To not want to live in deceased MIL's house?

[DesTeeny]

Very long story short, but MIL was very unpleasant to me whilst alive (she has recently died, and FIL died many years ago). We are very fortunate that MIL has left us her house, and DH wants to move in.

I really don't want to, I have nothing but upsetting memories there, especially of MIL being very threatening towards me, but DH is saying it's his family home and he doesn't want to sell it, he wants to live there and will not be swayed. He lived there from age 5-25, when he moved into our current home.

We'd 'gain' nothing by moving there, it's almost exactly the same as our current home (which is too small for us) and is less than 500 yards away from our house. Granted there is a downstairs toilet, but we'd lose a driveway and have to park on the (very busy) road.

AIBU to stand my ground a bit and ask that we buy a house together that is our family home, rather than moving into his mother's (we will have enough money to buy a much larger house, and still put money aside for our children)? I moved into his home before this (gave him some money to make it equal), and have never chosen my own home. I'd like us to find a family home together that is better suited to our needs rather than trying to shoehorn our family into a house which is no bigger, no better, than the one we have currently.

YABU - Let him live in his family home
YANBU - You deserve to find your own family's home

She's only just died, has her house even been cleared at all, hes grieving and reliving memories of his childhood home. l wouldn't push him either way, maybe spend a few nights at mums house, go through photos, it doesn't need to happen straightaway.

They were married, and he did leave (almost) everything to her. I think he left a small amount to his sister but I'm pretty sure his will stipulated that most everything went to MIL if he pre-deceased her, which sadly he did. Thank you for the explanation.

This

I'd remain sympathetic towards him, but I'd not move in either. Don't move in just to 'try' it either, you'll never get out again and it
Will turn into an even bigger battle.

Tell him you'll discuss it with him once probate etc has all been completed and only them will you sit down and have a proper conversation with him.

Maybe start your look at what you 'could' buy of you sold both houses. He might like what he sees and start to think doffeeently.

I don't think we're going to rent it out regardless of what happens. We both have stressful jobs, don't need to he landlords on top of that

That's understandable, OP, but do be aware of the maintenance that'll be needed if any sale is delayed while your DH comes to terms with this ... especially so if the place wasn't terribly well maintained when MIL was alive

Empty houses can deteriorate surprisingly fast, and it wouldn't surprise me to learn that DH is insisting "Why let it go to rack and ruin when we could be living there?"

Very harsh and insensitive approach!

I'm sure you mean the husband, correct? Because he is the person in this scenario who is telling his wife she doesn't have a choice as to where she lives and that her feelings on the matter will not be taken into consideration. He will make the decision and that's final, apparently. The only person being insensitive is him.

What do you suggest? The OP meekly go and live in a house that, quite apart from its unpleasant associations, simply doesn’t meet their family’s needs? The OP apologise profoundly for not prioritising his childhood attachment over what they need? I mean, who needs enough room and off street parking, right?

Thank you, because it's so close to our house I'm now maintaining both homes, so going over once or twice a week and cleaning etc. but it is a good thing to think of. Fortunately MIL was quite house proud, it's full to the rafters with stuff, but it is well maintained so hopefully it'll be OK with me nipping in and doing the basics.

Great opportunity to take some of her stuff to the tip, or symbolically set fire to it in the back garden.......

I would be asking why exactly and at the same time seeing a solicitor privately before you commit to anything if there is any doubt at all that there is a problem in your marriage. You haven't said how old you both are which could be a factor in his thinking nor have you said the ages of your children. It could be his judgement is being clouded by thinking you both will be mortgage free - could that be it?

My DH and I nearly bought my grandparents' house. But then decided against it.
BEST DECISION EVER!
It would never have just been our home it would have been MY family history and DH would have been disadvantaged because of it.
We are so happy in the house we chose with no ties.
So I advise for you to definitely not move in there. Tell your DH his sentimentality is misplaced and he is putting nostalgia before your real feelings.

We're in our thirties and have a newborn and a 3 year old. I think being mortgage free is very much part of his thinking, we only have a very small mortgage as is though, we'd be able to pay it off, including any penalties, with the inheritance without selling her house.

I don't think there are huge problems in our relationship, I think he's just thinking with his heart rather than his head.

You married a man who lived at home till he was 25 (at a time when that WAS unusual) and even when he did he bought a house 500m away from his ‘mummy’.

Didn't you see the writing on the wall there?

he may not be swayed but you don’t need to be either.

as someone else said remove the emotion and focus on the practicalities.

If you keep it for more than a year, whether you rent it out or not, you will be liable for capital gains tax on the sale price of whichever one you decide to sell.

Only on the difference in value between that when you inherited it and the price you received for it (less costs of sale)

I think renting it out for the time being is the best option. This will help you save money towards your own forever home and help him say goodbye to the family home.

His mother died. Have a little compassion at least. As other posters have said, he is likely making a decision based on emotions and memories rather than practicalities. I'd be inclined to just park it for a while and come back to it when it's less raw, when he can be more logical about it.

Is there a way a driveway could be added, or you could have an extension to it? If so you could have the place gutted and upgraded then move in.

A compromise solution so he gets to live in it but it’s basically a whole new house just in the same place.

If that’s not possible then selling both houses and buying something else is definitely the best option.

If you sell both houses you could probably afford a house that was an upgrade on either and have something of a cash cushion left over. Maybe start quietly looking to see what you could get in an area you'd like to live in, and tempt him with that?

They've already got a house with a driveway without having to go to all the expense and hassle of adding one and upgrading a house OP doesn't want to live in.

It's not going to be a whole new house unless they tear it down and build another house.

This. For no other reason, and even if your MIL was an angel, I'd refuse to move. YANBU.

I am very sentimental about homes and I get where your dh is coming from. He's grieving and nostalgic. That said, you are now in a very fortunate position thanks to his mother. You gain nothing from moving into her house, but by selling it, you get to pick your children's family home together. How lovely is that. Can you present it to him as looking into the future and moving forward, thanks to the support and memories of what came before, rather than taking a step back? Let him keep the furniture if he wants, cuttings from the garden could be nice too.

Agree

YOU'RE?! maintaining both homes? Good god, why? Surely, this is your husband's job. You already have a house to care for and a new born. Or is he not pulling his weight there too?

Furthermore, you don't have to be landlords. You can use an agency to maintain the place hassle free. Either way, I would leave this all to your husband, just be adamant you won't mover there.