Clare’s law application - did I make a mistake?

[Northerngirl345]

I have a friend, let’s call her Susan.

Susan met Brian on a dating app last spring, they were engaged and living together within 8 weeks. There were A LOT of red flags but I tried to ignore these as Susan seemed really happy and was very “swept up” in it all.

As time has gone on, Brian’s behaviour has become more erratic and controlling. His past seems a bit shady…he has a poor relationship with his ex-wife and grown-up daughter.

With this in mind, and with the wedding approaching next month, I made a Clare’s Law application today. My thought was that if I really did have something to worry about, they would tell me and then I’d know whether I should speak to her. They contacted me straight away asking for her mobile number so that they could speak to her.

Now I’m panicking. I’m supposed to be a bridesmaid and I’m worried that Susan will find out it was me and think I’m trying to ruin her happiness.

I don’t know what I thought would happen. She has a little boy and I had to include his details. What if they call the school? What if they tell her it was me? Have I been really daft?

Does anyone have any experience of using the Clare’s Law service? If they call her, what will they say?

Hopefully this is clearer.

Don't tell her, take that secret to your grave!

I was in a similar quandary a few years ago when I made the application about my sister in law's new boyfriend. They assured me that, if there were anything to disclose, they would only tell her of any relevant details on his criminal record. There would be no way to trace it back to me. Also, they wouldn't tell me if they made contact with her.

They did contact her - all it did was prompt an angry Facebook post from her - saying she wished people would mind their own business. She stayed with him, despite the risk to her children. Social services were involved from there on.

She never knew it was me, although I was clearly one of a few 'suspects'. She never tried to find out who it was though, I think deep down she knew it was done with her best interests in mind, but she couldn't openly admit that. If she had known for sure that it was me, she would probably never have spoken to me again, as she would have to be seen to be "standing by her man".

They split up eventually, after he was convicted of another offence.

I would do it again in a heartbeat. You've definitely done the right thing. If there is something of concern on record then, even if she stays with him, at least she'll have her eyes open and have the information she needs to protect her child.

www.safeguardingpartnership.org.uk/learn/7mbs/

You could have saved her life, and either way you will be putting the seed into her head (if they contact her with worries) and she will be more on the look out. That child needs protecting and I would gladly ruin any of my friendships to try protect a friend

Exactly what @GoneFishingToday said.

it seems like your worrying a lot about 'being found out' and not very much about what he may have done.

I Hope that's not the reality & just how it's coming across.

@Northerngirl345 i would immediately be worried if they had phoned me immediately to get her contact number!! you did the correct thing. it doesnt matter that it may or may not be the end of the friendship but it is better that nother befalls her at the hands of her partner!

You’ve done the right thing Op . It’s normal to feel worried about potential confrontation and your relationship with your friend . Keep quiet unless she raises it for support and let it play out .

OP you 100% did the right thing for her little boy.

I wouldn't admit to her that I did the request and if she came to me about it I would say that someone is obviously very concerned for her and her child and ask is there anything to be worried about and how I could provide support to her to leave and be safe.

If you tell her what you did, you make yourself the "enemy" of this relationship and take the focus off what this guy has done, be an ally not an enemy.

Don't tell her! She might suspect but she won't know who did it.

👏👏👏👏

You did the right thing @Northerngirl345 can't add anything that's not already been said but I hope she one day realises you've been amazing to her, not trying to spoil her fun.

Sorry you're in this situation x

I think you should relax: they will not be responding to the things you’ve stated as grounds for your concern - this is what justifies your application but won;t be disclosed to your friend.

They will be responding to the fact that he already has a criminal record that indicates he is a risk - and the fact that they’ve responded quickly is concerning. They will simply reach out to say that they have been made aware that she is in a relationship with Person X and, given she also has a child, it was deemed urgent and essential that they make contact and apprise her of his past.

Take a deep breath and reassure yourself that you have clearly done the right thing but trusting your instincts and taking a brave action to protect your friend and her child.

If your friendship is over but you have saved her from possible abuse or worse I think you've still done the right thing. If she can't see you did it with the best of intentions then unfortunately there's not much you can do about it

This

It's going to be difficult and she'll probably shoot the messenger, but with a child involved I'm not sure tyou had much choice - somebody had to care enough to enquire, and sorry but moving in an unknown so quickly with a child in the house already shows an appalling lack of judgement on her part

well you might just have saved her life. If she ends the friendship over this, it wasn't a friendship worth anything.

100% this.
You sound like a very good friend. Better to do this now if there’s a risk of escalation.

My understanding is that they initially call the person in relationship with person being checked out, regardless of who did the application, to check that they are in fact in a relationship, to ask questions such as DOB addresses etc, then the police kick off the searches, which can take up to 28 days.

I have done this quite recently too. A friend had opened up around Christmas time about her relationship being emotionally and financially abusive, and I happened to be with her while he was texting her and threatening to kill himself if she didn't answer the phone etc... so I googled him - and found out he had a conviction for domestic assault from a year or so before they met online. He is hot and cold with her, she has given him thousands of pounds and bought/paid for things for him, when she doesn't have much herself. Luckily he lives 45 mins away and doesn't drive so their lives are fairly separate.

She knew about his conviction but had never told our friend group, and believed his narrative that he 'just signed the statement without reading it'. He was fined and had to do community service.

They had been seeing each other for just over 2 years at this point, but finding out about the conviction worried me (as it would!), so I did a Clare's Law application. The whole process took around 2 1/2 months, and at the end of it the police called me to ask for my friends contact details as they needed to speak with her, and obviously couldn't disclose to me what it was about.

When I first made the application I didn't know for sure they would contact her or that she already knew about his conviction, I only found out part way through the process so I told the police at that point when they came to see me that she was aware, therefore I can only assume there is more to his record.

After I had given her contact details to the police I told her the next time I saw her to expect a call, turns out they had already been in contact with her. She was very upset with me, said I had gone behind her back and was 'sneaky'...which honestly broke my heart as I would want any of friends to have done the same if it was me. We are okay now but still not quite how we used to be.

At the end of it all she chose not to hear what the police have to say, there is the option for her to contact them if/when she wants to know, but for the moment she has completely bought into his narrative for everything it seems.

I haven't brought it up with her again since, but have told her I will support and be there for her no matter what. I just have to hope she will be okay in the meantime, but I would do it again in a heartbeat.

You've done the right thing. If they ask just keep denying it was you if you're worried about reprisals from him. It could have been someone else you told for all they know or someone who's heard or seen something. The fact the police immediately contacted you for her number suggests you were definitely right to be concerned

I meant to add that during the initial call they won’t say that it is a Claire’s law request, they just get some details and say that if there is anything further they will be in contact. Then if she never hears from them again she will just wonder what it was about and move on.

Just remember that the people telling you to admit it was you are not going to be at any risk of reprisals from him themselves.

Don't panic. You've done the right thing. They'd only contact your friend if there was something to be concerned about. It sounds as if there IS something to be concerned about. And even if your friend hates you for now, she'll understand it was the right thing to do eventually. I'm not sure I'd say it was me unless asked though.

I find it disturbing that women move men in after 8 weeks!! She has a young son?? And she hasn’t done any background checks on this guy herself?!?
disagree with others though, I probably wouldn’t tell her… just wait and see if she contacts you… then and only then would I explain my reasons

You do not have to tell your friend anything, the Police will not reveal who set the chain of events rolling. Frankly, you are the friend that all of us need in these circumstances.

Whilst it may be difficult not to say something, this is not about you and your feelings, this is about keeping your friend and her children safe, so say nowt and be there for your friend when needed.

Don’t admit to it. He will go crazy if he’s got something to hide. She will hate you for doing it and quite frankly you might yourself be in danger.