To not understand why parents are so unwilling to take my advice (tutor)?

[rosesinmygarden]

I'm a very experienced tutor and teacher. I tutor students for high stakes exams and have had excellent results and many happy customers for about 15 years.

I offer a lot for my price. Homework, lesson reports, parents' consults, extra resources and advice between sessions as well as years of experience tutoring students in the area. I do all this happily as I want my students to succeed.

Over the past couple of years I've noticed parents are becoming really unwilling to take on my advice. I'm constantly finding that they argue back and become very angry and accusative if I give constructive criticism/advice. They seem less and less willing to support their child or put any effort in, yet want stellar results. This exam requires a team effort for success. An hour a week with a tutor will not guarantee fabulous success for most. And why hire a tutor with my experience, then choose to ignore their advice or even accuse them of having an ulterior motive when they attempt to tell you something you don't want to hear?

I've been accused of all kinds lately and am finding that my results are slipping as a result of this change in attitude. It's really affecting my motivation. I've always loved my job but am finding it quite soul destroying at times lately.

Will you tutor my son OP?! It’s a nightmare trying to find an 11+ tutor! I’ll be a model parent I promise - I listen to teachers and make him do lots at home 😁

(seriously- pm me if you have any pita families you want to offload so you can give us a slot instead 🤣)

Thank you.

It's reassuring to know other tutors/teachers have similar experiences.

The hardworking, engaged students make it worth doing. They are a joy.

I tutor as well, but mostly GCSE and A Level and I always make it very clear at the start that I cannot guarantee a grade, but simply give them the tools to achieve their potential with hard work and if they engage. That being said, there are some nuts clients (the ones wanting intense tuition at any time they pleased but would never make their child do his homework for the 11+ was particularly memorable and I ended up finding an excuse to drop them)!

My daughter is 7 and I must admit I was surprised when other parents told me they couldn’t get their children to do their homework, it’s literally 5 minutes of spellings and a bit of reading, my daughter doesn’t know she has a choice, but it seems that some parents are just lazy or feckless.

Agree. I think there is a culture in primary education that children should be free spirits, outside and everything is taught in school. That parents don't need to input at all (middle class village "outstanding" primary)

My kids are SO BORED because despite the fact the teacher sets homework, no one does it and there's an increasing gap between the can and the cannots. The teacher spends all her time going over old ground rather than actually moving the kids on to new stuff.

I hired tutors because I had no knowledge of a level maths and chemistry. If they expected input from me, I wouldn’t have had a clue! I bought revision guides and tried to make home life as stress free as possible but that was about it.

Our DC got tutored for 11+. The tutor set them 1 hour homework a week. They were at state school, so almost no other homework, and she also asked us to read to them every night and make a list of any vocab in the books that they didn't know and look it up.We did this. After a few months she told me that DS was the only child she tutored who always did the homework. Just one hour a week and a bit of vocab from reading stories. I was so surprised people paid all that money and then didn't want to get the most value from it.

I’ve stopped tutoring. Not as extreme but I also struggled with the parental disinterest. I think a lot is guilt purchasing a tutor in their busy lives, but not really being committed. Many seemed happy to have the child occupied and were surprisingly disinterested in impressive progress. There were so many cancelled sessions.
I remember dealing with a disinterested child and trying to talk to dad about skills development. Wider foundational skills that generally supported learning, basically writing skills. Dad cut across me ‘but is this actually on the exam’ twice when I tried to explain the benefits of being about to use sentences in GCSES. Backing his son up refusing to try

With 11+ i think one area of the problem is schools really refuse to give any real view on where a child sits academically now. y2 sats have been ditched and reports focus a lot on effort, behaviour, age related expectations. Actual real attainment is carefully dodged because they hate parents talking and knowing if there's a "top" table and comparing reading bands etc.

As a result, in a "naice" school everyone thinks their child is in that top third of the class who stand a shot at grammar.

Parents then have unrealistic expectations that their quite normal, well behaved, hard working child, who has a glowing report because yes they are lovely and a pleasure to teach, is more academically exceptional than they are.

In counties like bucks & kent this is exacerbated by the fact that the craftier leafy primaries know full well that the more likely you think your child stands a chance at 11+, the more likely you'll pay for tutoring, which suits the school as it boosts their ks2 results. On this basis they really don't ever tell you your child is quite unlikely to pass!

Agree. I think there is a culture in primary education that children should be free spirits, outside and everything is taught in school. That parents don't need to input at all (middle class village "outstanding" primary)

This, the standard of maths especially can be abysmal but loads of parents don't engage at all with what homework is set and few take the time to support DC by playing games etc that broaden their maths skills at home.

I wonder why parents are so resistant to encouraging home study.

Because its hard and children don't enjoy it.

Children want to practise their football and ballet & music. Its enjoyable. Its low stakes, so they've learned along the way to put in a little effort and see it pay off. Its not hard for parents to encourage it.

Academic tutoring tends to involve challenging them to a level where its really hard (you mention a child repeatedly not grasping a concept). They aren't succeeding or are struggling to and the stakes are high, they aren't getting that enjoyable feedback of putting a bit of work in and it paying off. They are just slogging at things too hard for them & many will fail 11+ regardless.

Plying sport or music to a high level is not 'a little effort'. It takes a lot of commitment, practice and certainly in sports a lot of pain and courage to pick themselves up and try again. It teaches resilience, team working and helps them take instruction and build a relationship with their team mates and coaches. Plus they don't expect I'm not expected to teach my child how to do the skills safely and correctly as that takes s lot of expertise. Appreciating the work that goes into developing creatively and athletically doesn't take away from more academic subjects, it supplements and compliments it.

@HanaPales piano and tennis are two sports where this has been hugely prevalent.
Parents pissed off cos little Johnny isn't an ace player after 1 hour of coaching a week for years. Truth is that children that progress have probably been hitting balls at least 1 or two hours a week with their parents. Those are the children that in competition at U10's and 12's and playing well.
The idea that a 20-30 minute lesson once a week will progress piano is a joke. It is a slog of practice, 5/6 days a week for years.
Skills don't come without effort.

I have children who have finished all the piano grades and played sports at a competitive level.
Huge effort and sacrifice involved for both child and parent.
Parties missed for training, matches.
There is huge discipline involved.

Good schooling habits start early, from the get go.
Homework done immediately upon arriving home, and done well.
You do it from the beginning and good habits are instilled.
It is very hard on children to do well in secondary school if they have never been guided to take care over their work at home, learn to study their spellings, practice their reading every night.
My children were fluent readers from 7/8 because we practiced. Geniuses may not need that guidance but your average child definitely will.

I think we're becoming a society where they think consumer is king and you buy something and get it.

I'm on a train at the moment and the fact that we're all customers and not passengers is another example.

I agree with this completely. One of the most valuable lessons you can teach a child is the ability to work hard and apply themselves.

Problem is, many adults don't know how to do this either. How can you ever manage independent learning if you don't get the building blocks when young?

I am also a teacher, and have tutored students aged 13-18 (mostly GCSE and A level) for 25 years. I agree with many other posters that there seems to be an assumption amongst parents that by getting a tutor, the problem is solved ("job done!") - DD or DS will now achieve as expected/predicted. And this attitude extends to the students themselves. They seem to think that just by attending a one-hour session per week, they will get their hoped-for grade, regardless of how much effort they put in. Most parents and students are unwilling to follow advice and do any extra homework/study even if I strongly recommend it, or at least see it as low priority.

Don't get me wrong, the vast majority of my students are polite and engaged during our sessions, and I always have the coversation with parents beforehand, about improvement being a joint effort, and that students (especially A level) should come to lessons prepared, with information about what they've been covering at school, and examples of what they are struggling with, in order to get the best out of our lessons. However, my impression is that they give very little thought to our work between sessions, and arrive with the expectation that I can magically impart required knowledge into their brain with no effort on their part.

I do not coach for 11+, but wonder if the effects I have experienced are more apparent in these cases because there is more to play for. At the end of the day, if one of my GCSE students gets a level 6 instead of the 7 they hoped for, it's mostly not a huge deal, but if a student fails their 11+, that has an implication on what school they attend and their next 7 years of education. Also, I assume that any parent entering their child for the 11+ already has high expectations for them, and therefore high expectations of the tutor.

Are you getting more confident and less patient as you get older?

That might explain part of it at least.

My son had a tutor for his A level maths . Son highly intelligent but lazy. She pointed out to son that he had to work as well! Best advice she could give! Son then motivated to work and got an A 🤷‍♀️

Like this? ^

Have you seen the other teaching thread?

As people pay you, they expect a miracle with the hour you provide being enough. Why expect Bob to do ANY work himself- don’t be silly. They don’t realise little Bob will still need to put some work in on their own.

What does the word "tuition" mean in this post? (I'm from the US.)

Guessing it's 11+ and selective grammars. It's not your fault OP. You are doing your utmost but it's just perpetuating an unfair and elitist system. The resistance you sense from parents is I think a reaction to that unfairness.

Could you use your (much needed) talent for teaching in another role/field?

I paid for 11+ tutoring and was very willing to take the tutor's advice but my DC was not, so that was that, she failed the exam (twice).

Also, some parents already resent having to jump through hoops and pay tutors for 2-3 years to guarantee their child gets into a decent school purely to avoid the horrible alternatives, whereas if mixed ability schools were the norm everywhere, there wouldn't be all this ridiculous pressure on families, tutors, teachers or kids.

11+ needs scrapping along with Ofsted, are you listening Keir.

They probably want you to tell them their DC is perfect. If you point out weaknesses they might have they simply don't want to believe you.

Outsourcing parenting, once again

I am a music teacher and feel the same as your post. I feel that my results are slipping as less people are prepared to do the required work in between lessons , however they still want to be the very best at what they do.

According to parents it is never the pupils fault they haven't practised and there is always an excuse. If there is never any time to practise (no one has time / you need to make time) you can't expect to be the as fantastic as someone who consistently does practise.