To not understand why parents are so unwilling to take my advice (tutor)?

[rosesinmygarden]

I'm a very experienced tutor and teacher. I tutor students for high stakes exams and have had excellent results and many happy customers for about 15 years.

I offer a lot for my price. Homework, lesson reports, parents' consults, extra resources and advice between sessions as well as years of experience tutoring students in the area. I do all this happily as I want my students to succeed.

Over the past couple of years I've noticed parents are becoming really unwilling to take on my advice. I'm constantly finding that they argue back and become very angry and accusative if I give constructive criticism/advice. They seem less and less willing to support their child or put any effort in, yet want stellar results. This exam requires a team effort for success. An hour a week with a tutor will not guarantee fabulous success for most. And why hire a tutor with my experience, then choose to ignore their advice or even accuse them of having an ulterior motive when they attempt to tell you something you don't want to hear?

I've been accused of all kinds lately and am finding that my results are slipping as a result of this change in attitude. It's really affecting my motivation. I've always loved my job but am finding it quite soul destroying at times lately.

I used to help my granddaughter with homework at primary school and it was a lot more than five minutes!

@VitoBurrito a child like that is not losing his place to hot housed children. The ones that lose their place are the ones like ds' bf from primary who was super smart and did v well at our little village school but who probably didn't even know grammar was an option and who, if he had, would have had to do it himself but didn't have the maturity or get-go to make it happen.

He will be fine. Our primary schools might be average but our high schools are excellent so I expect he will get plenty of 8s and 9s. But
... I suspect he could have done more.

I'm not suggesting there aren't DC who are only tutored for Y5. My DD did no tutoring at all. But it is unusual for DC to take the 11+ without tutoring these days. And I was surprised at how early people start.

It seems to vary a lot. My DD had no homework at Primary until Y6 when after Christmas they were given about half an hour each of Reading, SPAG and Maths per week.

Happens here too. Many parents only pay for private at secondary level if their DC doesn't get into the grammar. Again reducing the chance of poorer DC getting into a good school.

My autistic child struggles with demands in the wrong place or made in the wrong way (studying is for school, home is for dinner, hugs, and reading the same 5 books on repeat). If a workbook comes from me, it's a flat no even though she understands the reason. Sometimes she interprets the work I try to give her as a suggestion that she isn't doing well at school, which sends her perfectionist brain into meltdown. So we've gone for a tutor.

From the outside it probably looks like we're hammering a screaming, unmotivated square peg into a round hole where she'll find the maths hard... except that she's already accessing English and humanities to GCSE level, is teaching herself a language and writes better than most adults. Having visited some of the grammar schools nearby, her eyes lit up when she saw the topics they were covering and heard about the extra curricular activities which really align with her special interests. I absolutely believe she's of the "right academic calibre" to thrive at a grammar school. Her dad (also autistic) can't count either and he's about as academic as you can get.

Unfortunately, the 11+ only assesses a particular range of skills which aren't the ones she's motivated to engage with independently. Perhaps that's the exception rather than the rule but it makes a difficult situation even harder when people imply that we're hothousing her or that she won't be able to thrive in a grammar school. The sad thing is that not every child like her can get the extra help to be able to access a school that could really work for them, and that there isn't always scope to learn at that extended level in a non selective school (certainly not where we live.)

What is the difference between a grammar school and a common or garden secondary? In terms of subjects or anything really?

State grammar schools are academically selective. You have to pass a test to be able to apply for a place.

The tests are normally quite challenging and can include a mixture of Maths, English, Verbal Reasoning and Non Verbal Reasoning. State schools do not generally teach VR and NVR within the curriculum.

It varies, but generally the top 10-20% of students pass the test. Some areas/schools are more or less selective.

Some areas have no grammar schools.

Thank you! I don't think we have that here so it's interesting.

But (sorry for my ignorance), does the state have schools set up for 'academics' and 'others' in that case? Isn't that boxing kids off when they're really young?

Obviously a different slant on things with a child with ASD and clearly you are the best judge of whether your DD will thrive in the school you are thinking of. In my 3 DC's year groups there were some autistic DC who did brilliantly and others who had a horrible time and left. Being academically able is important but it is far from the whole picture even for neurotypical children. Equally as important is whether a child has the robustness and resilience in what can truthfully be quite a pressurised, competitive and regimented environment. In my experience this is more extreme in the girls schools (I have experienced both). Also, even if a DC is a whizz in certain subjects, they are still expected to apply themselves and hit the grades across the board. We knew one DC gifted in Maths but didn't meet the grades to stay for sixth form because he was so one sided in his GCSEs and bombed all the English/humanities subjects he was forced to take.

It depends on the school you are at of course!

Some parents may have an "entitled" attitude perhaps? Maybe they think that if the pay a tutor, that is a guaranteed A* result, woth no further input from them?

My son has a tutor for a year for husband 11+. The tutor made it clear in my initial consultation with her that he would have homework from her and would need to sustain motivation and advised me on how I could help with that.

Maybe such an initial consultation could be used by you to gauge parental support levels, manage expectations, and perhaps you could turn away parents who are looking for a magician with a wand, rather than a tutor?

If only it were that simple.

I do all of this already. I've explained that in multiple previous posts.

Unfortunately parents don't always do everything they say they will. Communication is a major issue, unless they want me to reply to them!

Why don't parents get it that a child needs to practice what they have learned during the lesson? They need to practice a bit every day at home with parental support to do well. What's wrong with people? They don't want to help their children succeed?? An hour a week with a tutor is great but it's it's not enough for the learning to sink in.

Next time ask to see their teaching certificates / degree.

Done more in what respect? From what you are saying he will flourish at your excellent high schools.

I didn't say he'd flourish. I said he'd do well.

That's my point, with better teaching, more focus, more support (because he's not getting it at home), more interest in directing him to the things he's naturally good at etc, he could go anywhere, do anything (or almost). He's smart, absolutely. But he's not the kid who is going to single handedly teach himself enough science to cure cancer. But could he be more/contribute more if he had better schooling, was pushed more etc? I'm sure he could.

It's fine. He's not going to suffer. But my point was that the children who are over tutored get places from children like him, not from children who are just naturally truly brilliant.

Just look at all our political leaders. So many of them are perfectly smart, capable people. But the education they've had have pushed them ahead compared to peers with similar levels of intelligence or, often, more. That's for grammar and private schools.

I would consider implementing or modifying your requirements as part of your employment contract. It needs to state that additional work is required outside of the tutoring session to succeed.

As a parent, I am gobsmacked by the current reliance on tutors. My DD doesn't have a single friend who hasn't used a tutor apart from herself. Partly because of funds, I couldn't afford £80/hour. Partly because she has anxiety and can't bring herself to communicate she is struggling. Instead, I have committed myself to learning vast elements of A Level subject syllabuses and supporting on technique. It has been an exhausting experience (I would have happily paid a tutor for Chemistry 🤣). But, it has highlighted just how little the school has taught on revision technique, how much of the syllabus they missed and how.much reliance on self teaching there is. I think tutors need to be very upfront on this as parents would have no idea!

A recent example would be that I expressed concern that a child was still not understanding a concept we've spent a lot of time on.

What would you want parents to do with that information? Isn't it the reason for you to think that you might be doing something wrong? Any good tutor should have a reflective mindset, blaming parents doesn't lead anywhere.

As I've now said multiple times, I already do this.

Parents either ignore it, tell me I'm wrong, or don't even bother reading information... like some people on here.

Tuition is a team effort. I gave her the information to keep her informed of his progress. A pretty normal and basic expectation of tuition, I'd say!

Communication is important. This includes sharing concerns as part of a bigger conversation.

As you can see from the rest of my post. I was informing the parent of my concern and they chose to say I was wrong.

Mum sent me pictures of the work done at home since I posted this to prove that I was wrong.

She's marked questions correct that are incorrect. His workings also reflect misconceptions. I pointed this out and she again got angry. I then pointed out, calmly, that the method he's used at home is wrong and won't get the correct answer. She then checked the answers and admitted she was a bit lost.

I must point out, this wasn't homework I'd set. It was worksheets she had found on the internet off her own back.

She's now apologized and asked me to work on the concept in his next lesson.

What a pity she assumed I must be wrong initially.

Why wouldn’t it be a real payoff? Why would you assume that the adult’s mental health is poor? Hard work and high expectations don’t translate to mental health issues, in fact I would argue that a lack of direction, lack of parental involvement, and a lack expectations contribute more than sacrifice and achievement does.

I was paying the 11+ tutor to teach things to DDs that I couldn't do myself, either through lack of time time or lack of ability either to teach or to understand the material myself - I am a lawyer so have a post graduate qualification but nearly all the maths was beyond me, I can't do much of the non-verbal reasoning at all, and I even got some of the verbal reasoning wrong when I tried.

As an aside, I did a verbal reasoning exercise for a new job with a top City firm just after helping DD1 with tutor homework and flew through that and got the job - it was much easier than the 11+!

It wouldn't really have helped to give me feedback that a child wasn't getting a concept - surely the tutor's job is to then find another way to teach it. My job as a parent was making sure I paid, that they turned up on time and did the tutor homework.

I wonder if it may be that extracurricular activities like sport and art are done with paid coaches/teachers and, if the child shows talent for it, it's pursued with increased teaching time or actions the child can do themselves, with no or minimal parental involvement. Whereas "encouraging home study" can be a battle and, depending on the age/personality of the child, will require the parent to sit with them, explain concepts, go over their work, talk about what is right/wrong. It's hard work and some parents are already time poor or might have as much trouble as their child understanding the concept.

That's no excuse for those who agree to your terms not then doing what you suggest needs to happen for their child to achieve their aims. I don't know what you can do other than what you have done - sack clients that aren't working out. But will there come a point where it's no longer financially viable for you? Is it worth pivoting to a different type of tutoring, like offering general catch up for children who've missed school due to long-term illness, or subject specific tutoring for all ages who are behind, rather than focusing on the 11+?