations” in their primary school reports because she doesn’t want to give false grammar school hope. (And also those children tend to be academic and interested in doing extra work etc.)

When my DD was at primary there was another parent who would not allow her DD to go to any clubs or hobbies for the final two years of primary, and very few parties. All her DDs time was taken up with tutoring and self learning, as well as being helped by the parents. A lot of other parents gave the mother and father the side eye and whispered how cruel they were, but their DD got top marks at 11+, got in to top grammar school and then studied at Oxford, so for them it all paid off.

@Summerfreezemakesmedrinkwine Why on earth is providing feedback on areas a child needs to focus more on for an 11 plus exam a criticism of parenting? You hire a tutor to identify areas of weakness and put in place measures to fix that ahead of the exam. If you’re not going to accept their professional opinion then that’s fine. You sound like some of the people in my work who ask for 360 degree feedback then get offended if someone gives some feedback they don’t like. Sounds to me like OP is doing her job, and it’s the parents with the problem

Is that a real pay off though? How is this child’s (adult’s) mental health?!

She wasn’t allowed to go to parties / other activities as a child so she could study?

The important thing with homework is that the habit of study is formed early.
Sitting down and doing it asap after school and completing it well was the advice I was given.
Ticking off the items in the journal. By the time my children were 10-11 they were doing a solid hour a day themselves. This set them up for success in secondary school.
Doing your homework well is actually study, it beds down the work done during school hours.
Students that do very well in school do their homework well.
They have formed good habits organically from a very young age.
But it takes discipline from both parent and child.
None of my children EVER liked music practice, it was the bane of my life, reminding them every day.
But lessons are expensive and a complete waste of time if you think leaving it up to the child to practice will get it done.
I think a lot of parents want their children to do well, but balk at the sheer effort and time involved with the above.

I sympathise because it is a lot of effort, but it is essential if you want average ability children, to do well.
Two of my children are late diagnosis severely dsylexic.
We were stunned by their result having privately had them assessed.

The surprise was because they have consistently achieved high results throughout their secondary schooling due to their own hard work.

The payback to putting in effort with your children during their primary school years is returned in secondary.
If they do very well in primary, are used to working, they develop an expectation of themselves that they get great results, and are used to their teachers applauding them.
They grow up with the confidence that comes from doing well.
They know and see the link between working hard = successful grade.
I did extra maths for years with my children which caused them to gain huge confidence in their very average ability.
They grew up knowing maths needs to be practiced like all subjects, and have confidence that if they study hard, they will get excellent beyond their ability results.
The payback in forming really good habits in primary is that secondary school is easier academically.
Studying is a skill like any other. Learn it early in primary and it is formed for life.

That's my point really, not only high IQ children can do very well in their schooling.
Johnny and Jessie who are sloggers can do very well through sheer effort.

In my experience of friends children who were very bright and did exceptionally well, huge work was also involved every single time. By the time they are in University they know well the work involved to do well.

Having written that it occurrs to me, lots of parents may not realise it and it would be very helpful if it was pointed out to them when their children begin reception.
Just how beneficial long term it is to form good habits early.

You can't do the school work nor exams for your children, but parents definitely can set them up for success by helping them form good habits that support their long term success, and give them the best chance of it.

No - you can only effect a CHANGE. Not a result because a result is a static state.

So you can effect a change in results. Or you can affect the results (bring about a change in the results).

You cannot effect a result.

DiL received a note from a parent informing her that the parent didn’t have time to sit with their child to do homework so could the teacher sit with them at lunchtime to give them a hand, she was happy to pay! It should only have taken 15 minutes. If parents can’t be bothered with 15 minutes they really won’t be bothering with anything longer, especially if they think they can throw money at it.

OP this sounds very hard and I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. In my experiences (job where you also have to deliver tricky messages) shifting the method of delivery can make a huge difference to how it’s perceived. I’ve experimented with this in my job and it’s been reasonably effective.

l’m sure you already do this - eg “X is a delight and I’ve loved teaching him. He’s excellent on x, y, z. I wanted to speak briefly so we can make a plan together on a few areas which are still a work in progress. On a,b, c, he’s doing reasonably well compared to a lot of kids his age, but as you know the 11+ exam is pretty tough and there’s a little way to go before he crosses that pass mark line on those. This seems like a really good time to make a plan so we can get him where he needs to be. As we still have x months left before 11+ I thought it might be good to discuss options on that”

I've tried this.

They just ignore me or nod and smile, make promises and then do nothing.

This is the point where they may also complain I'm being mean, or accuse me of trying to get them to spend more.

A large % of this year's cohort are behind, yet many of the parents are stopping tuition in July, 2 months before the exam. I did think this was down to COL but they're all off on amazing, exotic holidays for the summer and 'won't have time to study'. I give up!

I agree that you need to be more selective about the families you take on.

They need to understand up-front that this is a team effort between them, their child and you, and that an hour a week spent with you is only the tip of the iceberg for the effort that needs to go in to this.

Explain that they should think of it as if they have signed up for a mountain climbing expedition. You are the guide and will lead the way but you will not be carrying their luggage for them and they will need to do the actual climbing
This applies to the parents as well as the child.

Explicitly set out for new families that you are selective who you work with and will not keep them on as clients if thet don't keep up their own effort levels. Institute a 6 week review point at which you have the courage to cut loose any family that isn't putting in the team effort. They can have a warning at the 3 week mark if they aren't on track for that.

Things won't change unless you make changes.

You sound very conscientious. But if this is happening more and more I think you need to look at your own approach as regards to dealing with parents. You need to get your points over without antagonizing the parents.

Just seen this post. Agree completely.

This is an interesting thread. I fully agree with all the posters who are saying that developing organisation and structured work habits are extremely important for any field of achievement, more so often than talent, and will stand the child in good stead afterwards too.
I work in a very stereotypically intellectual field in academia. I have met a lot of extremely intelligent people, who don't have graft. They don't know how to knuckle down usefully (presumably they never had to). They mostly do not succeed. I also know others who don't strike you straight away as hugely clever - bit longer to process, not such a great memory - but they are organised, disciplined and really put the slog in to the job. They get much better results.
Giving your child discipline and organisation habits early is a great gift!

Sorry if I'm derailing from the original post 😄

Here’s my experience with an 11+ tutor: a book list was provided every term, which included those 11+ workbooks you can buy online. Homework was set every week—specific pages from the books, which covered the current topics in maths, plus practice in the other subjects. It was about one hour of work. I was expected to mark the homework, then go through the corrections with DC before the next lesson. I had to put their % score for each homework activity on their homework log, which was a sheet of lined paper in the 2-ring folder with dividers, which I was asked to purchase.

She gave DC five mock exams across the year. She marked them, and compared them to her previous pupils…x% of her previous pupils who got the same score as DC on the October mock got a place at grammar, x% of her previous pupils who got the same score on their December mock got a place at grammar, and so on. Always with the stipulation that “mock exam result comparisons do not guarantee a place at grammar—the numbers change every year.”

Based on the score % list on DC’s homework log, me working through their corrections with them weekly, and the bi-monthly mocks compared to their predecessors, I was under no illusions on what reality we were facing on exam day. The tutor didn’t have to give me their verbal feedback—the numbers spoke volumes. As a parent, I couldn’t argue what % of previous pupils with the same score as DC got in. It was factual evidence. I knew of a few pupils whose parents pulled them out of tutoring after the first or second mock, once they realised that grammar probably wasn’t going to be an option for their DC based on their actual mock scores, not on conversations about areas for improvement.

It was for the final two years of primary that the clubs and parties stopped. She’d had a normal childhood up until then. She’s actually a very well adjusted adult, but that may be because she was predisposed to learning anyway.

They misunderstand what they're paying for. They believe they are buying an exam pass for their child, and their role is only to stump up the cash. If it were me I'd be having an honest talk with them before accepting the jobs, making it crystal clear what the expectations are on both sides, and that they are paying for you to do x, y and z, not for the exam outcome they want, because your contribution is just part of the effort required. I'd only then take on parents who were on the same page.

Op I think if you are already using that conversation style then you have to accept parent choice at the stage they decide to do nothing