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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to live in deceased MIL's house?

158 replies

DesTeeny · 18/06/2024 19:17

Very long story short, but MIL was very unpleasant to me whilst alive (she has recently died, and FIL died many years ago). We are very fortunate that MIL has left us her house, and DH wants to move in.

I really don't want to, I have nothing but upsetting memories there, especially of MIL being very threatening towards me, but DH is saying it's his family home and he doesn't want to sell it, he wants to live there and will not be swayed. He lived there from age 5-25, when he moved into our current home.

We'd 'gain' nothing by moving there, it's almost exactly the same as our current home (which is too small for us) and is less than 500 yards away from our house. Granted there is a downstairs toilet, but we'd lose a driveway and have to park on the (very busy) road.

AIBU to stand my ground a bit and ask that we buy a house together that is our family home, rather than moving into his mother's (we will have enough money to buy a much larger house, and still put money aside for our children)? I moved into his home before this (gave him some money to make it equal), and have never chosen my own home. I'd like us to find a family home together that is better suited to our needs rather than trying to shoehorn our family into a house which is no bigger, no better, than the one we have currently.

YABU - Let him live in his family home
YANBU - You deserve to find your own family's home

OP posts:

Screamingabdabz · 18/06/2024 19:45

A married couple shouldn’t move in to any house they don’t both agree on. If he wants to keep it, tell him to rent it out.

Meadowfinch · 18/06/2024 20:08

Absolutely. Sell both and buy something decent.

Your DH is being ridiculous. And very selfish.

AGlinnerOfHope · 18/06/2024 20:10

Wait. Refuse to move out just yet. Look for better houses that you could have with the sale or rental of his mum's house.

cheddercherry · 18/06/2024 21:19

Regardless of how it came about you should never be forced to live somewhere you aren’t comfortable. I agree finding somewhere together makes the most sense and honestly, no driveway would be a dealbreaker in any house for me.

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 18/06/2024 21:25

The house needs to be sold so another family can enjoy it. Once the money has come through, you can buy a bigger home to live in, especially one that doesn’t hold horrible memories. That, or he can fuck off and live on his own in mummy’s house.

Cherrysoup · 18/06/2024 21:31

Sounds like a downgrade. No drive on a busy road is a major dealbreaker. I couldn’t get parked the other day and had to make multiple trips to the car to empty various bits of furniture from a house. Painful.

Do you have dc? Huge pain trying to juggle kids/pets/shopping without a drive. Big no from me. Don’t let him twist your arm. He’s probably grieving but it isn’t sensible.

Lemons1571 · 18/06/2024 22:04

I don’t think a lot of posters are taking your DH’s grieving into account. All the “Just sell it”, and saying he’s being selfish - he’s grieving. It’s a terrible time for him. Practicality doesn’t come into it in the early days.

Cant you leave it empty while probate goes through? That could take a year of no one actually owning it. No council tax or water bill while it’s in probate. Insurance is a bit pricey but nothing compared to the costs of sale.

It would just give him a bit of time to work through the grieving process. He could go and stay there some nights if he wanted. Dont force him to sell it in the early days, he could resent you ( and it might not even be possible until probate has gone through).

Renting it out is a good option if he desperately wants to keep ownership.

Goldbar · 18/06/2024 22:08

I would just say "yes dear" and make no attempt whatever to make it happen. I don't think you need to make a big thing of it, the idea will probably peter out in due course.

TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 18/06/2024 22:11

Well, he can live in her house and you can live in yours.

Satanzlilhelpa · 18/06/2024 22:12

She's gone. Clean her out - change it and make it yours

Ohnobackagain · 18/06/2024 22:13

@DesTeeny make it about the practicalities - not your or his emotions/memories. Write a pros and cons list for both. Ask him if he is willing to take the car and find a space whenever you can’t and so on.

Noseybookworm · 18/06/2024 22:16

You're definitely not being unreasonable. It doesn't sound like the house is suitable for your family and it has uncomfortable associations for you. I would tread carefully as your DH is obviously feeling emotional at the moment which is understandable, he is grieving. Can you leave it a few weeks and then try and have another discussion. Ultimately, it comes down to whether he is determined to move in there, even if that means without you and the children. Hopefully he will see that he's being unfair to you.

BabyFever1345 · 18/06/2024 22:19

No, you need to find a home for your family.

I wouldn't emphasise what bad memories it has for you as he's grieving.

cherish123 · 18/06/2024 22:20

I wouldn't give up a driveway.

BreadInCaptivity · 18/06/2024 22:27

Can you not both try and take the emotion out of it?

It's the biggest asset you will own and currently the proposal is to swap one home that (downstairs toilet aside) has significant disadvantages re: parking that will make it less valuable and harder to sell.

In a head vs heart discussion for both of you this move would be ludicrous.

Are you not better to pool the equity in both houses and build new positive memories somewhere new that gives you the space you actually need?

I understand he's grieving but that's equally a good reason not to make important decisions the whole family might regret.

Original poster

DesTeeny · 18/06/2024 22:27

Thank you everyone. I was starting to think I was being horrible as he's really digging his heels in.

It is really soon, she only died in May, but once he's made his mind up about something he can be incredibly pig-headed and stubborn. I want to support him as it's so recent, and I do get it, he shouldn't be thinking about this now and making decisions, but he started saying as soon as she'd died that he wanted to live there.

I don't want to just leave it alone and say yes dear, or ignore it because he'll get so entrenched in his way of thinking that it's really difficult to then get him to change his mind.

A pros and cons list is a good idea.

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 18/06/2024 22:29

Stand your ground and absolutely refuse. Your husband can't just dictate every fucking thing about your lives, and the home you decide to live in is right at the top of the list. Nevermind the fact of no driveway on a busy road. Tell him it's not happening, so he can just deal with it.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/06/2024 22:30

It is really soon, she only died in May, but once he's made his mind up about something he can be incredibly pig-headed and stubborn.

So can you, love. You can be every bit as pig-headed and stubborn as he is. Two can play that game.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/06/2024 22:32

A pros and cons list is a good idea.

It's really not. He wants this from a purely emotional place, reason and logic aren't going to sway him right now. He is caught up in the family home bollocks.

BreadInCaptivity · 18/06/2024 22:35

DesTeeny · 18/06/2024 22:27

Thank you everyone. I was starting to think I was being horrible as he's really digging his heels in.

I don't want to just leave it alone and say yes dear, or ignore it because he'll get so entrenched in his way of thinking that it's really difficult to then get him to change his mind.

A pros and cons list is a good idea.

You are not being horrible.

But equally you can't allow yourself to be steamrolled here.

Do not use your memories about his mother as a reason though. Just focus on the house. Space/parking.

It may have been his childhood home but he needs to look to making decisions for his current family and making future memories and not dragging everyone back to his past.

Grief doesn't give you a right to be a dick.

Lemons1571 · 18/06/2024 22:37

You can say no. But if he is deep in grieving, well it’s complicated. Emotions when a parent dies are complicated. I think you should let him do whatever he needs to while it’s still all so raw, while still maintaining your own boundaries (he can choose whatever he needs to, you are deciding for yourself that you are not going to live there).

The fog will clear. Its far too soon though.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/06/2024 22:40

A pros and cons list is a good idea

If he was taking a rational approach then yes, but in these circumstances I doubt it would make any difference

TBF he's grieving so parking the whole thing for now may be wise, but I'm not keen on the "pig headed" aspect and if it comes to it you'll just have to refuse to move there

Aquamarine1029 · 18/06/2024 22:42

I have nothing but upsetting memories there, especially of MIL being very threatening towards me

Op, does your husband know how badly his mother treated you? Has he acknowledged this? Did he ever stand up for you?

1Dandelion1 · 18/06/2024 22:44

Don't love somewhere you will be unhappy, but if you do I would brooch the subject of renovations and redecorating now otherwise you will end up living in a museum of his childhood, you need a new kitchen and bathroom and freshly painted walls to start with before you consider moving in!

Mountainpika · 18/06/2024 22:45

Ask him to imagine you are buying a new family home. Would he consider his old home if it were on the market having belonged to strangers not his family? Is it better than where you are now?

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