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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Clare’s law application - did I make a mistake?

162 replies

Northerngirl345 · 18/06/2024 23:15

I have a friend, let’s call her Susan.

Susan met Brian on a dating app last spring, they were engaged and living together within 8 weeks. There were A LOT of red flags but I tried to ignore these as Susan seemed really happy and was very “swept up” in it all.

As time has gone on, Brian’s behaviour has become more erratic and controlling. His past seems a bit shady…he has a poor relationship with his ex-wife and grown-up daughter.

With this in mind, and with the wedding approaching next month, I made a Clare’s Law application today. My thought was that if I really did have something to worry about, they would tell me and then I’d know whether I should speak to her. They contacted me straight away asking for her mobile number so that they could speak to her.

Now I’m panicking. I’m supposed to be a bridesmaid and I’m worried that Susan will find out it was me and think I’m trying to ruin her happiness.

I don’t know what I thought would happen. She has a little boy and I had to include his details. What if they call the school? What if they tell her it was me? Have I been really daft?

Does anyone have any experience of using the Clare’s Law service? If they call her, what will they say?

OP posts:
Mummyofthewildones · 19/06/2024 07:11

You have done the right thing. 💐

Beautifulbythebay · 19/06/2024 07:18

You could have saved 2 lives op. Have no regrets.

MargotEmin · 19/06/2024 07:19

Other than the speed of the relationship what are the behaviours that made you feel concerned? I think this is one of those times when you need to trust your instinct.

user1984778379202 · 19/06/2024 08:22

You have done the right thing, but you should tell her. She may not react well, with the wedding being so close, but somewhere down the line she will thank you for worrying about her enough to do this.

Nottherealslimshady · 19/06/2024 08:37

If there was no risk they wouldn't want to speak to her. She may never speak to you again. But that's worth it if it protects her and her child from a dangerous man.

pastaandpesto · 19/06/2024 08:52

I definitely would NOT speak to her before the police do. If she has moved a man who is essentially a complete stranger in to live with her and her child, she has obviously lost all judgement. She'll almost certainly tell him immediately, giving him the chance to get his side of the story in first, and she will want to, and probably will, believe him, and won't listen to what the police have to say with an open mind. Leave it to the police who will (hopefully) be trained in managing this exact scenario.

You have absolutely done the right thing BTW. You may be feeling uncertain right now, but compare that to how you would feel if you'd hesitated, changed your mind, and then harm had come to her or her child.

SebastianFlytesTrousers · 19/06/2024 08:54

Allow them to contact her first. As another person commented, if she's wrapped up in this guy and knows that she may be contacted, she might avoid any calls or maybe even worse - try to confront her partner about it and if he is a significant risk, who knows how he might react toward her?

You have absolutely done the right thing (I'm assuming you did give them her mobile number when asked)?

MsMajeika · 19/06/2024 08:55

From what you've said, my concern is that she will stick with him no matter what the police tell her, and you will never know what they actually disclose.
I really hope she takes heed.

AppleStruddle123 · 19/06/2024 08:55

You may lose your friend but you may have prevented something much more terrible happening.

I hope she sees sense and doesn’t “stand by her man” like some do 😱🙄

WhileIBreathIHope · 19/06/2024 09:00

Your poll isn’t clear, so I would ignore the vote.

You have done the right thing. The police wouldn’t be interested in contacting her unless they have other information from prior incidents that cause concern.

I doubt they will tell her who has made the Clare’s Law application.

You have absolutely and completely done the right thing. Let the police deal with it from here.

duchessofsilk · 19/06/2024 09:01

Hopefully, she will listen to what the police have to say but I think you may have to be prepared to lose her if she wont. That doesnt mean what you did was wrong- it was the right thing to do. However, men like this are masters at manipulation and if he gaslights her into believing it was unfair and he was the victim she may choose his side.

Just be prepared is all. Sometimes we have to make hard choices, doesnt mean they were the wrong ones.

DracoDormiensNumquamTittilandum · 19/06/2024 09:01

Northerngirl345 · 18/06/2024 23:37

Oh crap. So if I mention things that I know she’s only told me, she’ll be able to put two and two together?

They will only disclose his past relevant history, they won't tell her what you told them. If she works out it was you who made the application she might be cross but she's only going to find out about the application if he has a history to disclose. You've still done the right thing.

boombang · 19/06/2024 09:04

milkysmum · 19/06/2024 06:31

I work in social care and this comes up quite a lot about family members and friends asking about making a Claire's law request. This 7 minute briefing is helpful in understanding the process.

that is totally unreadable, can you summarise please?

MrRydersParlourGame · 19/06/2024 09:07

pastaandpesto · 19/06/2024 08:52

I definitely would NOT speak to her before the police do. If she has moved a man who is essentially a complete stranger in to live with her and her child, she has obviously lost all judgement. She'll almost certainly tell him immediately, giving him the chance to get his side of the story in first, and she will want to, and probably will, believe him, and won't listen to what the police have to say with an open mind. Leave it to the police who will (hopefully) be trained in managing this exact scenario.

You have absolutely done the right thing BTW. You may be feeling uncertain right now, but compare that to how you would feel if you'd hesitated, changed your mind, and then harm had come to her or her child.

All of this. Well done. You've done the best you could do in a very difficult situation.

Foxblue · 19/06/2024 09:07

You need to look at it this way OP. If, God forbid - something horrendous did happen to her or her child because of this man, you would live with it the rest of your life knowing that you were concerned but did nothing. If she hates you and cuts you off, she will have to explain to people why. Yes, it runs the risk of her isolating herself further, but abuse thrives in secrecy.

Ellie1015 · 19/06/2024 09:09

You have done the right thing. Friend may be upset initially but in the long run she will appreciate it.

Even if it causes problems between you I would rather that than do nothing and then she gets married without all of the information and something bad happens.

NoBinturongsHereMate · 19/06/2024 09:09

milkysmum · 19/06/2024 06:31

I work in social care and this comes up quite a lot about family members and friends asking about making a Claire's law request. This 7 minute briefing is helpful in understanding the process.

That looks really useful, but is too blurred to read..Are you able to link to the original?

Mumof2heroes · 19/06/2024 09:13

You did the right thing. Imagine how you'd feel if you didn't act on your instincts and something horrendous happened to your friend.

WeeOrcadian · 19/06/2024 09:16

You did the right thing and you're a good friend

The police wouldn't want to call her if there wasn't a concern

You've possibly saved her life

MySpi · 19/06/2024 09:20

@Northerngirl345
in a previous role I was the person who would call and give over the info for Claire’s law.
They will tell her his previous history they have on record relating to violence or DA, and offer support. I don’t think I ever gave over info on hearsay only convictions and what was registered on the system etc.
TBH don’t feel too guilty about this, if they have enough info to contact her then they might have eventually contacted her under their own steam anyway once they have intel that a DA perp is with someone new under the right to know.
So I wouldn’t feel pressured to tell her it’s you that made the call.

Abeona · 19/06/2024 09:20

My initial reaction would be 'don't ask, don't tell'. I wouldn't tell her unless she asked directly.

Why? Because if you say anything she may well channel her dismay in your direction: 'You were always jealous of how much he loves me', 'You couldn't bear to see how happy he made me' and that will take the focus off him and provide an excuse for her to ignore whatever it is the police want to warn her about. Things will become all about you and allow him to slide out of the spotlight.

Secondly, when it all goes wrong she'll need a good friend like you to turn to.

Obviously if she asked me outright if it was me I'd say yes.

How will you cope if she decides to keep this information a secret and goes ahead with the wedding, with you expected to pretend all is well? Could you do that or do you need to provoke a bust-up in order to get out of the wedding? I couldn't have smiled sweetly while watching a friend marrying someone that gave me the creeps. Difficult one, OP. You did the right thing, by the way — perhaps a little late in the day, but better late than never.

theemmadilemma · 19/06/2024 09:25

NoBinturongsHereMate · 19/06/2024 09:09

That looks really useful, but is too blurred to read..Are you able to link to the original?

Show quote history

https://www.kingston.gov.uk/downloads/file/552/clare-s-law-7mb

https://www.kingston.gov.uk/downloads/file/552/clare-s-law-7mb

LakeTiticaca · 19/06/2024 09:35

I think you are going to have to fess up. There is obviously a problem with this guy if they have rang you asking fr her details

ByUmberCrow · 19/06/2024 09:41

Don’t feel guilty, OP - your friend may not realise it at first, but you have done the bravest, kindest thing possible.

I’ve been in an abusive relationship and now that I’m out the other side of it, I only wish someone had taken steps like this to help me see sooner that the situation wasn’t normal.