Clare’s law application - did I make a mistake?

[Northerngirl345]

I have a friend, let’s call her Susan.

Susan met Brian on a dating app last spring, they were engaged and living together within 8 weeks. There were A LOT of red flags but I tried to ignore these as Susan seemed really happy and was very “swept up” in it all.

As time has gone on, Brian’s behaviour has become more erratic and controlling. His past seems a bit shady…he has a poor relationship with his ex-wife and grown-up daughter.

With this in mind, and with the wedding approaching next month, I made a Clare’s Law application today. My thought was that if I really did have something to worry about, they would tell me and then I’d know whether I should speak to her. They contacted me straight away asking for her mobile number so that they could speak to her.

Now I’m panicking. I’m supposed to be a bridesmaid and I’m worried that Susan will find out it was me and think I’m trying to ruin her happiness.

I don’t know what I thought would happen. She has a little boy and I had to include his details. What if they call the school? What if they tell her it was me? Have I been really daft?

Does anyone have any experience of using the Clare’s Law service? If they call her, what will they say?

You are absolutely doing the right thing. You've taken what steps you can to protect your friend and her children, now protect yourself.

My mother did this “move in after 2 months” nonsense. Twice. First one was a child molester, second one was (just) a physically and mentally abusive bully. Two of the many reasons I haven’t had anything to do with her for 20 years.

@Northerngirl345 you did the right thing. I was that child and I wish someone had done this for me. Maybe my mother would have listened to someone in authority.

You did the right thing. That they want to speak to her seems to say there is something concerning. You are a good friend.

I did this. Didn’t trust my friend’s boyfriend, had reason to be suspicious etc. Did Clare’s Law and never heard anything again. Years later, she told us she’d had a big falling out with her boyfriend because years previously the police had contacted her and had her come to the station. At that point, she still didn’t know who and when she finally told him he was extremely hurt.

I thought she’d either find out something and leave him, or never be any the wiser. I didn’t think there’d be a disclosure and she’d shrug it off. She knows it was me now, and they’re separated, although for nothing to do with Clare’s Law. I still think I was right that something wrong was happening.

Sadly I used Clare’s law with my son
as I am worried about his partner
the police didn’t come back to me but knocked directly on their door.
nightmare!
hope you have better luck

Can you let us know how it pans out OP so we all know how Claire's Law operates in real life please.

Good luck, you've done the right thing

Clare's Law does work.

I made an application a few years ago on behalf of a friend whose new boyfriend had chatted her up with comments like "I only went to prison the first time because she bruised so easily" and "the second time I went to prison was only because she got the police to lie about me and anyway it was only a broken jaw"

My friend was completely enamoured to him and as she'd just come out of a long loveless and sexless marriage, she was so incredibly happy and grateful that someone wanted to sleep with her that she'd herself said she was prepared to overlook those comments and his (her words) "funny things that turn him on" like gripping her round the neck during sex and pushing her around.

She moved him in within a few weeks despite having 2 kids under 13 at home.

Within 36 hrs of me submitting the application they had paid her a visit and gone through his extensive list of previous violent convictions against women. Turns out that he'd got previous for threats to kill a partner.

She and the kids were given help to escape.

You've made the right decision to not tip her off about this, as if she is so in his thrall then she will tell him and he will go on the offensive and probably get angry and violent as a result.

She was really cross with me. It was only when it was spelled out in terms that we'd rather see her kids grow up with her alive and around than for them to have to identify her on a mortuary slab that she finally realised the risk she'd been under.

I think you're doing exactly the right thing in now telling her. As others have said, if you do tell her it gives her the opportunity to not answer the call. She'll also probably tell him and he may isolate her further from friends and family.

He is still my hairdresser to this day! Thankfully because of the general dynamics of the salon, we were all very much friends rather than colleagues. But of all the adults in my life back then, he was the only one to clock on and speak to me. I love him dearly for it although he is very dismissive of how meaningful the interaction was 😂 a very no nonsense type of guy and worth his weight in gold!

@Onthebrink87 😍

Further update: the police called me this morning and said they were going to visit her today at 4pm. I don’t think they have as yet (she just been texting me about looking forward to her holiday next week) but I assume they will soon. When they called, the officer was really lovely and reassuring about the fact that I’d done the right thing and that they wouldn’t give away any details that might give a clue it was me.

So now I feel like I’ve done my “bit” and everything else is out of my hands. Which is good.

You’ve done a good thing, OP

@Northerngirl345 that’s amazing - I’m so pleased. Well done 👏

Now you need to practice your poker face for when she starts talking about the police visit.

Well done OP. No matter how the friendship goes you've done the right thing.

I'm so pleased that the Officer was reassuring and they've taken the situation seriously.

Definitely get practicing that Poker Face.

Well done OP.

You’ve clearly done the right thing OP - there is obviously something the police need to tell your friend. They wouldn’t waste time going over if there was nothing to say!

If people like you don't report using the available tools, people like him get away with it- repeatedly. Well done. Your spidey senses are clearly well honed.

Well done, OP. Clearly there's enough of 'something' there for the police to be visiting her, in person, so quickly. Hope she listens to them.

No matter the outcome OP, you have been a true friend. Thank you for the update.

She's got a diamond in you

You did the right thing.

the right is not always easy though.

youre a good friend.

What an absolutely amazing friend you are. You can rest easy tonight OP knowing you have done your bit to protect your friend

You're a lovely friend. Even if she finds out it was you or you end up telling her and she kicks off try not to take it personally. You did the right thing and no doubt one day she will appreciate it, whether it's now or later.

I'd love to have you in my corner.

@Onthebrink87 That's so wonderful to hear. And I love that he's your hairdresser! That's made my day, that has.