To not want to live in deceased MIL's house?

[DesTeeny]

Very long story short, but MIL was very unpleasant to me whilst alive (she has recently died, and FIL died many years ago). We are very fortunate that MIL has left us her house, and DH wants to move in.

I really don't want to, I have nothing but upsetting memories there, especially of MIL being very threatening towards me, but DH is saying it's his family home and he doesn't want to sell it, he wants to live there and will not be swayed. He lived there from age 5-25, when he moved into our current home.

We'd 'gain' nothing by moving there, it's almost exactly the same as our current home (which is too small for us) and is less than 500 yards away from our house. Granted there is a downstairs toilet, but we'd lose a driveway and have to park on the (very busy) road.

AIBU to stand my ground a bit and ask that we buy a house together that is our family home, rather than moving into his mother's (we will have enough money to buy a much larger house, and still put money aside for our children)? I moved into his home before this (gave him some money to make it equal), and have never chosen my own home. I'd like us to find a family home together that is better suited to our needs rather than trying to shoehorn our family into a house which is no bigger, no better, than the one we have currently.

YABU - Let him live in his family home
YANBU - You deserve to find your own family's home

I'd want to find a family home which was yours !

No driveway is a deal breaker for me.
After a long day at work coming home with the kids and having to park half a mile from my house. No not going to happen!

No driveway and busy road are deal breakers. Stop making it about unpleasant memories and start making it about what is practical.

Obviously you are not being unreasonable.

How recently did your MIL die? Your husband is grieving. I'd be tempted to park the subject for a while if you can.

This is emotional for him not practical.
I think that is how I would be approaching it.
You might have to be quite careful.
He could get very upset and dig his heels in.
The family home should be a place where both of your feel comfortable.
yanbu

I get very attached to houses but even I think this is a bad idea. Quite apart from the unpleasant association for you it sounds like you would be actively worse off (no parking) with no extra living space to compensate. I do understand DH's emotional connection to the place but the practical has to outweigh that in this instance I think and that's what I would focus my arguments on in your shoes, there is no winner in the good/bad associations side of this.

I would stand my ground. I don't care if he 'won't be swayed', I'd be telling him 'There is absolutely no way I'm moving into that house and I won't be blackmailed into living somewhere that has unhappy memories for me. My suggestion is that we find a house together that we like if you are adamant about moving from here'.

He needs to accept that one person in a couple doesn't get to make the decisions. It has to be a compromise.

Is this a recent bereavement? They say you shouldn't make big decisions for at least 12 months. I'd stay where you are for now and hopefully he'll see sense when some time has passed.

No. If one half of a couple hates it, it's off the table. If he is so arrogant as to think he has the right to insist, then he can move there on his own. Dickhead.

If it was a nicer, bigger etc house I would say YABU .. but if you don’t gain anything and could get a larger house with the proceeds I don’t see why you would live in it

Yanbu. I can empathise with all your reasons for not moving in to their house. Search for your own and love it 😊

YANBU, but need to just gently say it’s too soon to make such a decision.

It makes no sense to move into her house unless it's a mansion which it's clearly not. It's weird to want to move back into your childhood home I think.

I would remind DH of the adage that you should wait a year from bereavement before making major life decisions.

Could you rent it out in the meantime?

YANBU and I would not be bullied into moving in.

No way would I move into a house with such toxicity attached to it.
Is your husband a bit of a bully?
Sounds like it.
Do not move, certainly do not give up a driveway for a busy road.

I can totally understand that your husband wants to move back to his childhood home, you are very fortunate to have inherited it. Whilst I appreciate that you don't have happy memories of your time there with MIL, you are in a position to redecorate/reconfigure to make it your own.
Consider how you would feel if you inherited your parents' home and your husband wanted to sell it

If she hadn’t have been horrible to you do you think you would think differently?

His mum has died, I would be tempted to comprise by trying it for a year, let him see that it’s not big enough and that parking on the street is rubbish and then move.

Definitely don’t give in.

Absolutely wouldn't budge on it, especially as there's no driveway. I was thinking there must be some upside if your husband wants to move but you'd probably end up even more out of pocket having to redecorate. Did he have an amazing childhood?

Madness to move !
If he has a deep sentimental attachment to it then rent it out.

I won’t stay the night in my deceased MIL’s house (FIL still lives there), she was a very unpleasant woman. I hated going there when she was alive and less keen now she’s dead. My DH completely understands.

I agree with this.

You know him best so you need to approach it in the way that work best with him - is he a practical, list type person in other areas - list the pro's and con's of each house and of the option of cashing both in for a new house. If he's aspirational work on that aspect, that you could get something much better than either current house if you sell both.

Whatever path is best I'd not push him into a decision quickly as it's likely he'll push back just because. Let the dust settle and then let him think he's made the choice himself to sell up and buy somewhere else cos that's the best way forward for you all.

This, but tread gently if the bereavement is very recent.

he wants to live there and will not be swayed

If one half of a couple wants a baby and the other desperately doesn't, who should get their way? Should the partner against it be forced?

What about one half of a couple suggesting you invest in xyz Company and the other is extremely opposed?

It's ALWAYS the person who doesn't want to do xyz that gets the greater vote, even if doing the thing would be the other partners' preference.

Will not be swayed my arse. Tell him he's welcome to move in alone and can sort out the sale himself when you divorce him and claim half the value of the joint asset.

YANBU but he's just lost his mum. Now is not the time to make big decisions or get into a big argument, especially when it's your logic vs his emotions.

I would advise agreeing to leave the decision for a few months at least.

You have to take the emotion out and stick to the logical and practical, ask him to do the same!

It will cost to redecorate, to move even a short distance, it will be a huge amount of tidying, packing, organisation etc.

For what benefit? If he brings up his emotional attachment, remind him this is about practicality only.

Then show him what you could get if you sold both properties and bought something bigger - more space, better garden, etc etc.