Clare’s law application - did I make a mistake?

[Northerngirl345]

I have a friend, let’s call her Susan.

Susan met Brian on a dating app last spring, they were engaged and living together within 8 weeks. There were A LOT of red flags but I tried to ignore these as Susan seemed really happy and was very “swept up” in it all.

As time has gone on, Brian’s behaviour has become more erratic and controlling. His past seems a bit shady…he has a poor relationship with his ex-wife and grown-up daughter.

With this in mind, and with the wedding approaching next month, I made a Clare’s Law application today. My thought was that if I really did have something to worry about, they would tell me and then I’d know whether I should speak to her. They contacted me straight away asking for her mobile number so that they could speak to her.

Now I’m panicking. I’m supposed to be a bridesmaid and I’m worried that Susan will find out it was me and think I’m trying to ruin her happiness.

I don’t know what I thought would happen. She has a little boy and I had to include his details. What if they call the school? What if they tell her it was me? Have I been really daft?

Does anyone have any experience of using the Clare’s Law service? If they call her, what will they say?

Before Claire's Law legislation was put in place I knew of a couple where the husband would regularly beat his wife up and was in prison for it. His wife was on breakfast TV being interviewed after it.

Then I found out one of my best friend's was seeing this man, and had just had her first young baby. I didn't tell her, but I could tell, when I saw them, he'd moved in with her like straightaway (red flag) that he knew that I knew. I think she saw the breakfast TV interview with his ex wife or was told about it. My friend had been in relationships with violent men before.

I'd definitely do a Claire's Law application now.

In your case, I'd be honest with her. She'll either call off the wedding or get married regardless but at least you know you did the right thing.

So it’s not entirely clear to me but is it the case that the police would ONLY contact her if there is something to disclose?

you have 100% done the right thing but in all honesty I wouldn’t tell her. She needs someone who she perceives to be on ‘her side’. She may minimise or get defensive or not believe the police. Message her as normal and hope that she brings it up to you

I am probably wrong but I'm sure I've read this thread before, even down to the same names. Either way hopefully I am wrong and it looks like you're getting the right advice 💛

What made you think they would contact you and tell you the information? It's pretty clear that they only contact the person who is in the relationship. You have one the right thing of course but I suspect that your friend wont act upon the information and wont even tell you about it.....

When I was a teenager, I was working in a hairdressers and had started a new relationship. One day the salon owner pulled me to one side to express that he was worried about me and had noticed a change in me since I began my relationship. I was angry and mortified and ended up leaving my job. After 10 years, suffering emotional, physical, financial and sexual abuse. I went through a long and difficult separation that involved courts, restraining orders and several more years to put myself back together. I look back now and get really overwhelmed when I think of that conversation with my boss, in the salon staffroom - and even though I didn't take his advice, I will forever have a huge amount of love and gratitude for that man. Makes me tear up just thinking about it!

You did the right thing, and if your friend doesn't realise it now, or next month - she will one day.

You're the best kind of friend a person could have

You did the right thing. Don’t let your embarrassment stop you now

You have done the right thing. There is nothing to say someone from his past became aware and made a call. Say nothing. At the very least unnecessary paperwork was conducted up to you potentially saving lives.

Sit with it remain calm, let the system work.

Maybe they just needed her details as it was missing from the form?

https://www.kingston.gov.uk/downloads/file/552/clare-s-law-7mb#:~:text=Who%20has%20a%20right%20to,affairs%20with%20several%20other%20women.

Here it is.

Bless your former boss! That's a difficult conversation to have with a member of your team. Did you ever talk to him after everything was over?

We need more people to speak out. I wish I had. My mum suffered 30 plus years of an abusive relationship. He's now dying and in nursing care but she's still not free yet. She is now 76. It appalls me how much she has lost, such as precious time with her grandchildren, due to being at the beck and call of an abusive coercive controller. That has been half of her life to this point. What a terrible waste

OP you have done the right thing 100%. Very brave. You have done what you could and now it's up to her and the police to continue the conversation.

Hoping for a good outcome here.

I would rather lose my friend than know I stood by and did nothing to keep her safe. Thinking of you.

Just listening to this, by coincidence.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m001y10v

Trigger warming - domestic abuse/homicide.

I agree, done absolutely the right thing. Pass her number onto the police and then I’ll talk to her after they’ve spoken to her

Of course you did the right thing. Better this than risking her and her child being in danger

Firstly, you have not been really daft. You've been a very good friend! He's likely been love bombing her and she's totally oblivious to the red flags he's giving out.

It's better to be sad that you might upset her and damage your friendship, than discover only too late that he's an abuser when he's harmed her or her child.

It could be that their first call to her will be just to ask for more information from her, or it could be that they believe she's in pressing danger by being with him.

They shouldn't give out the details of who's made the application and (being a chicken!) I wouldn't necessarily offer the information up. If she asked me if it was me I'd admit it though.

Ultimately you've done the right thing for the right reasons, so please don't think otherwise.

Your intention was good. That’s all that matters. You’ve been brave.

You’ve potentially saved her life, and her/her son from many years of abuse. If she finds out and is mad at you well that’s worth losing a friend over. Be proud of following your instincts and making that call.

Your intention was well meant, and, if there is found to be no problem, then no harm has been done. On the other hand, you may have saved your friend a lot of stress and misery in the future. You may have to accept that there might be a bit of "shoot the messenger", but you did the right thing.

YOu've done the right thing.

She should have done it herself with a young child in the picture.

I agree. Shows you care. Remember how many women died last year from domestic violence.

I was in abusive relationship and I would not have appreciated this op.

Not saying what you've done isn't the right thing.

Say nothing.

It could have come from anyone. I wouldn't confess to being the one who made the application.

At the end of the day, if it safeguards her child, it's a good thing.