Clare’s law application - did I make a mistake?

[Northerngirl345]

I have a friend, let’s call her Susan.

Susan met Brian on a dating app last spring, they were engaged and living together within 8 weeks. There were A LOT of red flags but I tried to ignore these as Susan seemed really happy and was very “swept up” in it all.

As time has gone on, Brian’s behaviour has become more erratic and controlling. His past seems a bit shady…he has a poor relationship with his ex-wife and grown-up daughter.

With this in mind, and with the wedding approaching next month, I made a Clare’s Law application today. My thought was that if I really did have something to worry about, they would tell me and then I’d know whether I should speak to her. They contacted me straight away asking for her mobile number so that they could speak to her.

Now I’m panicking. I’m supposed to be a bridesmaid and I’m worried that Susan will find out it was me and think I’m trying to ruin her happiness.

I don’t know what I thought would happen. She has a little boy and I had to include his details. What if they call the school? What if they tell her it was me? Have I been really daft?

Does anyone have any experience of using the Clare’s Law service? If they call her, what will they say?

The Police will only make a disclosure to the person at risk. They won’t inform you of his history. All of this information is provided when you complete the Claire’s law application and explains how the process works.
If there is anything of concern they will go out in person to speak to her and disclose historic offences and any risks to her. If he poses a risk to her child this will be passed to social services who may also speak with her.
However, if in your application you have disclosed any new offences involving her they will speak to her about this, for example, if you have mentioned any assaults, controlling behaviour etc.

Oh crap. So if I mention things that I know she’s only told me, she’ll be able to put two and two together?

Probably, yes. But it sounds like you may have done her a favour

I think I would tell her what you've done OP. Tell her that the relationship has all happened so quickly, and there were a few things that were worrying you, so you wanted to try and check it out before she was committed by marriage. Explain tha you didn't want to worry her if there was no reason, but unfortunately it's backfired, and now the police want to talk to her. Hopefully if there is some concern then she'll realise that you've done her a massive favour, and if not, hopefully she will realise that you were only trying to protect her out of a place of love and friendship. She may well be snippy about it initially, but if your friendship is a strong one, hopefully she'll see that you intended no harm. I must admit I almost hope that there is something and that this will vindicate you, but if not, at least it should reassure her.

I think I’d be honest with her.

Tell her you love her and that you’re prepared to be the villain of the piece if it means that she’s safe. And if she can’t forgive you, then you understand, but you’ll be there for her when she’s ready to escape.

Honestly it's more important that she knows and whilst it is hard to hear that she may dislike you for it. You know deep down you trusted your gut and done the right thing and hopefully she will see that even in time. I think you need to put aside your feelings about being the one to have done it and see that there must be something the police need to tell her and that you've protected her and her child.

What if they call the school? What if they tell her it was me? Have I been really daft?

What if this saves her life?
You’ve done the right thing. It might not feel like it at the moment but you have. More women need friends like you.

I think you’ve done the right thing too and you should be honest.

F

you did the right thing

You've been a very good friend and if she is upset hopefully with time she will see you had her best interests at heart. You might have done her a huge favour

But surely if there’s nothing to disclose then they won’t even contact her? So if they do contact her then you’ve clearly done the right thing.

Agree with @GoneFishingToday and @Whothefuckdoesthat and how they have worded things- tell her.

Exactly. And with a child to think of what you've done may make all the difference to them both.

The trouble is that everything for everybody around someone like this becomes hard choices and difficulties.
As soon as you have a dangerous person who also wants the nice things in life like a caring partner etc but doesn't earn the privelage and actually it's highly likely to put that very person and their child at risk, then everyone, everyone is in the shit pit with them.
If you stood back and did nothing you'd have to watch an 8 year old child and his mum have their safety and peace of mind dismantled.
If you act, like you have, there's a chance the brakes might still go on.

I think you've done a brave and scary but right thing. You're a great friend.

What you're experiencing now is the emotions of worry about how she'll react etc .. but there is no way forward for anyone who cares about her and her son that doesn't involve worry - this is because the real cause of all this, has her snared.

Have you already talked to her at all? 'all a bit fast' etc?
Would be good to tell her what you've done so you can give her a way out... How she could postpone the wedding while she has time to think etc. How she shouldn't discuss it with him until she's had chance to take it in.

Tell her you are scared you'll lose her but would rather that happened through giving her what she needs to know than slowly if she is cut off by him, you're not trying to spoil her happiness you're scared for her .

Tell her you expect she'll be angry but remember it was done with love. Ask her to talk with someone else she knows loves her if she doesn't want to talk to you for w while, like her mum who someone she trusts.

I work in social care and this comes up quite a lot about family members and friends asking about making a Claire's law request. This 7 minute briefing is helpful in understanding the process.

If there was no risk of harm to her, the police would not want to speak to her.

Personally, I would not let her know until after the police have spoken to her - she may be so wrapped up in this guy that she avoids their calls if she knows they are coming.

But I would be honest with her when she does come to you after their call. As a good friend you were worried for her and her child. Better to do something now than when it's much harder from her to extricate herself with a divorce.

They won't contact her purely based on your concerns about his current behaviour unless he has a history, which he clearly does.

Have you tried typing his name into Google?

Good point!!!

OP, as scary as it is for your friendship you need to let them talk to her. Be prepared to be honest with her when she tells you, and say you weren’t aware they would contact her, you were just worried for her and her son and looking out for them.

@HysteriaOfTheWanderingWomb where did you get that the child is 8 years old? The OP hasn't mentioned the age of her son.

You’re a good friend to have OP.

Your right! Crikey. Can I blame too early? 🤣

Think I conflated two separate threads. Sorry op.

Too late to edit.

Ignore my mention of child!

You've done the right thing. Just wait for her to come to you then explain why you did. If you speak with the police again ask them what they will say about who applied for the disclosure