Clare’s law application - did I make a mistake?

[Northerngirl345]

I have a friend, let’s call her Susan.

Susan met Brian on a dating app last spring, they were engaged and living together within 8 weeks. There were A LOT of red flags but I tried to ignore these as Susan seemed really happy and was very “swept up” in it all.

As time has gone on, Brian’s behaviour has become more erratic and controlling. His past seems a bit shady…he has a poor relationship with his ex-wife and grown-up daughter.

With this in mind, and with the wedding approaching next month, I made a Clare’s Law application today. My thought was that if I really did have something to worry about, they would tell me and then I’d know whether I should speak to her. They contacted me straight away asking for her mobile number so that they could speak to her.

Now I’m panicking. I’m supposed to be a bridesmaid and I’m worried that Susan will find out it was me and think I’m trying to ruin her happiness.

I don’t know what I thought would happen. She has a little boy and I had to include his details. What if they call the school? What if they tell her it was me? Have I been really daft?

Does anyone have any experience of using the Clare’s Law service? If they call her, what will they say?

Please don’t say anything ! You’ve done the right thing but this man may come after you if not now at some point in the future.

The trouble is that everything for everybody around someone like this becomes hard choices and difficulties.

I agree with the poster who said the above - everyone is affected by friends like this . Personally I had to let go of a friend for this reason as I felt at risk from her most recent dangerous choices such as remaining with a sex offender even after she found out. I helped alert her to the fact he was cheating on her too and she still stayed. He eventually broke up with her after violence occurred (i asked him to leave after he punched her and he did eventually) but I decided not to stick around in the friendship for future drama since this seemed to be every other guy she dated and I’d had to involve myself far too much over a period of ten years. And the fact that it was him who left her, and not the other way around, showed me she hadn’t really grown or learnt her lesson..again. She would have clung on to this violent sex offender forever if he’d let her. Next guy she was with I heard was a drug dealer.

I hope she’s doing well now but I was done with it all, and had to do what was right for me. If you are able to stay quiet I suggest that’s what you do 🤫

This will be one of those stories where she falls out with you big time, cuts you off completely, then years later when she’s broken free from the relationship she will come to you, hopefully with an apology. You did the right thing, she’ll see that for herself eventually

Absolutely do not tell her it was you.
Of course you did the right thing, well done

I'd think if the police were contacting her there must be a reason, unless anything you've told them about him and her is potentially criminal or suggests risk and they are now wanting to speak to her about that? Anyway you must have had good reason to feel this way and have bravely acted on your instincts

An excellent post.

You done the right thing for your friend,she may fall out with you but your looking out for your friend and one day she will realise that.

You are a good friend
You have 100% done the right thing.

My thought was that if I really did have something to worry about, they would tell me and then I’d know whether I should speak to her.

No offence to you OP - but this is exactly why the police contact the affected person directly and not the person who reports.

Someone else doesn’t get to be the arbitrator of what gets told, or what’s “serious enough” to disclose - or withhold.

id Not tell your friend it was you. She’s weeks away from the wedding - that I would say will 95% will still go ahead. You want to be around to pick up the pieces when it’s needed later on.

yes they may disclose what has been told . Did you mention to them that you did not want them knowing it was you ? They may be able to just say they have had an application made with concerns . They won’t disclose to you , only to the partner.

I know this is very uncomfortable for you but the fact they called you back so quick may mean there is things that she needs to know. In this case you being the villain and maybe having your friendship end could actually protect her and her child in the long run

@Northerngirl345 there are so many instances where people don't do anything about a concern because they assume someone else will. And noone does anything.... and then it's too late.
You have done something

She may be glad of an intervention - I was - I couldn't get out of my predicament but was glad I had 2 people literally save me.

Please just give her number it doesn’t matter if she never talks to you again. If you have an opportunity to save her life take it. I only found out my partner was a lunatic and would harm me through an ‘innocent’ conversation I wish I had done Claire law earlier

You have done the right thing. I was in a similar situation to your friend, and I wished someone had done what you have done. I just hope she takes the information they give her seriously and doesn’t chose to ignore it.

When you do a Claire's law no information gets shared with you, it goes directly to the woman you are concerned about. I don't think that they will mention your name so don't worry about that. You have done the right thing. Maybe this man shouldn't be around children and you bringing it to light could safeguard the family. Also worth mentioning it can set false sense of security, just because someone hasn't been reported doesn't mean they aren't/haven't been abusive.

Hopefully they’ll only contact her if they have info on him.

I’ve got a similar story, I haven’t done Claire’s Law before but social services were involved with my sister & her kids due to domestic violence. I was an alternative contact for school/social services so I had the details of the social worker. The kids were under a protection order & my sister had to stay away from the man she was seeing. I found out that she continued seeing him & having him around her kids. I made the decision to inform social services & it blew things apart. HOWEVER I was willing to be the villain if it kept my sister & her kids safe. She absolutely hated me for doing it & didn’t talk to me for over a year. However now we’re a few years down the line we’re completely back to normal & our relationship is great. She’s admitted that I was right to make the call & she knows it was out of love for her & the kids.

Shes now told us the full extent of the relationship, how controlling it was, the incidents of DV & what he did to her & what he did in front of the kids etc. and how’s she’s grateful that I made a choice she wasn’t able to. I’d do it again for her or for any of my friends etc even if it meant I lost the relationship. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened & I didn’t do anything. I know it’s not the same situation but you have to think about could have happened if you didn’t step in. You could have saved her life ❤️

I think you need to tell her so that she knows that the concern came from a trusted friend and its not a jealous ex trying to get revenge for a break-up, for example. What if she tells him that police contacted her and asked probing questions? He'll spin it. What if he doesn't have a DV record but is still an abuser? He could use that to gaslight her and take his anger out on her?

You've done the right thing. It's scary but you have. If she doesn't thank you immediately she will one day!

She deserves to know if he is possibly dangerous. And if he is, she can’t be annoyed at you thinking he is because he is.

I wouldn’t necessarily tell my friend that it was me who contacted the police. Partly because she may tell the man in question. In a way it’s irrelevant who did contact the police. Plus YOU are also entitled to anonymity and protection. (Maybe I’d admit it later down the line if they are clearly no longer together.)

Name changed as this could be outting.

A friend of mine did this awhile ago for their DD. They were concerned about new partner. They were proven correct and the police attended.
Unfortunately the D stuck by him and abandoned her children. God knows if there is anyway to rebuild their relationships if the D ever sees sense and returns.

But I'm sure if you asked my friend if she would do what she did again the answer would be yes. Because although the outcome wasn't what she hoped for at least her grandchildren are physically safe and well.

My fear is she won't want to "hear" it & won't believe the information she receives. No doubt, she will tell him before she tells you, OP. He will, ofcourse have an explanation about the crazy, vindictive, spiteful ex who lies... you know the story. Be prepared that your friend won't be ready for the truth.

Your friend might be relieved. When you’re stuck in an abusive relationship, often you can’t see the wood for the trees.

I really wish someone had done that for me. Everyone knew and everyone just watched me drown. If someone had reached out, I would have grabbed that lifeline.

Whatever happens, you have been an amazing friend. If you hadn’t done this and something had happened to her, that would be horrendous.

As a prior victim of DV I disagree with those saying "be honest with her".

NO.

First of all people caught up in DV who are in love can feel like everyone is out to ruin their happiness or they just don't know the whole story etc. Abusive people GROOM their victims. IF the guy is abusive, and the friend knows whow made the inquiry, she many inadvertently tell the guy which then makes OP a target and puts her in harms way. Abusive people often try to distance their love interest / victim from friends. DO NOT TELL HER.

Call the police or domestic violence hotline and ask THEM before you do anything else.

Thanks so much everyone. I feel a million times better.

Not to intentionally drip feed but part of my issue is that we work together and I was worried that the fall out might affect us both.

As everyone has said, my plan is to let it all play out and not admit to anything. Especially as I suspect that she will forgive his past misdemeanours as his ex was “crazy” and he has had a “tough life”.

I just want her to be happy, but as someone who spent years in a controlling and, at times, violent relationship - I saw something in him that I don’t trust and my gut (as well as the mounting evidence) wouldn’t let it lie.